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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE   Forum Posts: 474  |
Posted: Sun, 18/05/2025 02:04 (23 Hours ago) |
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I was sitting doing the Shadow Radar and thinking about how I was going to rewrite the chapter of Angel of the Shadows. I couldn’t remember if I’d changed the names of two of the antagonists (Mally and Iggy) and was considering leaving them as they were. But then I got to thinking. I was made to hate my previous usernames (Wildfyre and FireWolf), and that it wouldn’t be right of me to make someone else hate their gaming tag just because I hated them. I also realized that that would make me hating the person, and though I’m not a Christian, I firmly believe in “Hate the sin, Love the Sinner”. So from now on, all references to people I hate will be in personality only. I can write you as an enemy I can stand up against. A nemesis I fight with often. Someone who eventually sees the error of their ways. And in the end, someone I can forgive. Even if you’re none of those things. Even if you’re not worthy of my forgiveness. Because I’d much rather attack you in a way that doesn’t hurt you as an individual. That doesn’t make you wish you weren’t alive. That doesn’t make you feel any of the emotions I’ve felt from being attacked. Or whatever word you want to use that justifies your actions against me. I know people haven’t spoken about me in a while aside from the private incident on Facebook that got dragged into the public. And I know because of that silence, this is kind of me stirring the pot. But it’s not meant to be problematic at all. This is more me realizing I was doing something wrong and taking steps to change it. To be a better person. And I’m sorry 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Fri, 16/05/2025 05:14 (2 Days ago) |
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Sometimes, I really hate the way I look. Other times, I see myself as beautiful.  🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Mon, 12/05/2025 16:20 (6 Days ago) |
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*whimpers* Can I PLEASE not deal with a kidney stone right now? I'm still in pain from dismantling and removing dad's old bed from his room on Friday. Today, I get to remove the mattresses from there, drag them all the way outside in back to the van. Then go into the guest room, dismantle the bed in there, and re...mantle? it in his room. Why am I sleeping in his room after years of finally sleeping alone? Because he's still recovering from the hospital, and he'd rather I be in the room where I can hear him. He does have a remote-controlled alarm, but there's always the chance it could fall down beside the bed. It's just best and safest for me to be with him for now. Then I've still got to clean up the weeds around the house, get the first load packed and ready for our move. I'm trying not to do much, but can't really help it when there's a lot that needs to be done. Thankfully, this load is just a bed, some shelving, and the security system. I have all summer to get everything packed. 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Wed, 07/05/2025 19:45 (11 Days ago) |
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Just mowed the yard for the first time since my heart surgery! Before: Halfway through, heart pounding, sweating, dizzy, nauseous, shaking, panting heavily. Today: Got 85% before the batteries in the lawnmower died. No pounding of heart, mild sweating, no dizziness, no nausea, no shaking, slight difficulty breathing. OMFG! I'm crying again. The difference is so amazing! I never should have let this go as "normal" for so long. I owe the surgery (and likely my life) to dad, too! If it wasn't for five weeks ago, when I called him after a half-mile walk to let him know my heart rate was 180, and he told me to stay put and that he would get me. He has heart problems of his own, and he told me he was worried I would die before him, because, as an otherwise healthy young adult, I shouldn't have that high of a heart rate. After learning how scared he was, I contacted my cardiologist that day and scheduled the appointment. I wish I had brought this to my doctor's attention 8+ years ago instead of just three. They might have been able to find dad's SVT and Afib earlier. Before getting Covid and Cancer in 2020 took all his energy from him. Maybe he'd still have better mobility and strength now. Maybe he wouldn't need to be on Oxygen 24/7... *sighs* Could've, Should've, Would've. All we can do now is make the most of the time we have left. 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Tue, 06/05/2025 18:47 (12 Days ago) |
