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SakuraWolf23's Mysterious Hellscape
Forum-Index → Diaries → SakuraWolf23's Mysterious Hellscape
Posted: Thu, 05/12/2024 05:26 (2 Months ago)
My brother: *steals and downs my recently opened can of soda, squishes it, throws it in the trash, and acts like it was a darn good beverage*
Me: Okay. First off. That was mine. Second. The bag for that is in the kitchen.
Josh: That was too much work.
Me: You could have put it back where it was, and I would have taken care of it eventually.
Josh: There are many paths, courses, and actions one can take in life, but that is not the one I chose.
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Posted: Fri, 06/12/2024 04:52 (2 Months ago)
*squeals* I just got all of this at a Thrift Store for $8!!! I've never read Dean Koontz before, but I know he's a really popular author, and for 10 cents each, I just had to get all his books.
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Posted: Sat, 07/12/2024 07:08 (2 Months ago)
I don't know why this affects me so much, but...
Whenever my dad or I get a message from someone, they're genuinely so happy to have us around, interact with us, help us, be helped by us, or whatever, and I just break down in tears.
This one person messaged dad on PFQ, saying she'd lend him a 6IV Sableye pair, thanked him for being so nice to her friend last year, and told him she'd taken his advice and saved up fields worth of Shinies to send out in Wonder Trades for Christmas.
I cannot begin to describe how much things like this mean to me. To know that there are people who have forgiven me for four years ago. Or, at the very least, don't believe in the drastic extent of the accusations against me. To know that people can consider dad a friend even though he can be rude, arrogant, sarcastic, judgmental, etc. He's always kind, fair, and helpful. He has social anxiety (it's why he talks on Discord and Facebook through me), and so he doesn't talk to people much, especially not with the younger generation, who he considers lazy, selfish, and entitled. But that is due to his own experience with my adopted siblings and their friends. Dad has far fewer friends than I do, and I know that even though he doesn't say or show it, he appreciates those who consider him a friend.
I will always and forever be thankful to those who have shown us kindness and respect, who have treated us like human beings with emotions who can make mistakes, who have given us the opportunity to learn, grow, adapt, change, apologize, be better, etc. The world may have its fair share of vile, cruel people, but there are so many bright, shining lights in the world, too. Thank you so much for reminding me of the good in humanity.
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Posted: Sun, 15/12/2024 00:10 (2 Months ago)
Task: Make 2,000 Interactions
Me: Oh, that's likely another Ogerpon egg. Lemme go to my party.
Me: *pauses to consider moving or hatching an egg*
Me: *uses power orb on an egg*
Egg: *hatches Shiny Cleffa*
Me: Ohh! <3 It's been a while since I got a random shiny from the Lab! ^.^
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Posted: Tue, 17/12/2024 18:15 (2 Months ago)
We woke up today to dad having a message in the Support Center on PFQ.
Apparently, someone reported his Trainer Card and About Me for rule violations.
He got into trouble for telling people what to do with the Ditto they bought.
He'd forgotten that rule change, and I was the idiot who read over his About and approved it.
I apparently missed that part; otherwise, I would have let him know to change it.
He's apparently going to argue that one, though I told him no variation is allowed.
He responded with
"I have no problem with giving someone some, and they sell it.
But I do have the right to say I will not give to someone JUST TO resell.
What they do with it after is their choice. I don't care.
But I don't want people taking advantage of my kindness."
He got into trouble for saying Free to 350k and then saying you can't get it for free.
Uhm, no. READ. He doesn't mind giving for free. And you KNOW that.
Every Christmas for the last four years, he has WTed or released 30+ Ditto.
But people wanted 5+ for FREE, and he just wanted them to limit FREE to 1-2.
Plus people were asking for the Shiny/Albino Ditto for free, and they were NOT mentioned.
He got into trouble for saying, "I can't believe this has to be said"
That's something he's always put because people ALWAYS take advantage of his generosity.
Though I guess no matter how politely you word that, it would be considered calling others idiots.
Also got into trouble for vaguing. Don't see how?
There were about ten people who asked for multiple free Ditto.
