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SakuraWolf23's Mysterious Hellscape
Forum-Index → Diaries → SakuraWolf23's Mysterious Hellscape
Posted: Fri, 24/01/2025 21:51 (25 Days ago)
Ahhh! OMG! OMG! OMG!
I just discovered that the Children of Blood and Bones series by Tomi Adeyemi is being made into movies!
If you've never read the series, it's an absolute MUST READ! It's about POC who can use magic (though magic was mostly eradicated) being oppressed and treated as trash. And how one individual embarks on a journey filled with obstacles to bring back magic to the world. Then, she builds a resistance force, and POC and their allies gather together and take the fight to their oppressors.
I haven't read the final book yet (Fair warning, book two ends on a MAJOR cliffhanger), but I absolutely love and recommend the series for its amazingly realistic display of how POC are treated, the struggles they face, and their fight to take back their power and their right to live and exist.
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Posted: Sat, 25/01/2025 04:51 (25 Days ago)
I just absolutely hate how I can start a day off doing great and then, by close to bedtime, feel the way I'm feeling right now. I've wondered if there was a term for this emptiness and numbness that I often felt. A desire to do something, but a lack of desire to do anything. The feeling is similar to boredom but more suffocating. Out of curiosity, despite not thinking it was the culprit, I googled the word: Burnout.
Lo and behold, it is. I didn't think I could feel burnt out since I don't have a job or do anything that's really stressful. At least to a normal person. I know AuDHD people get stressed out a lot more easily over the most insignificant and trivial things that, at the moment, seem all-encompassing and overwhelming. But there are days when my anxiety is high for an extended time. It's more often on those days that I end up feeling like this close to the end of the day.
"How do you know if you’re burned out? Key signs of burnout include physical and mental exhaustion, a sense of dread about work, and frequent feelings of cynicism, anger, or irritability. By definition, burnout is an extended period of stress that feels as though it cannot be ameliorated. If the stress feels never-ending and comes with feelings of emptiness, apathy, and hopelessness, it may be indicative of burnout."
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Posted: Sat, 25/01/2025 23:57 (24 Days ago)
I don't think I ever shared this here, but I took art back in High School. Wasn't very good at it. But want to bring this up.
One day, we were told to make an abstract art piece with a thermos. I don't recall being told it would be entered in a contest or anything, but my piece wound up being chosen to be displayed at the local Art Fair.
When I found out, my jaw dropped open, and I thought I was being played. But nope. ^.^ I still remember the excitement of bringing my family to the event and how squealy I was when they finally saw it.
The Art Piece
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Posted: Wed, 29/01/2025 00:22 (21 Days ago)
Posted: Wed, 29/01/2025 06:28 (21 Days ago)
Title: Health/Mental Issues
Health/Mental Issues
-Abandonment, Self-Esteem/-Worth, Trust Issues
-Anxiety, AuDHD, Depression
-Auditory Processing issue in right ear
-Avoidant Personality Disorder
-Duplex Collecting System in the right kidney
-Forgetful/"Error 404 Brain not found" Issues
-Insomnia
-Lazy Eye (Right)
-Night Terrors
-Occasional Auditory/Visual Hallucinations
-Paranoia
-Possible GERD
-Right leg slightly shorter than left
-Sensory Overload issues
-Sleep Paralysis
-Slight curvature of the spine
-Socially Inept
-Speech Impediment (cannot pronounce r's and w's)
-Squirrel-brained
-Trauma-like shutdowns to raised voices and disagreements
-Wolff-Parkinson-White
-Writer's Narcolepsy
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Posted: Wed, 29/01/2025 19:28 (21 Days ago)
Six Scream Tail, no Shiny. Already 100 points into the 7th because I had two Iggly saved from the Lab. Here's hoping 7 will be lucky!
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Posted: Thu, 30/01/2025 03:55 (20 Days ago)
*squeals* I did another one!
Base by Owiru, Coloring by SakuraWolf23
Red and Gold Sylveon
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Posted: Mon, 10/02/2025 05:33 (9 Days ago)
[Writing]
Today, I wrote another 528 words in Forevermore, which is now at 4700 words. While writing it, I realized there was a potential plot hole...No that's not the word...Uhm...Continuity error?... In one of my previous chapters, so I made a note to go back and rework that area.
Dad has an appointment on the 11th. He's feeling the best he has since December, when he first went to the hospital, so hopefully, he'll be able to get his second Immun Therapy treatment. While there, I'll work on revising the last chapter of Angel of the Shadows.
Then, my focus will be on Diablo IV until dad and I have completed the Lunar Event.
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Posted: Thu, 13/02/2025 20:25 (5 Days ago)
When I say, you don't know my life and what I go through on a daily basis. That I have a reason to want to play games all day and disassociate. That I have reasons to feel worthless and that the world would be better off without me. That I have reasons to feel all the ways I do. And why it's so frustrating and irritating to deal with people coming at me over things that shouldn't bother me. I'm already dealing with so much, and I can't get a job until the local library has its grand opening later this year. I'm doing everything I can to become someone who can survive on her own. It's a long, slow, hard process. And until you've been in a situation you can't easily get out of or find yourself mentally and emotionally abused nearly every day, with threats of physical violence, you really should keep quiet.