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Yesterday, I wound up so proud of myself. I made scrambled eggs, sausage, and hash browns for lunch. I've done this before, but it's always made me anxious because I'm multitasking. Well. I told myself. "It's okay. How many times have you done this before? You've got this." Not only was I able to cook all three at once, but I also cleaned the egg bowl, wiped down the counters, and performed a few other small tasks while everything was cooking—and I didn't even singe the eggs! This was a tremendous accomplishment for me! Dad gets to the table, looks at the eggs, and says, in a mix of sarcastic and amused: "Just what I wanted! Eggs with my cheese!" (I'd put a lot of cheese on them). After having the leftovers for dinner, we still had two hashbrowns left, so he asked me to make some more eggs for lunch today. Okay. He sits down, and pops off with: "Ohh! Cheese with eggs to go with the eggs with cheese!" 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Tue, 06/05/2025 00:35 (13 Days ago) |
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Five Days Ago Me: *during a conversation about how my future will be* You know. I don't think the problem is that I fear being alone. Even if I don't feel confident in myself, others do, so I feel I'll be okay. I think it's more the realization that you won't be here much longer. And I wish I had more time with you. The thought of you not being around... *starts crying* Dad: I'm the one dying, and it's not really affecting me. But when I think about you, or mom, or... *trails off and starts crying as well* ><><><><>< Two days ago - Beginning of our rewatch of House MD "Look, I realize it's tough to break bad news to families." "Not as tough as hearing it." "And I guess being the poor guy dying is the toughest of all?" "No. It's easier to die than to watch someone die." Me: *silently starts crying again* 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Mon, 05/05/2025 23:35 (13 Days ago) |
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Multiple Health Updates: Mom is waiting on a referral to go through, and then she will be heading to Spokane for surgery to remove the mass in her neck. Hopefully, her cancers were caught early enough for her for surgery to work on its own. As for me. During dad's appointment today, because of my mom, we asked about my parotid gland. The doctor said not to worry since my previous issue had no pain, and was just cysts alone. If it reswelled and hurt, THEN we can worry. And dad...I haven't posted about it yet because it wasn't that concerning. But two days after he got out of the hospital, he developed a rash on his feet and lower legs. We went to the doctor later that day and were informed it was likely a minor allergic reaction to something and that it would clear up with Benadryl or other Antihistamines. Today, five days after that, we went back for the hospital follow-up, and to discuss the rash (which I think looks better because it's not as inflamed, but dad thinks looks worse because it's more freckled). The doctor played with it a bit and then sent pictures to Dad's Oncologist. She seems to think it's Vasculitis caused by Cancer. Whereas both dad and I believe it's Vasculitis brought on by Carvedilol (which he began the day before he was released from the hospital). If it is Carvedilol, he will have to be switched back to Losartan. We will likely know more after we meet with the Oncologist tomorrow. 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Mon, 05/05/2025 17:17 (13 Days ago) |
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*sighs* According to mom's biopsy results, she is positive for Moderately differentiated malignant neoplasm; favor metastatic HPV associated squamous cell carcinoma AND The differential diagnosis would also include mucoepidermoid carcinoma. My paranoia is back because the second one is cancer in the salivary glands, which can start in the parotid gland. And I had two cysts in my right parotid gland just a few weeks ago. Swelling seems to have gone down, though. 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Sun, 04/05/2025 20:20 (14 Days ago) |
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Having my grandma here for two weeks was very frustrating and annoying. I had to deal with her "set in ways" mind and her persistent, subtle statements of, "I don't care if this is how you function. You're just lazy." to both me AND dad. And she knew dad not only has clinical depression and anxiety, but was recovering from a two-week hospital stay and didn't have the mental energy to deal with any of the things that NEEDED to be done, like handling the selling of most of the properties we own. Like. Really? Stop being so pushy. Which is one of the things I'm bringing up. During those two weeks, I wound up seeing and understanding why people say I'm using my AuDHD as excuses and playing the "mental health" card. Dad says I'm speaking more often about how I have Executive Dysfunction and Waiting Mode issues. And I had to explain to him that no. I'm ecstatic I know there's a term for it. Knowing the problem allows me to take steps toward fixing it and makes me feel less broken. I'm not meaning it as a justification. But that thought made me realize I was doing that before I knew the terms. And it was tough for me to accept the fact that I had been using my mental illness as an excuse for my actions. I'm still unsure if I meant it like that, but it doesn't matter. One of the