Forum Thread

Here it is! Artist Naeriie on Twitter/PokeFarm Q! Well worth 12.5M Credits! And. I'm crying again. <3
Character Wildfyre is a Fire Type Midday Lycanroc and my Pokesona. She may not be used without permission.

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Last night, I had another premonitive nightmare, this one with my mom and brother. So now I'm stressed out even more as I worry about what's going to happen. What's a premonitive nightmare? Read here

Based on the lines coming into my head, my muse wants me to be creative and write a poem about how I'm feeling. So gonna do that before I start on Forevermore or Sinfully Sweet. But first, gotta finish getting caught up with games. Should only take like half an hour, and then I have the rest of the day to writing.

Dad, reading this: We are going to town today. Hopefully by ten.

*sighs* Guess I'll just get my games caught up. Maybe I'll have some time to write before we leave (one hour), but there should still be plenty of time to do so when we come back. And if not, I need to make some.

Writing and drawing are what I want to do in life. And although my excuses have decreased, I still justify my procrastination.
Yesterday, 17:04
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Well. One of the conversations on the way to town took too much out of dad, so now I'm shopping alone in Walmart while he gets the needed stuff from Lowes.

Hate being alone in public as it really sets off my anxiety, but anything I can do to help with his chronic depression, I'll do it.
Yesterday, 19:05
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Got home half an hour ago, and just got all the groceries put up. Bought another cactus, and now, for some reason, I really want to get a Venus Fly Trap. Now to relax a bit before getting into writing. ^.^
Yesterday, 21:31
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Took an hour, but finished the poem. It's called Wanderer.

Now to get caught up on reset stuffs, watch two episodes of Alias, Numb3rs, or Lie to Me with dad, and then get some writing in.

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Title: PFQ About "Feeds"

03-04-21 Feeling Better

03-07-21 Disappointment

03-10-21 Eagerly awaiting release of Chocobo! + Sweepstakes

03-14-21 Apology for lack of clicks

03-17-21 Laughing at Cele

03-18-21 Color Math

03-23-21 No More Gaming Notices

03-26-21 Not Feeling Interacty

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*sighs* Yet another day with no writing accomplished. Been super busy the last few days, but dad and I finally finished the construction project for the house, so it'll be a while before he's feeling up to anything. Which gives me plenty of time to write and draw.

Currently considering not calling to get my Zoloft refilled tomorrow. It's been almost six months now, and, honestly, I don't think it's really helped much. Either I need to be placed on a higher dosage or a different med. Which means a trip to the clinic instead of just a call. :(

Would also like to thank one of my PFQ friends who's made me cry twice in two days now. And in a super good way. We don't talk often, and the only time I come to her is when I need someone. Which makes me feel horrible, but I really like her. She's one of those people I praise. One who will make it clear that they think you're being dumb, but will love and respect you anyway. I'm either scared of getting too close to her and risking abandonment or betrayal. Or I don't want her getting hurt when people find out she's friends with me after...everything.

Regardless, one of my worst qualities is my inability to take risks of the heart. Not everyone is going to hurt me. I know that, but it doesn't stop the fear. Perhaps the best solution is to just develop a "come what may" attitude, and keep my eyes, ears, heart, mind, and arms open only for those who deserve it. Gonna be really hard for someone like me who's been mentally and emotionally abused all her life, but I can't keep letting my fear dictate my life and actions.

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Oh. Forgot to mention that dad and I discussed things. He says Zoloft shouldn't affect focus. That I'd need to get re-evaluated for ADHD and other mental problems and get a prescription for that. BUT. The first thing he wants me to do is to spend a few months on self-discipline to see if I can do it without meds. Which sucks, cause I already know I'm horrible at sticking to things.

But honestly. The ability to stick to my convictions would benefit me in so many different ways Heck. 90% of my problems in life could have been prevented with even the slightest bit of self-restraint. So I think I should really, truly, give this a real go and be adamant with my decisions. Whether they be to avoid chaos, to stop picking at my nails, or to be less selfish. Becoming a better person will be hard work. But it will be worth it in the end!

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Title: For Memory Purposes

Removed

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*yawns* Got a bit of writing in today, which resulted in two positives.

First. Rewrote the last scene I'd done at the characters' behest. They were right in their belief it would be better if done their way.
Improved Scene

Second. Redefined the actual ending to the story and made it something unexpected.

