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SakuraWolf23's Mysterious Hellscape
Forum-Index → Diaries → SakuraWolf23's Mysterious Hellscape
Posted: Sat, 14/06/2025 15:45 (1 Month ago)
I just got an ask on Tumblr—that I know is in response to my recent journal post—telling me to get a job. I blocked them, but I'm still saying.
I HAVE one. It's called caring for my dad, who is on oxygen 24/7, and bedridden for most of the day. I am basically In Home Care Service for him. And yes. Contacting DSHS on Monday to figure out how to become a paid one.
I don't know how to drive. YET. It's summer, and dad can't teach me. Even if he could, I will NOT get a job while he's still alive. What if his lung collapses again and he falls and is unable to get help? My mom has cancer, and will be going through chemo/radiation for the first time. Since I know how weak it made dad, I will also be taking care of her.
I'm not going to get a job for the next 3-5 years. You're a pos if you think I am. The ONLY jobs I am trying for now are: Becoming an Artist, Getting Affiliated on Twitch, and Getting tipped for being a Content Creator.
After? Yes. I plan on getting a job at a library.
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Posted: Sun, 22/06/2025 00:14 (27 Days ago)
[Gaming - Genshin Impact]
Ahh! That was a productive 3 hours!
I got Kirara, Keqing, and Furina suited up properly: Kirara with 2 Tenacity and 2 Vourukasha, Keqing with 4 Thunderbird, and Furina with 4 Ocean Hued Clam! Upgraded Kirara's BiS weapon as best as I could, and switched Keqing's weapon to her 5th BiS (as it's the best I have). Leveled up arties for all three of them.
But most importantly, after actually reading what Ocean-Hued Clam is supposed to do, I realized I'd been playing Furina wrong. I'd set her up as a Healer, but then was using her creatures for more damage. Once I realized I needed her to have the Heal Clam on the field, I switched tactics, and...
I can now relatively easily beat the Hydro Tulpa, Inquisitous Baptist, and Lupus Boreas at Adventure Level 50. However, I do think I'm on the World Level below what I should be because AL50 has been too hard for me for the longest time.
Oh! I also just upgraded Keqing's Ultimate to Level 8. Her other two skills are Level 7. She's really coming along nicely! ^.^
Five more pulls today for Skirk. Got another Dahlia. Going to spend the rest of tonight writing or playing Diablo IV, and then start the Sumeru Quest tomorrow to try to get the 2k Primogems for the Aranara quest. And because I can't bring myself to do the Natlan Dainsleif quest without first doing the Sumeru and Fontaine ones (as I'm aware his quests are only once after the completion of an area's Archon Quests).
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Posted: Sun, 22/06/2025 22:03 (26 Days ago)
[Gaming - Genshin Impact]
Ahhh! I just finished Skirk's story quest and love her even more! I want to show/give her the life she fears to have, and help her defeat Surtologi.
At some point, I will have to clean out my quest list and never let it get this long again, lol. But I will start Sumeru the next time I log in, as I desperately want Skirk! <3
America - 637022110
I don't often allow co-op, as I'm trying to complete quests. Even so, I know there are Event Quests you have to send/trade stuff with friends, so you'll have help with that at least. ^.^
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Posted: Wed, 25/06/2025 21:23 (23 Days ago)
*sighs* Went in for recent hip pain, and the X-rays discovered multiple things wrong with my back. This explains why my neck has hurt so badly for the last month. Last I knew, 15 or so years ago, I had a 12-degree curvature of the spine to the left. Now it's worsened so that it's in a C shape. Looks like I'm going to need braces or surgery.
-Multiple chronic alignment abnormalities and multilevel degenerative facet disease
-Reversal of the normal cervical lordosis in the inferior levels
-Mild levoscoliosis through the cervicothoracic juncture
-Grade 1 anterolisthesis at C4-5
-Fusion at C5-6, likely developmental
-Hypertrophic and degenerative changes in multiple cervical facet joints
-Bilateral cervical ribs at C7 (these are basically vestigial ribs)
-Patent neural foramina bilaterally
So I updated my list of Health Issues
https://projectsandhealthsw23.carrd.co/
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Posted: Thu, 26/06/2025 04:47 (22 Days ago)
Okay, so. You know how over the last two years, I've complained about random occurrences of nausea, dizziness, chills, and feverish feelings, but with no actual fever or other symptoms of being truly sick? Well. After a conversation with the doctor a month ago, we've managed to tie those symptoms to moments of constipation.