things dad has spent years trying to teach me is: "No matter how valid, an excuse is nothing more than an excuse. An attempt to not fully accept the blame and consequences for your actions." And of course, dad has to start his bs on me now that he doesn't have an audience to witness the genuine way he treats me. I know why he's doing it. Because of things his primary doctor and some of the doctors in the hospital were saying, he's under the impression he only has up to two years left instead of the up to six we initially thought. He's doing what he thinks is right and will work best to push me to do more, especially since grandma has admitted that if I don't step up to her expectations after he passes, I WILL be kicked out onto the streets, even if I vastly improve my abilities to take care of myself. Worse than now, I will have absolutely ZERO money to myself. I am forced to work around the house for all necessities, including cat food. So if I don't do enough, my cats will starve. (I'm working with my rescue friend to get seven of them rehomed, and the few strays I take care of, to get care and rehomed. In the end, I'll have five cats). I get that this is how the majority of working-class people live their lives. But seriously? No leniency for someone with mental and physical issues? As it is, I might have to accept the fact that I'll have to live with my sister or my mom and brother after dad passes. With both, I'd still do everything possible to keep the house managed, maintained, and cleaned. And with my sister, well, she is a school counselor for Autistic, ADHD, Bipolar, etc, so she would know how to slowly and gently work with me for even more improvement. At least that way, I wouldn't have to fear, "Oh, you didn't do this this month, and you didn't do that last month, so this isn't working. Goodbye." Because the pressure of knowing I can be kicked out for not doing enough makes me want to shut down. I'll have to find some way of making my brain accept that. Perhaps when I finally get on ADHD meds, that will help. I was on them for a few days, but I discovered Clonidine would lower my blood pressure, and I already have naturally low blood pressure, so that needed to be addressed, and God forbid doctors work promptly. Anyway, I've already said more than I should. I'll end this by saying that after six days out of the hospital, dad can finally walk without a walker! ^ He's still in pain, but it's so much less than it was before. I'm very happy with his improvements. Update: After more discussion, it was established that I would not, under any circumstances, be kicked out. But I would, however, have things like the internet or phone shut off. Or not getting help for food for myself or my cats. I'm still struggling to come to terms with this, but I think I can accept it now. Especially since dad told me to look at it like this: "For the last several years, you've been paid very well to do practically nothing. You've been fired, and you must learn to watch what you spend things on while you work your way back up the ladder of trust." 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Sat, 03/05/2025 20:35 (15 Days ago) |
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I never shared the picture here, but am doing so now. As you know, dad went into the hospital with a collapsed lung on the 13th. On the 15th, the chest tube was removed, but it collapsed again 6-8 hours later. Not only collapsed, but it also leaked into his chest cavity, causing insane swelling on his face. He was moved to the ICU and intubated for two days. They kept the chest tube in for 7 days as they monitored if it would leak or collapse again. On the 24th (same day as my surgery), he was moved to a different hospital. The first hospital thought there was a leak, but it turned out that the chest tube was ever so slightly off. After a day and a half in the second hospital, his chest tube was removed, and we came home on the 28th. Here is a picture of the day the lung collapsed a second time vs six or so days later. WARNING! The image is not graphic, but may be difficult to look at. https://prnt.sc/2Pq4wKiiIgZC 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Wed, 30/04/2025 00:10 (19 Days ago) |
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Wow! Today, I was able to notice an insane difference. Today, I've done stuff around the house to get some of it cleaned up for dad's hospital bed to be delivered. I wound up doing two hours at once, and then two more sets of half an hour each... With MINIMAL breathing difficulty and only slight pounding in my chest, dizziness, and pain in my back toward the very end. This is BY FAR a better experience than before, where fifteen minutes would leave me sweating, hurting, and winded. I can't say enough how much I love this! And it was all thanks to randomly deciding to measure my heart rate over the last few times I'd gone on a walk. I saw it at 160-180 just by walking half a mile, or 160 just by moving 3 30-pound bags of cat food from one side of the house to the other. Dad is doing much better and showing tremendous progress as well. He is still using a walker but can walk faster than yesterday. He can stand for a minute beside the walker without holding it and lift his feet into bed on his own. He also lifted his walker and carried it for a few feet today! 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Tue, 29/04/2025 06:25 (19 Days ago) |