And now, your darling wolfcat heads to bed. Good night, everyone!

Oh. If you don't know that term, read Echoes of the Fall by Adrian Tchaikovsky. While you're at it, check out his other series, Shadows of the Apt. They're really good.

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Got 50 words written today. Though it was pretty much just me editing the last chapter I'd written. It's at about 1700 words, and I was seeing what, if anything, I could change around to get it to 5k. I might be able to get it to 2500, but that's about it. So it looks like I'm going to have to deal with a few short chapters.

Would've written more, but helping dad for half an hour, chasing down the Shadow Unown !, a half-hour socialization with my mom and brother, and the stuff from earlier today took the rest of my energy. So I'm just gonna head to bed now.

Ooh. my Snowfyre is Level 7,272!

Good night, everyone! May the Force serve you well! <3

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*yawns* Third Zeraora egg of the event.

Spent most of the last four hours working on a surprise drawing for someone's birthday that's coming up very soon. Not only am I doing dragons for the first time, but I'm working with memory only from everything I've learned so far about anatomy. No references. Got two of the dragons down with five to go. Might even add the parents if I feel up to it.

Also brought my tablet out. Going to look into a few free art apps tomorrow and make a test drawing. Wonder if I should make it an adoptable or what all I should do with it. No rush as I got a few days to think about it.

Good night, everyone! May the odds be ever in your favor! <3

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Ugh. I hurt so bad. Spent the last hour and a half cleaning a small little area of the house. Got two boxes worth thrown away, one to take out of the shed. It's still gonna have to be cleared up even more cause we plan on selling the rolltop desk that we no longer use, but that can be done another day.

Also spent an hour earlier today making cables for dad. With the remodel of the one spot in the house, we needed router cables made. So he cut the length for all the cords that we needed, showed me how to do all the stuff with the wiring on one end, and then I did the other five ends.

Oh! Tablet was found and charged. So tomorrow I'll find a couple of apps and give them a test run. Really looking forward to this!

Anyways...Gonna head off to see if I can get some work done on the birthday piece I started yesterday. ^.^

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Okay. So did a bit of looking around. Found MediBang Paint, Paper Color, and dotpict that I'm going to try out. 10M+ downloads on the first two, and 1M on the third. Each of em at least 4* total reviews.

dotpict is for Pixel art, which means it'd be much better for sprite designing than Paint. So if I have the energy and time, I might even learn that one first just to redo my egg designs and make them even better. If not, not worried. There's always next time.

Ahh! I can't believe I'm actually going to start putting focus into this. I've refrained from doing so for so long, even with my writing, cause of never feeling good enough.

But I just keep reminding myself. Even if I'm not as good as I want to be, my art might change someone's life for the better. Or I might be someone's inspiration to go for their own dream.

I could hold myself back for myself. But the thought of being able to touch others with my work? At the very least, I gotta take the leap of faith and go for my dreams.

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Got 1.75 more dragons done in the surprise drawing. As it looks now, I'm thinking to just keep it for my own or put the set up for adoption. Because I'm really not seeing the almost four complete creatures as dragons, so I don't think the giftee would like it as much as I originally hoped.

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Back in December, mom and I were at the post office. I was there to get a money order for dad. We heard an elderly man talking to the clerk about how he wouldn't have the money to pay for his box. After a few minutes, he left.

I'd already gotten the money order and was going through the mail. I paused, walked back to the clerk, and asked if I could pay his bill. She was about to cry as she credited the money to him. She even handed me a piece of paper, on which I wrote "Merry Christmas from Santa's Secret Elf"

A few days ago, mom stumbled into the man at the post office and asked him if he liked his Christmas gift. He broke down in tears and asked her if she was the one who did it. She said no, and he told her to thank whoever it was.

I may not have been there to see his reaction, but when she relayed the incident to me, it touched me just as deeply, and I cried for several minutes.

Even the smallest of actions can have the most profound of an impact on someone. <3

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Yet again another day of no writing or drawing. BUT

-Spent two hours with dad in town
-Spent two hours cleaning after we came back and got a decent portion of the guest room that'd been filled with boxes clean
-Spent half an hour on other miscellaneous necessities
-Watched two episodes of Alias with dad
-Broke the block on one of my short stories by deciding to change the last several paragraphs of how things had gone
-Decided that I could use my best short story, Reality, in the Spooky Collection with just a bit of tweaking to match a prompt
-Changed the name of the bad character in the most recent chapter of AotS (will update that asa reach 5k words written)
-Read 25 pages in the Star Wars book I have checked out from the library
-A couple more things that I can't remember off the top of my head

So overall, productive day. Going to try to get one of those streams done tomorrow. So crossing my fingers I have the energy for that. Anyways...Good night! Blessed Be!