Ever since dad's stay in the hospital in April, he's been having issues with bowel movements. If he doesn't take Miralax every three days, his digestive system goes on vacation. So when I noticed I'd had three days of barely going, I knew it was important enough to go in.
I have Diverticulosis, which is having small pouches or pockets in the inside walls of the intestines. It develops when the inside lining of your intestines pushes into weak spots in the outer wall. As you digest food and food waste, the waste pushes against the weak spots until they eventually cave in.
Infections can occur because waste gets diverted into those pouches instead of continuing down the intestines, or pieces of constipation can get lodged in the pouches and prevent passage for other waste. These provide the symptoms of nausea, dizziness, chills, intense cramping (thankfully, rarely get), abdominal tenderness/pain (which I've been assuming were kidney stones because I had them once last year), and fever (strangely, just higher than normal temps for me, and not actually temps that qualify as fever).
This condition is permanent and needs to be managed. Laxatives must be taken every couple of days to ensure a smooth process of waste through the intestines. Diverticulitis, however, is an infection that, if it progresses far enough, can cause sepsis. That is why laxatives and/or a high-fiber diet are needed as preventative measures. So yeah, yet another thing to add to my list of issues, lol. At least I finally have an answer to what was causing those symptoms.
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When I was a teen, I loved watching medical shows like "I've Been Impaled," "Monsters Inside Me," "I am my own Twin," "Pregnant and Didn't Know," etc.
So dad and I started talking, and we've established that since I have
Duplex Collecting System in my right kidney (two tubes to the bladder instead of one)
Wolff-Parkinson-White (an extra or more nerve signal strands in the heart, though note I had surgery to fix this)
And now the Bilateral cervical ribs at C7 (an extra set of ribs at the base of my neck that only up to 1% of people have at birth, and are more common in females)
That maybe I'm not deformed, but I am my own twin?! I'm going to discuss the possibility with my PCP, as it's been so long that I don't quite remember all the details from this episode, but a woman wound up needing a transplant, and got one matching her genetics, but her body rejected it. Come to find out the genetic coding in her bone marrow was different than that of the rest of her body. So if I am a Chimaera, it might be medically important to know. ^.^
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Posted: Sun, 29/06/2025 16:35 (19 Days ago)
Okay, so did not expect to be told that I'm being attacked because of posting about my health.
First off. Didn't know a Chimaera was a fish. I just could have sworn it was spelled that way. And I felt you were mocking me for my ignorance there, but I'm not sure if I just misread the tone. I have a list of my mental and physical problems
https://projectsandhealthsw23.carrd.com
that I keep updated so I can inform medical professionals when asked what problems I have. It is also for others who have the same/similar problems to have someone to talk to. Who in the world would WANT to "collect" issues? Nobody WANTS things to be wrong with them. Especially not this many.
Second. I have TWO tubes in the right kidney. TWO extra ribs at the base of the neck. THREE nerve strands instead of two in my heart. And yet, you're questioning how I came to the conclusion that I'm a Chimera. It makes perfect sense. What doesn't make sense is how getting excited about the possibility of being a Chimera make me crying to the world to look at how special I am.
What would you do? Would you rather sit there and feel sorry for yourself because you have so many physical abnormalities? Would you choose, as someone already dealing with extreme depression and self-worth issues, to dwell on how much is wrong with you? To let this further your belief that the world would be better off without a monster like you?
Or would you choose to believe you are your twin? I don't believe this is a means to make YOU think differently of me. I believe this because it's better than allowing everything that's wrong with me and my life to destroy me. I'm believing this for ME.
No matter what I post in my journal, I will be attacked. Post about real life, I'm told gaming journals are not the place. Post about gaming-related stuff, and we'd go back to the times of the Father/Daughter duo where I'd be accused of being condescending and rubbing my victories (like all my FoS Hoenn Shadows) in people's faces. I wouldn't be allowed to be excited about any of my victories or progress without someone taking offense.