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Lairon, Female, Careful, Chain #86 Loudred, Male, Hasty, Chain #120 Shelgon, Female, Jolly, Chain #33 Flygon, Female, Hardy, Chain #100 Dustox, Female, Rash, Chain #48 Lunatone, Genderless, Bold, Chain #171 Milotic, Male, Rash, Chain #56, Third on Site Lileep, Male, Quirky, Chain #11, First on Site Vigoroth, Female, Quiet, Chain #2 Aron, Female, Hardy, Chain #69 Shuppet, Female, Gentle, Chain #32 Glalie, Female, Quiet, Chain #10 Walrein, Male, Modest, Chain #11 Wingull, Female, Jolly, Chain #31 Pelipper, Female, Lax, Chain #24 Registeel, Genderless, Rash, Chain #3, First on Site Baltoy, Genderless, Quiet, Chain #66 Slakoth, Female, Docile, Chain #127 Snorunt, Male, Serious, Chain #82 Trapinch, Female, Lax, Chain #25 Sceptile, Male, Impish, Chain #134, First on Site Slaking, Female, Hasty, Chain #109 Altaria, Male, Jolly, Chain #139 Wailord, Male, Adamant, Chain #6 Dusclops, Male, Quirky, Chain #94 Banette, Female, Jolly, Chain #30 Spheal, Female, Modest, Chain #32 Zigzagoon, Male, Brave, Chain #41 Vibrava, Female, Adamant, Chain #33 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Tue, 29/04/2025 03:28 (19 Days ago) |
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We are finally home from the hospital. We will still be minimally active because my grandmother is here. Since she worked three jobs as a single mother when she was a late teen/early twenties, she doesn't believe in relaxation and downtime. She believes in 50+ hour workweeks, and like dad, doesn't seem to respect the issues of an AuDHD person, saying she will spray me with a water bottle if I have a meltdown. Even though I just had surgery several days ago, I'm expected to work around the house and do everything a "normal person" would do. Dad tells me to tough it out for four more days. So...yeah. 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Thu, 24/04/2025 04:05 (24 Days ago) |
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I don't know what upsets me more. The fact that one of the 15 PH/PFQ friends I have on Facebook leaked a Friends Only post about me trying to understand why something I did was wrong to the PFQ drama blog. Or the fact that the situation got twisted and blown out of proportion because the people who want to hate me jumped to their own conclusions and spread their assumptions about what happened. Yes. I laugh reacted a post I shouldn't have given the circumstances. But I was NOT and would NEVER laugh at such a situation. I was laughing at the logic of the poster. I instantly apologized and changed my opinion when politely corrected and educated. But by all means, feel free to spread more lies and rumors about me. Feel free to continue not to talk to or understand me. Any friendships I lose out on because of Mudbrays like you weren't worth having to begin with. 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Fri, 18/04/2025 16:27 (30 Days ago) |
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Okay so. Doctor came in. Current plan. They will wake him up soon to see if he's responsive and make sure his breathing doesn't go haywire like it did the first time. Then... *sighs* He will be put back under because the intubation tube will not be coming out today. Why? Because he has pneumonia. Apparently, there is some type of process in the lungs where small bubbles can turn into bigger bubbles, and then bigger bubbles or something. But either way, it makes coming down with stuff even easier. According to them, due to having cancer in the lymphatic system, he will not only be prone to collapsed lungs, but pneumonia. This actually makes sense as to why he's been sick a few days every month since December. I don't believe any of the xrays or any other test has revealed what is wrong with his left side (that part that pops and moves every time he coughs and has done so since December). The doctor also said that he will be contacting the Oncologist to see what can be done. We missed yesterday's appointment with the Oncologist to discuss the results of the biopsy of the mass in his neck that didn't go down with the Keytruda. As things stand, we're definitely leaning to going back to Keytruda since it doesn't make him as immunocompromised. However. There is still always the chance that the Oncologist says the drawbacks aren't worth the quality of life, but I don't want to think on that option. The lung tube is also remaining in until things settle down a bit. Except... One thing to add that happened while writing this post! He's lightly sedated, and while the nurse was doing the slinky thing to get rid of the gunk in his trachea... HE MOVED HIS ARM!!! The nurse had to grab hold of his arms to keep him from trying to grab the tube. So now they're going to be monitoring him through the camera, and we'll be keeping an eye on him as well to make sure he doesn't remove the intubation tube on his own. I have the feeling I'm forgetting something, but that was a lot to update, so it's understandable I would forget. I'll just update in the comments when I remember. Update: He is likely not having the lung tube removed. It will be changed to a flutter valve that he will go home with that can be opened and closed. He will then have to follow up with a Thoracic Surgeon to see if they will need to resection the lung or what all can be done to help prevent this from happening at all or at least not as often. 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Tue, 15/04/2025 04:19 (1 Month ago) |