A single person who asked for a Ditto for every Nature.
And they're the only ones who could be considering vaguing.
But it is NOT vaguing to add limitations based on what people have done.
He told me adding the limitation would have been fine.
But him writing "people have done this" could be considered vaguing.
Edit to add: We both thought vaguing was for OTHERS to find out who you meant.
Apparently, it's also vaguing if the person themselves knew it was about them.
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Posted: Wed, 18/12/2024 06:05 (2 Months ago)
Oh! I forgot to mention here, but my brother brought home the giant two-foot-tall Eevee for my birthday! He lied to me around Black Friday and said the Walmart where he and mom work at had none, but he got the last one. Then, he had mom tell dad not to get me one. So here I've been thinking for a month that I lost out on the deal, but...
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Posted: Sat, 21/12/2024 07:26 (2 Months ago)
Really should stop giving in to the part of my mind that urges me to go out of my way to find things to hurt myself.
I looked up SW on Tumblr, and stumbled across an answer to a question I asked December 24th, 2023.
First. OMG! I wish you had sent it to me! That was during one of the times I wasn't looking at the blogs, so I actually never saw it. I disappointedly pushed thoughts of that aside when I didn't get any response. I swear. My mind is telling me I did get a response here, but I'm also positive that that was in regards to something else. Regardless, thank you so much for that info! I've copied it and sent it to myself on Facebook for reference.
Second. To the Mod. Why would I have taken that as an attack? That was INFORMATION. Worded very politely, respectfully, and in a way I could understand. I admit I did (and somewhat do) have problems reading tone, and misread intentions. I have been pushing through anxiety and asking for clarification each time I feel someone came at me. It's really scary because despite how much I respond to things here, I'm actually terrified of confrontation. If any single one of you came at me in PMs, even worded nicely, I'd be shaking with anxiety, upset that I made you mad or disappointed, worried that you'd misunderstand my response instead of working with me, and then eventually yell at me. I've always been terrified of confrontation, but that issue got worse over the last four years dealing with dad's anger. Things are so much better now, but we still have our arguments, and I'm still so very scared of speaking up for myself about anything, even expressing how someone made me feel.
As happy as that made me that I finally had some answers (because I was going to ask again soon), I also found something that upset me.
Third. I saw the post by "Heartless Anon". I try so very hard not to lower myself to bullies' levels, but you're a POS!! If you want to know where you stand in comparison, I hate you more than Maleficent and Maeflora/EpicGamer420. I hope the Blog Mod banned you from ever posting again after they discovered what you said was a lie. That day was the first time I saw my brother crying. He's 24! My mom cried every time she went out there to help me clean up the mess, and after three weeks, she stopped helping because it was too hard on her. I still break down and have flashbacks of the day, wondering what would have happened if I'd noticed sooner or if I'd gone out to check when I had that gut instinct that something was wrong. Or that I'd been able to save any of their dogs. MY DOG. That I raised for the first three years of her life. Who would have been 13 on Halloween.
Set One || Set Two || Picture || Set Three || Set Four || Set Five || Picture
Proof so it's 1000% clear I was not lying. I haven't seen an apology yet for it, and I would really like one.
Fourth. I'm really sorry! I said I'd stop, but I went back to it after a while. I considered deleting Tumblr again since I have no self-control, and I've stopped utilizing it for what I intended it for, which was updates to my crocheting, gaming, writing, and other things for people who don't have Facebook. But I don't want to let the haters win. Again. So, I'm going to keep it and utilize it more. While also creating some form of reward system where maybe, at the end of the week/month, if I don't look at the blog once, I can buy myself a Plushie or something. The feel-good chemical (I can't remember if it's serotonin or melatonin, and I don't wanna look it up at the moment) might help me feel better about myself and feel like I'm accomplishing something.
Fifth. I want to be better. I swear I do. But I'm beginning to think my dad's right when he says I do nothing to show or prove that I want to change. So let's prove him wrong—not just about that, but everything about me. Let's show him I can take care of myself and that I can be a responsible, emotionally/mentally stable human being!