Would think after FIVE YEARS of harassment, y'all'd be over me by now. Please only bring my name up when I'm doing or believing something wrong that actively harms others. Who cares if I think I'm a Chimera. It doesn't affect you or your life. Leave me be.
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Posted: Sun, 29/06/2025 22:00 (19 Days ago)
I'm sorry for all the health-related posts I've been making recently. The last three months have been challenging for me. What with how much weaker the hospitalization from the collapsed lung made my dad. Learning that my mom has cancer. Finding out all these things wrong with me that need to be fixed relatively quickly so that I don't wind up as weak as my dad when I hit my 50s.
Although I do have people to talk to, I feel like I don't because, well. I'm the one living with him. I know what he's going through and how difficult life has become for both of us. Why would I want to talk about the struggles with the family that doesn't get to see him often? Why would I want to hurt them, knowing there's nothing they can do about it? Why would I want to make them feel bad for not being able to see him as often?
It's just...Some of you might be going through similar situations. But I don't know. It just feels different and less painful to discuss it with strangers.
I'm honestly so sick and tired of anything and everything I post being put down. Can't be excited about things. Can't express my hurt about things. Definitely cannot stand up for myself. I don't have anyone. At least here, based on the likes on my posts and comments, I can pretend that people care about me and are interested in what's going on in my life. Even though clearly, nobody is. -_-
Which is why as much as I feel like I should just completely fall silent, I don't want to let these jerks win. Think what you want of me. Better yet. Think of what I'm going through right now, and ask yourself how much better than me you would handle things?
Then again, I can look at things like this. The only reason someone is upset with me about posting all this health stuff is because they're jealous of how well I'm handling it. Or they're jealous of my connection with my parents. That doesn't justify the way you're treating me.
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Posted: Mon, 30/06/2025 04:41 (18 Days ago)
[Reading - A Court of Thorns and Roses]
I spent today doing some things that needed to be done, and then played Genshin for a few hours. Got two more chances at Skirk, and like five more on the Standard (which I'm at like 50 Pity on)
But most of today was actually spent in the bedroom keeping dad company while reading A Court of Thorns and Roses.
OMFG. I'd already read the Assassin short stories and the first book with Celaena, so I knew Sarah J Maas was a talented storyweaver. But ahhh! I just finished the chapter where Feyre is given the riddle, and I figured out before she did her mistake in making the deal. Despite how cleverly she was with the wording, she didn't catch the "immediately" in one option and the lack of it in the other.
Right now, I'm so torn between Tamlin, Lucian, and...*mumbles* Rhysand. :O What? If you know me, you know I gravitate towards those types of characters. Ahh! I'm so looking forward to seeing if Feyre breaks the curse in this book. <3
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Posted: Sat, 05/07/2025 16:15 (13 Days ago)
My mom finally moved in after having her first chemo treatment. She'll be living with us until September 3rd. She's also trying to quit smoking, so that's a joyful (sarcasm) experience.
When I checked my profile to help my new eggs this morning, I saw I had an influx of visitors. Because of the anxiety spike from it, I turned off the Latest Visitors section. I don't need to add the worry about when/if I'm being talked about on the blogs to everything else going on right now. My life is a mess of getting up at 7 am five days a week to head to town at 8 for appts at 9 am, the stress of packing to move, other doctor appts, furthering my streaming career, and focusing on my writing.
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Posted: Sun, 06/07/2025 04:46 (12 Days ago)
[Gaming - Genshin Impact]
*sighs* Little over two days left, and I'm sadly going to have to give up on Skirk. I'd lost the 50-50 to Qiqi at about 70 Pity, and I'm currently at about 60 with real-life priorities I've been slacking on in my desperation to get Skirk.
Dad has a point. What even is the point of working my butt off for characters here? I love the characters, design, and storyline. But I don't ever play unless it's grinding for a character I really want. So why play a game I don't like for a character I won't use until I want a new character?
Besides, I can always write fanfics self-shipping myself with characters I love (Dainslief and Skirk), being besties (with Kirara and Keqing), etc. I can still experience the world even if I never play the game again.
It hurts to say goodbye to the game, but it's for the best, especially since it gives me time to focus on more important stuff.