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Still in the hospital with dad. He's in a lot of pain from the tube in his lung. We were told tomorrow morning, he would get an X-Ray. If his lung still looks good, they'll remove the tube and wait half an hour, then take another X-Ray. If it hasn't collapsed again, then we'll be good to go home. So, we're hoping for the best. Had a visit from my brother-in-law and his wife. And my grandma will be coming for a two-week visit (so very little if any game time from the 20th until the 4th). But she'll at least be able to keep dad company while I'm in surgery on the 24th. 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Mon, 14/04/2025 01:17 (1 Month ago) |
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Hoenn Shadows Day Thirteen Wynaut, Female, Modest, Chain #2 Metang, Genderless, Careful, Chain #38, First on Site Sableye, Female, Naughty, Chain #125 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Sun, 13/04/2025 21:54 (1 Month ago) |
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I'm studying the Washington Driver Guide to take the written test to get my permit so dad can teach me on the country/straight roads. I got to the part about Intersections and this quote: "Just because you have the right of way does not mean you will be given the right of way." Me: That reminds me of the time I was 14/15. I was a Freshman in High School, and one of my first few times walking through the town on my own (note: my mom, brother, and I lived in a small town with no lights, and my High School was in a much bigger town) during Lunch to find places to eat or do things. Also note, I had no friends (sometimes via my choice, other times because I was too hyper, annoying, weird, etc.) I was alone for 95% of my Middle and High school life. Anyways. Got to a crosswalk, and the light was green, but I didn't cross. There was a car to my right that kept honking at me, and I was thinking about how dumb they were for not knowing the laws of the road. The light in front of me turned red, and I began to cross. At this point, the car to my right yelled out, "Are you an idiot?" or some other form of insult. It's been so long. When I got home that day, I asked mom about it. She told me that I was the one who was wrong. I just finished telling dad about it now, and he was like, "How did you not know? Even if it was your first few times being brave enough to walk alone in town, you should have known with all the times you'd been a passenger on the bus or with your mom." "Hey! I knew that when in a car, you went when the light was green and stopped when it was red. I don't remember exactly why I was confused, but maybe I thought those rules were different when NOT in a car." He just shakes his head at me while I say, "Yeah. I know. Sometimes, you wonder about me." "Sometimes..." 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Sun, 13/04/2025 00:49 (1 Month ago) |
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Hoenn Shadows Day Twelve Aggron, Female, Naughty, Chain #52 Skitty, Male, Calm, Chain #34 (Also 34th Hoenn caught) 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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SakuraWolf23 OFFLINE Forum Posts: 474 |
Posted: Sat, 12/04/2025 05:16 (1 Month ago) |
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[Writing] I spent the last week working on one of my short stories with the limited free AND relaxed time I had between everything else that was being done. Wound up with 200 more words after polishing up what was already written. And 800 new words to the short story. It's ending at 2053 words. I still need to polish up the last eight stories. But since I've decided on a theme for the first book, I only need to polish two of those stories and two more. Everything else is pretty much done and ready. It looks like it's going to be six Short Stories, six Poems, and one chapter each from Just Another Caturday, Sinfully Sweet, and Spooktacular Short Stories. I need to write out my "About the Author " section and consider whether I want to hand-draw a picture to represent each entry. As well as find someone who can do a cover photo for me. There might be a few other things I need to do first, but I should be looking for a publisher by the end of June! ^.^ 🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸 [Read more] |
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