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Posted: Tue, 24/12/2024 18:02 (1 Month ago)
I have an Auction ongoing on PFQ and had a PM Bidder.
I messaged a Mod RIGHT BEFORE I made that reply and update asking:
"I have a PM bid on my Auction, and wanted to know if I list it as a PM bid, or use their name when updating the post."
Because I felt that others bidding on the Auction needed to know they'd been outbid, I added the PM bid to the first post with the intention of updating it accordingly when I received an answer to my question.
I don't know if somebody reported me (the likeliest option) or if a Mod just happened to see it, but I got a request in the Support Center to change it. That was actually twenty minutes after I updated the Auction, but I've been busy, so I didn't see it until now. Regardless, now I know of that rule.
Just find it super funny and annoying that people are still on our butts trying to find things to report us for. Granted, they are rulebreaking. But I guarantee you aren't actively going out of your way to find everyone breaking minor rules. You might even be letting things slide with newbies or people you don't know because it's not worth your time or energy. But us (dad and I)? Feels like the snap of a finger can't go by with how closely you're stalking us. Get a life. Seriously.
Also, I am Autistic, Anxious, and have a horrible memory. PLEASE JUST MESSAGE ME with "Hey, did you know..." or "In case you forgot..." I know Mini Modding isn't really allowed in most cases because people can be wrong in their interpretation of the rules, but I will instantly verify and change accordingly. I would much rather deal with a random person than the anxiety of a Mod contacting me and instantly wondering if I've accidentally broken another rule AND the last straw and am being banned.
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Posted: Mon, 30/12/2024 04:47 (1 Month ago)
Dad and I were in town today. As a dad and his child walk by us, dad accidentally knocked something off a shelf.
Now anyone who knows us knows that every time something falls or breaks (from anyone), we yell out "It wasn't me!" (Dad was doing this before I had him watch Rocketman five or so years back)
Well, dad as usual, yells out, "It wasn't me!" Then a second later, adds, "She did it! It was her! Right here!" As he points at me.
I replied with, "Did not! Liar!"
The dad giggled at that and the kid burst out in laughter. And honestly, knowing that our childish antics made a little kid laugh made my day. Ah. To be a kid and amused at the simplest of things. ❤
I read this off to dad to make sure I had the story right, he just looks at me and smiles as he says, "And you're still giggling at it."
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Posted: Thu, 02/01/2025 07:45 (1 Month ago)
[Gaming - Genshin Impact]
I wound up spending the last several hours playing Genshin. I just got through the Abyss battle, and cried several times. All the Saurian and human lives lost. Paimon on the verge of tears. Chuychu and Chasca. It was all so bittersweet.
And then, I spent 30 Wishes on the Weapon banner. I got Kirara and Razor! :O Kirara is part of my main team and is like C5 now. Razor is part of my secondary team and now, C2! I still haven't gotten Mavuika's weapon, but I hope to get it before the banner expires.
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Posted: Fri, 03/01/2025 00:59 (1 Month ago)
[Gaming - PokeFarm Q]
I got the first Melan of my chain yesterday, and it was an Any. Needless to say, I called dad all sorts of names (don't get me wrong, I was
Ten minutes ago, he grabbed five of my eggs from Shelter and mentioned how it would be funny if he hatched a Melan for me. When they hatched, he burst out laughing. He seriously got me a Spicy Naughty Melan on his second Melan of his chain.
*squeals* I'm amused, very happy, and also regretful that I was somewhat mad at him for hatching one for him earlier.
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Posted: Fri, 03/01/2025 05:22 (1 Month ago)
Saw this posted on Threads by someone I'm following.
4 things to leave behind in 2025 as an autistic person...
1. Over explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.
2. Doing basically anything for the approval of people who will always see you as not good enough.
3. Putting other people's PREFERENCES before your NEEDS.
4. Not loving yourself the way you deserve to be loved. ❤️
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Posted: Wed, 08/01/2025 04:22 (1 Month ago)
So, thanks to someone's Trainer Card on PFQ, dad and I wound up watching WandaVision.
"What is grief, if not love persevering?"
