Forum Thread

I'm in the middle of cleaning dishes in prep for dinner, and dad yells out:
Cats are so stupid!

I pause, turn the water off, and walk into the livingroom to ask: Why? What did they do now? (I thought one or more of my five cats had decided to do something dumb)

He says: Cats insist upon playing with things much bigger than them. And their curiosity makes it to where they have no problem jumping into the water to see what this strange thing is.

I start looking around the immediate area, trying to see what the cats could have been playing with.

Dad changes Tabs to the Lab and gets my attention. It took me a few seconds to realize what brought on the random thoughts. In the Lab are a Skitty and three blue eggs. Since blue typically equals water, dad thought that Skitty was playing in the water and was gonna get eaten by the dragons.

Once I was able to evolve Kitwurm, I called dad in to show him the evolutions.
I evolved the unhappy Kitwurm, gave it a Shiny Stone, and started feeding it Sweethearts.

Dad: Wait. So first you have to make it unhappy, and then you have to make it happy? That's so rude. Just look at the Purrpa's face. He looks so sad.

*shows Moffkat*

Dad: Yes. Because cats weren't bad enough without the ability to fly. Whoever came up with that idea hasn't ever owned cats. Ours fly all over the place, and they do it without wings. Imagine all the trouble they could get into if they could really fly.

Just got off the phone with my dad, who's out of town with my brother while I'm at home helping mom getting everything set up after her move.

Dad: You're going to love this. We're on season three of the Seven Deadly Sins.
Me: Excuse me?!! What in the world made you think it was okay to watch that without me? (Dad and I only watched season one together)
Dad: You said I could watch whatever without you, and that you'd watch it later
Me: I meant the seasons of Monk, Unforgettable, Smallville and Defiance that I left there.
Dad: Ohhh! Now you tell me!

And I'm just a mix of upset and amused. I did say "whatever" but he knew exactly what I meant lol

OMG! We all just got done with a huge laughing fit.

Dad, mom, and I went to town. She was stopping by the DMV to get new tags, license, and a title for her car. We're about 15 minutes from home when I come up with the best idea ever.

I told mom to hide, and I called my brother in. Here's how things went.

Me: So...Funny story. We're waiting for mom to get the stuff done. After about 15 minutes, the cops showed up. Apparently the DMV called the cops on her because she didn't get everything transferred over in 14 days. Said that she was going to have to pay $10k in fines and spend two months in jail, but that she'd be confined to the house until the court date.

Joshua got upset, and started freaking out. We let this carry on for about another 5-10 minutes, and then I went to fetch mom.

Shes comes out of hiding, and Joshua starts yelling and swearing at all of us. His face was bright red, and he was a mix of angry and amused.

Dad gave me a kudos for managing to carry this on for so long without giving anything away.

Lol. Posted November 2015

Dad finally opens the Rubik cube I got him.

He shows me the box that it came in and that it had Chinese lettering on it, then says "You didn't tell me it came from China."

He then shows me the cube and tells me he can't solve it anymore because the colors are in Chinese as well.

As we finished eating lunch, dad asked me what I was making for dinner. I thought about it a bit before replying "Lasagna". He asked if he could put spices on it, and I was agreed cause even though it was premade lasagna, typically his seasonings/spices make everything better.

At some point during the next several hours, I saw him fold up his bag of Ghost Pepper Chex Mix and take it into the kitchen. I just assumed he was throwing it away cause neither one of us really liked how hot it was.

As I grab the lasagna to start cooking it, I asked him when he wanted to put the spices on, and he said during the last 15 minutes. My mind had completely forgotten about the bag he took to the kitchen.

Just now, dad's making a weird sound in the kitchen. I turned around to see him using a Meat Tenderizer on something in a bowl. He pauses like his hand has been caught in the cookie jar.

I asked him what he was doing. He replied in an "uh-oh. I've been caught" voice: I'm mixing spices.

Suddenly, everything became clear, and I'm like "Oh, no you didn't. No."

With a huge smile on his face, he says in a childish "neener-neener" tone: "Too late. You done said that I could do it, so I'm doing it."

That cool moment when the amount of Pokemon in your Fields is dad's birthday. XD

We're talking about the Haunted Hallows in Ultima Online Evolution, and I remind dad that even if I don't go there for the Stealables, that we need to go for the Pumpkins and the chests.

He said that he has his Lockpicks and Loot Macro ready. He goes even further, saying, "And my Loot Macro is better than yours."

So, I naturally respond with: "Anything you can do, I can do better!"

Dad: "I get to say that quite often."

Me: "That's being arrogant."

Dad: "It's not arrogance when you're as good as I am."

Me: "Arrogance at it's finest."

Dad: "See?! I'm the finest at that, too!"

Me: One thing I've never understood is how that Wailord keeps getting into the Bug Meadow.

Dad: Wailnado.

Me: :O How dare they make their own?!

Dad: I'm sure the Sharpedo will get over it.

Dad saw this on Facebook earlier, and got me with it. I then got mom with it. My brother, however, wasn't fooled.

Dad: I bet I can make you say "red"
Me: How?
Dad: What color is the sky?
Me: Blue.
Dad: Told you I could make you say "blue"
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: But you said "red"
Dad: Booyah!

11.20.2017
I got out some coleslaw to eat with lunch.
Dad: That's going to be for dinner tonight, but I don't think you're going to like it.
Me: Why not?
Dad: Most people don't like it.
Me: Do you like it?
Dad: No. It's disgusting.
Me: Then why did you get it?
Dad: So you could enjoy something disgusting.
Me: 😑
Dad, as I'm reading this to him: Depending on how it's made, I do like coleslaw.