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Doing some cleaning, and came across the card the Vet Clinic sent when dad's 26-year-old cat, Daphne, had to be put down. Even though it's been several years, I broke down into tears while looking at all the signatures of sympathy and consolation from the staff members.

I'd only known Daphne for two years and didn't much like her. I do still greatly miss her, though. But the memory that gets me the most is sitting next to dad outside the van as we waited to be able to take her home, and not knowing what to do or say as he openly cried his heart out.

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I may love cop shows, but gotta admit that I HATE seeing episodes where they're after another cop. Or, like in Person of Interest, where we consistently see corrupt cops manipulating the system or getting away with crimes. I never used to fear cops, but all the subtle manipulation in shows has messed up my mind. Like...Yeah. I know their original intent was just to show that good guys can fall prey to their darker desires, too. But still...Really makes me wish something would be done to the justice system.

I hope so badly that I can see a fair to all justice system in my lifetime. But it just doesn't seem likely. What with the deciding of where and how much funds to reallocate. Going through the hundreds, if not thousands of laws and remaking them to suit current needs. With deciding what kinds of training and evaluations cops should receive, and how often those should be retested.

It's going to be a long, frustrating process, but hopefully, one day soon, we, or our children, will reap the rewards. Where everyone, regardless of whatever reason, receives the same treatment, respect, punishment, etc for the exact same crime. No more of this five years to this guy, but one month to that one cause he's important to the swim team. Where nobody is above or below the law. Where those who do something horrible that violates their oaths to protect and serve get treated with the same contempt as civilians who committed the same crime, regardless of their ranking. Where officials can't be blackmailed, bribed, or otherwise persuaded to do certain things.

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Yet another moment of wanting to announce how proud I am of my being a good girl and otherwise recognizing bad behavior before I do it for the last month and a half. But feeling that to go into any sort of detail about it implies dwelling on it, which, in turn, shows that I haven't put the past behind me.

And yet, I also still feel that just because I want to regularly shout and brag about my personal accomplishments of growth doesn't mean that I haven't let go. Just means that I know the changes, though slow, are there, and this way, I can remind myself of that during times of dark thoughts.

Like...Earlier today, dad mentioned how he can really see the Zoloft helping now cause I'm talking to people more, I'm not as shy or nervous, and I'm wanting to stream despite the super anxiety it gives me. And if he, who rarely gives me any form of a compliment or praise, can say that about me, then I should not give these minor negative thoughts an ounce of power.

Good night! <3

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Was planning on doing a stream on Twitch, but couldn't get the Rotate to Start feature to work. I did, however, manage to get five of seven cats cuddled with me, with one on a blanket in the bookshelf.

Top: Not Fuzzy, Angel.....Middle: Loki, Grayskull.....Lap: Fuzzy.....Shelf, Not Pictured: Brownie.....Missing: Gray

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Since I was in the middle of important stuffs, dad left for town by himself 55 minutes ago.

My mom and brother were inside for the last 40 minutes, but my brother had a dentist appointment. And since he didn't remember the way--having only driven to that town once--and didn't know addresses, phone numbers, or other such info, he didn't feel comfortable going alone.

So now I'm stuck alone for at least an hour. I'm really glad--not only at the fact that this doesn't happen often--but that I have gotten much better at dealing with being completely alone for short periods of time. It now takes a couple of hours to begin to freak me out. But I still instantly start to panic if I know I'm going to be alone all night, or if I wake up to an empty house.

Edit: Lol. Mom and brother made it back five minutes before dad, and they left almost an hour after he did.

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Just got back from Bingo with mom. The jackpot was won last time back in November when we were no longer allowed to gather for a while due to COVID restrictions. The new starting Jackpot is $300 for a blackout within 50 numbers. Nobody won. Expected, as usual, is between 60-65 numbers.

I wound up coming home with $4 in winnings (would've been $12, but it was a three-way tie), and a late birthday present from my friend. It's a wolf Diamond Dotz. Never done one of these before. Perhaps it will be a fun exercise with mom.

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