"We have said goodbye before, so it stands to reason…"
"We’ll say hello again."
This was a really awesome series. Our next goal is to watch Avengers: Age of Ultron (in which, based on references, we'll learn a bit of the Scarlet Witch's backstory), Infinity War, and Endgame.
Plus, all the other Marvel movies! And most importantly, LOKI! *squeals* I keep meaning to watch that series, but I didn't want to be spoilered about Endgame. But once that's watched, I'll add that series to the list of things to watch for family time. ^.^
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Posted: Thu, 09/01/2025 00:32 (1 Month ago)
I still really hate it when people who have been here for a while ask stupid questions.
And those who nicely help and say "there's no such thing as a stupid question."
Yes, there freaking IS. Do not encourage laziness, entitlement, and ignorance.
Why play a game if you won't learn and explore YOURSELF. That's most of the fun!
If you've been here for over half a year, and you're asking questions like
"What's Index?" or "Does this break my chain?"
Why are you even playing?! Log out and go do something you ENJOY because it's clearly not this game.
And the chain one? Grr. NO. An egg obtained from Event Distribution, Rumble, Valentine's, Easter, Halloween, Advent, will NEVER EVER EVER break your chain! WHY DO YOU EVEN THINK THAT?! WHY? It makes ZERO sense to be given a reward for free (Valentine's and Christmas Gifts) or put in some or a lot of hard work and then have it break your chain! For the love of Arceus, please refer to MY Does it break your chain?. The one on site is complete garbage, lacking any form of clarity.
And I'm sorry. This is just one of my pet peeves. I try my best not to bring it up because I know all it does is make me look like an arrogant jerk. But seriously? Don't ask a question that can be answered in five minutes of searching. Go to the Forums. The Wiki. Go to Hashtags and enter some key words there to see if the question has already been answered. ANY amount of effort is better than asking for information to be handed to you.
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Posted: Thu, 09/01/2025 02:06 (1 Month ago)
Though it's quite embarrassing that I had to resort to this because I'm incapable of doing so alone.
It's much too easy for me to click on "view this Tumblr" even though I have it blocked.
But, like with taking Zoloft and getting on meds for AuDHD, sometimes you can't do it alone.
And there's nothing wrong with admitting you need help. Believe it or not, that's actually progress!
So I sent a message to the PH blog asking them to ban me from their blog.
I am sending the request here to all other PFQ blogs to block me as well. Which... Did you know?
There is a new one called pfq underground.
And the owner of one of the others passed away? :O
Here's hoping that this helps me. I want to succeed this year, so I'm going to be prioritizing my mental and physical health. As well as making changes in how I go about my routines of writing, gaming, streaming, crocheting, and reading to make the most of my hobbies AND ensure I still have plenty of time for chores and family.
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Posted: Sun, 19/01/2025 23:27 (1 Month ago)
30 days since I deleted my throwaway account on Tumblr. 30 days without the PFQ drama blog, and 10 without PH drama blog. Which reminds me, I never thanked the PH mod for blocking me upon request, so thank you! ^.^
I genuinely feel much happier again. Don't know what possessed me to continue looking after I said my piece about the fire incident. All that caused was months of unnecessary drama and stress. Not just for me, but for others to the point the PFQ blog had to ban me for everyone's sanity.
I've gotten SO MUCH gaming and writing done this month! Tomorrow, I'm making a phone call I've been putting off out of fear for a long time. And I'm going to start the process of applying for Disability. Part of me believes I don't need it, but my grandma insists I get on it. But considering I have the following health issues, it might be best overall, as it's highly unlikely I will be able to manage a job, even though I still plan on applying to my local library when it has the grand opening later this year.