About thirty seconds into my PKRS, I came up with a funny.
Just had to wait for dad to notice that I had PKRS.
Finally, he looks over, and says: "Good Job!"
To which, I respond with: "NOBODY ASKED YOU JAMES!"
And he laughs. "How long have you been waiting to say that?"
I glanced at time. "9 1/2 minutes. Though, I couldn't decide between saying Patrice or your name. But it was funny either way."

*Not everyone will get the reference. But those who do will laugh with us XD

Dad: It's only 8:30. Do you want to watch two episodes of Smallville?
Me: No. I want to read.
Dad: Okay. I'll go to bed as soon as I'm done with some other stuff.
Me: Awww. I wanna read.
Dad: Do so then.
Me: Does that mean I can stay up if I'm going to read? You did say I could if I wanted to write.
Dad: No.
Me: Why? I promise I won't get involved in drama.
Dad: Right. You'll look. And if you can't find any, you'll make some.
Me: I can't cook. What makes you think I can whip up drama at a whim?
Dad: *gives me the look*
Me: *raises hands in innocent, angelic surrender*

In the unlikely event a garden Gnome develops cannibalistic tendencies, the correct measures to be taken are in the following, of which must be done in proper order lest all be abandoned to utter bloodshed, savagery, and chaos.

Step one, offer said Gnome a single chocolate and raisin cookie. The dough must also be infused with poison dart frogs’ venom, as this is an aphrodisiac to Gnomes, and as a general rule of thumb gnomes greatly enjoy chocolate and dried fruits.

Step two, whilst the Gnome is under an intense euphoric coma due to the cookie, you must perform the An’ud Luk ritual, which will open a rather small but perfectly gnome sized portal to the deepest recesses of hell.

Once said portal is opened, you must chuck the Gnome in question into it, in which case two things may happen, depending on how accurately you followed the first two steps. One, the gnome will be sucked into the fiery oblivion you opened passage to and the problem will have been solved, or, if you are unlucky, the Gnome will awaken before you throw it into the portal, in which case it will rip you limb from limb and eat your soul, damning you to eternal torment the likes of which will make hell seem like a summer retreat. Good luck.

– The Witchdoctor’s Bestiary, A guide on unnatural creatures and methods to monitor, contain, or dispose of them.

Have you ever thought about what special kind of hell it would be if you had been born a slice of bread?

Think about it for a second. You’re lying there, all soft and vulnerable with the rest of your bread family, right? And there’s more bread families of different colors, textures, some made with fruits, etc.

Then one day, some lady with her spawn happen to walk down your aisle, your home, and begin to pick whole families up by their bags to inspect them. And the mini human begins to pick up random bags full of unsuspecting families and slams them down, crushing those unlucky ones that fate had chosen to satiate this creature’s sick craving for destruction and chaos.

And all you can do is pray to whatever god you think will help you and watch as its birth giver comes closer and closer to your family. Imagine the horror of being suspended in air by a human’s grubby, filthy, slimy, unwashed hands; only to not be put back where you belong on the shelf you’ve known most of your life but instead into her infernal basket alongside other miserable half dead she decided to cull from the herd from other aisles.

You’re then carted around the store, whilst the rest of the store’s inhabitants look on with pity while thanking their lucky stars they aren’t you, but knowing full well that they will one day share the same cruel fate.

Once this evil sow and her spawn have decided whom they wish to kill for that evening, you are carted to the checkout where you relish a temporary relief as the pressure of a large fruit is lifted off of you only to find that some of your family didn’t survive the short journey from the shelf to here.

You remember back to when you were chosen and remember the smaller human destroying families before they even got chosen. The members of your family that didn’t survive the journey would be the lucky ones, compared to the brutal unrelenting hell that you would experience later that night.

The drive is long and silent. You and your family share the same existential dread, because you know what’s coming, and there isn’t anything you can do about it.

Once you reach the devil’s residence you will be carried inside a cramped bag with the other poor beings they chose beside you. Upon entry you’re carried into the pantry where you will await your fate in darkness, not knowing the date of your execution.

Time has no meaning. Over the course of what you presume is several days, more and more of your family members are taken in groups of two or three and never return. Soon it’s just you and the last two remaining members of your family, and the pantry door opens as a familiar greasy hand reaches out and pulls all of you out.

You’re laid on a table, made of cold granite. The walls and shelving were painted in whites and dull grays, with little sunlight managing its way through the small windows that seemingly serve no function other than to be aesthetically pleasing while failing entirely at even that. Despite that, you focus on those small rays of light, seeking any small peace of mind before you are erased from this world.

You hear the footsteps. Before you can react however the bag is torn open and the last two people you cared about in this world are spirited away. Then the screaming starts, and the smell of bread being toasted fills the air. For all your bravado about accepting your fate with a smile and no fear in your heart, you can’t help but thank whatever higher power you believe in that it was them and not you.

That gratitude is short lived however, as the hand comes back in and grabs you, lifting you by the top of your head. The pain is unimaginable. Your heart feels like it’s going to explode. You look into the eyes of this mad being who killed your entire family, hatred and fear in equal measure fill every cell of your body, then you hear a clanging sound and then suddenly you feel weightless. You fall into a pit. Inside are the mangled corpses of other foods, and some are your own family. Or what’s left of them.

You finally snap, screaming and laughing. Your broken mind is unable to grasp just what kind of hell you’ve been dropped into and it is here that you wait in darkness. The only reason you’re still alive is because they didn’t like end pieces.

At some point you started to mold, the juices from the fruit corpses ravaged your body, causing some of it to fall apart. The pain is agonizing and all you can do is wish for death that always seems to be just out of your grasp. And it’s here you stay for the rest of your days, neither alive or dead, in pain. And there’s nothing you can do about it. You curse the god that resigned you to this fate.

So yeah, being born bread would really suck.