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Posted: Wed, 09/07/2025 01:02 (10 Days ago)
[Writing - Fanfiction Diablo 3]
Updated my spreadsheet for my Diablo 3 fanfiction so I have a better idea of what's coming when, approximately how many chapters I'm going to need, and the countdown of days til the end of the Season (Journey). That way, I don't end before or go over by 1-2 days. This also let me know where to add filler/fluff chapters. Chatpers may still get rearranged, but at least I have a much better idea of what's going on.
Although I still need to select a set of five Bounties from each region. That will be another page of information to collect before I proceed to the next chapter. Thankfully, once this latest chapter is finished and posted, I'll be working on my new short story idea for a while, so I have time to get that prepared.
This season allowed me to get the names of all the Boss Achievements. However, I'm still missing the name of the achievement for "Master a Set Dungeon" because that task was removed several seasons ago, instead replaced by the "Complete and Echoing Nightmare" task. So if anyone knows that achievement name, let me know!
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Posted: Fri, 11/07/2025 23:14 (7 Days ago)
I still wish we could see who upvoted our journal posts like we can on PFQ. Sometimes I genuinely feel like nobody is interested in what I have to say or what's going on in my life.
Knowing that people support me, are astounded by or encouraged by my strength and perseverance in everything I'm going through, or simply enjoy seeing me post about things that make me happy...
Gives me the ability to carry on. Because my dad is so dismissive of my passions, but that's my fault. He says I never put much effort in, or always give up too quickly. And my mom and brother don't care about my passions. They never want to read my stuff or see my drawings. The fact that my FB friends only care when I'm whining about it makes me feel like they don't care about me at all, and are only commenting on it out of pity or to make me shut up.
It means more to me than you know to have people interact with me. Makes me feel relevant, that I have meaning, and that I'm worth something.
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Posted: Sun, 13/07/2025 05:13 (5 Days ago)
[Writing - Fanfiction Diablo 3 Guardians of Sanctuary]
Well. Although I did not finish the chapter of Guardians of Sanctuary today, I did manage to write 670 words. It should only take that many more to wrap it up. So, if I can defeat my executive dysfunction and waiting mode issues tomorrow, I'll have it finished and can finally move on! ^.^
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Posted: Sun, 13/07/2025 22:49 (5 Days ago)
I forgot to post this two days ago.
Me: Oh yeah. You still need to get your Hey Google set up.
Me: *lifts phone to speak* Hey, Google. Why is my dad so dumb?
Google: I'm sorry. I cannot answer questions that are insulting or demeaning. If you have concerns about your father, consider speaking to an adult.
Us: *busting up laughing*
Me: And as I finish reading this off to dad, I have to add that the only thing on my mind is Gohan saying "I need an adult"
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And this from three days ago
Listening to Too Much Time on my Hands on the way to mom's radiation appointment.
Dad: He must write it really small because I tried writing time on my hands before but I only got noon on my left hand and midnight on the other so he must write really small with 9, 9.15, 9.30 on his fingers.
Radio: That was Styx with Too Much Time on my Hands.
Dad: Oh! That's how he's doing it. He's a stick and they have all kinds of branches, and twigs and stuff, so he really could have a whole lot of time on his hands.
Me: *facepalm*
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Posted: Mon, 14/07/2025 04:17 (4 Days ago)
[Writing - Fanfiction Diablo 3 Guardians of Sanctuary]
Another 430 words written today in Guardians of Sanctuary. I would have finished the chapter, but I put on some fake nails because I won't stop biting due to stress, and they're so difficult to type with. Think I need to trim them just a teeny bit to work better. Worst of all, some of them aren't sticking very well, so I think I may have just gotten poorly designed ones. Either way, too annoyed to continue writing tonight.
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Posted: Wed, 16/07/2025 05:14 (2 Days ago)
[Writing - Fanfiction Diablo 3 Guardians of Sanctuary]
Another 330 or so words written, and the chapter is finally done!
I'm going to go over it one more time tomorrow, and then read it off to dad.
Then, once I've made the changes he suggests, I'll upload it! *squeals*
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Posted: Wed, 16/07/2025 22:29 (2 Days ago)
*squeals* Chapter 8 of my Diablo 3 Fanfiction, Guardians of Sanctuary, is finally up!
You can read it on Wattpad: A Legen...Dary Experience
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