Yesterday:
One thing that I do that I know is problematic is, when dad gets a hateful tone with me, I say or mouth "blah blah blah" and ignore him.
Cause I mean. You tell me it's okay to be angry, but not to be mean. And yet you speak to me like that. You tell me to tell you if I have an issue with the way you're acting, but then do nothing because you think it's justified. If you're going to be hypocritical and disrespectful, I don't want to listen to you.
And when I'm caught mouthing that, you get more hateful and say things like "one more time" and I know that if I don't bite down, I'll be hit.
When I tell you I don't want to talk to you when you're angry, you get defensive. You say you get really tired of me saying you have anger issues when you have "stupid people issues".
Here's hoping this phase of his is due to all the stress of the last few weeks and he's done taking his anxiety and frustration out on me.
Part of it is that I've been slacking off and spending a lot more money on feel goods when apparently ALL of my $200 each month needs to go to cat food and necessities, not wants and pretties. I can't even take one of my cats to the vet unless I've earned it. Well. I could. But I'd get yelled at for doing nothing to deserve it.
That's why I'm trying to get some of my art sold and get on disability so I can have some money to myself each month.
Comment to someone:
Over the years, I've had my hair pulled twice, my keyboard broken, a marble countertop thrown toward me (mom and brother were witness), pushed backward into the couch and hit my head against the shelf behind (brother was witness). Put in a vice grip on my wrist forcing me to the floor once. Among various instances of hatred and rage in my face.
This behavior is usually when I'm being dumb or not doing enough to earn my keep. So it's avoidable. Just frustrating and annoying to deal with because it just makes me mad at myself for not being normal. I don't fear for my life, which is why I stay and try to better myself. But I'm worried for my animals if I left.
Today:
Ahhh, yes. Another instance of hypocritical.
You tell me I have no right to have a tone or attitude when I first get up because "not being awake enough isn't an excuse to be an jerk". Which it's not, but the majority of people can not form coherent thoughts.
And so he decide he has the right to yell at me within two minutes of you getting up. He was in the middle of his breathing testament and said there was a cat at the door. I got up to look and it was Fudge sitting there. I didn't see a problem, so confused, and told to ask when I didn't understand something, asked him what about it.
Got yelled at "There's a cat at the [redacted] door. That's what about it. I can't see what they're doing. I said it so you could get up and check to make sure they weren't going potty. What about that do you not understand? Why are you looking at me like that?"
You have a tone.
"I don't have a [redacted] tone."
*he proceeds to move on to another topic about why I'm sitting down instead of fixing the cat door that I started working on*
Because I'm exhausted from the work that I did already. I couldn't find the screwdriver and wanted a break. It's in the car.
"Why is it in the car? Why don't you take a few extras and put in your toolbox. They are the most common tool to get lost. Don't say yes like you agree but you'll never do it. Don't get upset with me over that statement. Why should I ever believe you'll do something the moment it's brought up instead of putting it off and forgetting?"
Hour Later: Now I'm being chastised for not taking the screws out of the door before trying to clean it and possibly dropped two of them down the sink. This instance of being yelled at I fully agree with because I paused before putting it above the sink and chose not to remove them.
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Posted: Sat, 15/02/2025 06:45 (4 Days ago)
[Writing]
Apparently, instead of working on my main project, Forevermore. Or repolishing the last chapter I did of Angel of the Shadows.
My Muse wants me to write the next chapter of Guardians of Sanctuary or Vampiric Embrace. It's not what I wanted, but I learned a long time ago that you should follow the inspiration.
So long as I either publish Forevermore or complete a single fanfic this year, I'm going to be really super happy!
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Posted: Mon, 17/02/2025 03:07 (2 Days ago)
After much thought, I have chosen to remove the Mod Material section from my Journal.
As much as I would love to help strengthen and protect the community, I have to admit I simply can't.
My haters wrongfully claim I shouldn't be a Mod because I would abuse my power for vengeance.
But those who support and encourage me also think I shouldn't.
Because they know I wouldn't be able to handle the duties.
That knowledge has hurt for the longest time, but more because I didn't want to admit they were right.
Perhaps there will come a day when I'm not so easily upset, but until that day, there are other ways to give back.
Anyways. I've been struggling mentally for the last few days. Got a lot on my heart and mind. But can't and won't go into it much here, as it's not the place. Will probably delete a few posts above this to keep this positive.
Adding my current To-Do List to one of the Reserveds on my first two pages so people have an idea of how poorly I manage my time lmao.
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Posted: Wed, 19/02/2025 02:03 (17 Hours ago)
[Gaming - Diablo IV]
Remember about two months ago when I posted how amusing and endearing it was when dad yelled out "Nature" when discussing trades with people on PokeFarm Q because he struggles to remember the word.
Well, now. While playing Diablo IV, we're doing the Witchtides. Mostly to find Cocoons and hope for Fugitive Head spawns. But a quest in the Witchtides requires following three Seekers and destroying the enemies that spawn at their location.
The Seekers are blue frogs, and every time dad comes across one, he yells out, with childlike enthusiasm: "Froggy!"
I know he feels the same way whenever we play Diablo III and come across a Conduit Shrine. I always wanna be the one to touch it, and when I do, I yell out, "Zappy!"
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