Issues:
Show
hidden content
-Abandonment, Self-Esteem/-Worth,
Trust Issues
-Anxiety, AuDHD, Depression
-Auditory Processing issue in right ear
-Avoidant Personality Disorder
-Duplex Collecting System in the right kidney
-Forgetful/"Error 404 Brain not found" Issues
-Insomnia
-Lazy Eye (Right)
-Occasional Auditory/Visual Hallucinations
-Paranoia
-Right leg slightly shorter than left
-Sensory Overload issues
-Slight curvature of the spine
-Socially Inept
-Speech Impediment (cannot pronounce r's and w's)
-Squirrel-brained
-Trauma-like shutdowns to raised voices and disagreements
-Wolff-Parkinson-White
-Writer's Narcolepsy
-Possible GERD
-Anxiety, AuDHD, Depression
-Auditory Processing issue in right ear
-Avoidant Personality Disorder
-Duplex Collecting System in the right kidney
-Forgetful/"Error 404 Brain not found" Issues
-Insomnia
-Lazy Eye (Right)
-Occasional Auditory/Visual Hallucinations
-Paranoia
-Right leg slightly shorter than left
-Sensory Overload issues
-Slight curvature of the spine
-Socially Inept
-Speech Impediment (cannot pronounce r's and w's)
-Squirrel-brained
-Trauma-like shutdowns to raised voices and disagreements
-Wolff-Parkinson-White
-Writer's Narcolepsy
-Possible GERD
Dad, however, has me worried. He had me look up "life expectancy of someone with COPD on oxygen". And from what it looks like, I'm only going to get another 1-5 years with him, max. :'( It's a major wake-up call to try and work on myself to show him he doesn't need to worry about me when he's gone. That's why I'm making it a fact that I'll be published this year. I'm not making any more excuses. My writing will be my main focus aside from helping dad and spending as much time with him as possible.
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Posted: Mon, 20/01/2025 04:23 (1 Month ago)
[Gaming - Genshin Impact]
Spent the last seven hours or so completing the Archon Quest for Natlan. I cried so many times, especially when it came to what the Captain did.
Also wound up with about twelve more chances for the Weapon Banner! And wound up with...*drumroll* NOT Mavuika's weapon D: Oh well. I now have three five star weapons. Hopefully someone can use this.
Also unlocked Mavuika's Story Quest, so will get on that too. In the meantime, going to finish up my HUGE list of side/world/story quests before beginning Sumeru's Archon Quest Line. Which I know will be a lot of fun once it gets to a certain part. /sarcasm lol
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Posted: Thu, 23/01/2025 05:11 (29 Days ago)
Oh, wow! I saw my cousin share an update on one of his students and then saw his accomplishments. Out of curiosity, I decided to Google him and came across this page.
https://nfldraftdiamonds.com/2018/07/justice-bishop/
Dad hasn't talked to his family in Kentucky in many years, and I haven't ever met any of them. So, we don't know much about what goes on in their lives. But we have discussed visiting as soon as dad is stable enough. I'd love to see where dad grew up and get to know the rest of my family.
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Posted: Thu, 23/01/2025 07:10 (29 Days ago)
I will never understand why I occasionally have the overwhelming urge to look at the drama blogs. I haven't yet, and I won't. But still. What is so effed up in my brain that I want to hurt myself like that? Is it because I'm too scared of physical pain or the consequences of taking too many meds? Why do I feel I deserve to be in pain and misery all the time? I may have made many mistakes in life, but those are long done and over. I've grown, changed, and moved on from nearly every mistake I made. So WHY?
Is it because I've often been told that I'm a failure who will never amount to anything? Do I really feel that poorly about myself? I mean, come on. There have been so many times that I can sit there and say with genuine pride, "Look at how far you've come", or "You handled that much better than you would have in the past", or "Look at you! Talking about that without shaking", or "Congrats on telling that person how their words/actions made you feel", or "Good job asking for clarification on something you took wrong" and well, you get the point.
So, with all of that. WHY do I sometimes sit here trying to convince myself of how worthless, insignificant, and meaningless I am?
*sighs* I'm taking an Anxiety pill and heading to bed. Good night, everyone! May the Force serve you well!
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Posted: Thu, 23/01/2025 21:26 (28 Days ago)
*starts writing out venting post, pauses midway, and erases*
No. You know what? You're getting my silence from now on.
No matter how badly something bothers me, I'm not reacting.
*goes back to working on Ch 7 of Guardians of Sanctuary*
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