Forum Thread

Sometimes I stumble across profiles, journals, posts, etc that I really like or can relate to. And despite the fact I still don't always have the courage to be the first to send a random message, I think it's immense progress that I send a friend request.

Because it shows that I'm no longer listening to that horrible internal voice that tells me not to bother. Who whispers in my ear that everyone is out to get me, and that, no matter what, everyone's end goal is to destroy me.

You can't live life in constant fear of the what-ifs. Especially ones based on past experiences. And you definitely can't keep judging all future friendships by what's happened to you in the past. You gotta take the plunge and experience things. You never know what your hesitation can cause you to miss out on. And I'd rather live life with as few regrets as possible. ^.^
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Barely got 200 words or so written in Angel of the Shadows today. Wound up spending most of my time doing other To-Do list tasks or helping my dad with one of his projects. Here's hoping I have some time tomorrow. :D

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Ah! Very productive day today! I

-Had a decent-sized conversation with FOUR people! Usually, I can only handle a few replies to a person in a day, but I went for at least 10 to each person!

-I did a Melan bait for a friend on PFQ. His Melan Espurr hunt is going so poorly, and I wanted to give him some much-needed luck.

-I added 300 words to Sinfully Sweet. It's now my second ever project to reach 10k words. And I think I like how the rework of it is going. Three more pages to edit, and the new path fits the storyline so much better.

-Finally settled on a name for the Anya and Layla story. It's called "Forevermore"

-Spent two hours with dad putting together our new computer desks. The new setup and mouse are taking a bit to get used to.

-Based on one of the conversations I had, I'm considering offering my services for Headcanons. As well as strongly considering an Art Shop. I know I've thought about a shop several times now, but I'm really starting to feel comfortable with my writing and art. I mean...I still don't think I'm super talented, but I see enough interest in other people's work who are also around my skill level, so I don't see why I shouldn't put myself out there.

-OMG! This cat tree was soo worth the $50. The cats absolutely love it. I'm going to try to get a video of Angel playing with one of the bellballs. She bats at it so aggressively it's adorable.

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After an hour of reading, decided to get some writing done. And wound up removing 2k more words from Sinfully Sweet. This was a conversation of a list of four things one character wanted the MC to remember. But I figured those would be better off spread throughout the series. But at least I'm now caught up with the editing and can continue on. I'll do as much as I can in this project until Writer's Block hits me, and then I'll go back to Forevermore.

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1. I apparently burnt my finger with tea yesterday and didn't realize it. Got a small blister at the tip which makes it difficult to type.

2. So...I can't make <-- my Avatar on Discord unless I have Nitro? Boo! It's so cute!

3. Starting to feel a bit overwhelmed at everything on my list. Especially when I keep adding more. I want to both write and read right now. Writing would take longer to check off the list. So I'm thinking of spending the next week doing as much reading as possible to clear those books out of the way.

4. Whenever I'm catching a Shadow, I can't help but daydream about Angel of the Shadows. Now that I made that rule where I can't do any FF/RP until I write 5k words in a main project, the excitement of getting back to one of the projects I'm quite passionate about is great incentive to work. Honestly, though. I'm still super excited for the Forevermore story.

Edit:
5. Spent at least two hours reading today (in half hour or so spurts). Really not liking this one book. It's decent, but does very little to keep interest. I'm about 75% through it, and it still hasn't really picked up. Course, it could just be the language style that's getting to me. Remember? I said everything, not just the speech, was written in like Victorian or Elizabethian type speech.

6. Added a writing project to the list. I found out about it like two weeks ago, but the only note I made of it seems to have been in PMs to myself on Facebook. Which got lost cause I note myself a lot lol. But anyways. Will def make time for that soon. While I'm on the subject. This will be for the same person who I submitted a story to last July. He's only gone through about half the submissions so far. But his timing is 4-8 months to know. And since it's been about 7 now, I should know really soon if I got in. Truthfully? I'm hoping I didn't. Every time I look back at that story, I cringe. Should've went through it a couple more times before submission. Oh, well. Live and learn. This next one will be better!

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4 inches of snow all day yesterday. Another four inches overnight. STILL FALLING! And supposed to for another 7-8 hours.

We're currently having fun watching the garbage truck try to get up the inclined hill on our road. He's got dual tires AND chains. Dad says that if the roads aren't plowed yet, AND they're having that much difficulty getting up a teensy hill, then we sure as heck ain't going anywhere.

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Earlier today, I started to write an apology out to someone. I got a third of the way through before I started shaking. So I took a step back to ask myself what was wrong. The following is the type of conversation that goes through my head at least once a week. I know better. Truly, I do. Just sometimes, the negatives overwhelm me, and I have to remind myself of what to do. The internal conversation went like this:

Why are you wanting to apologize? I feel like I did something wrong.
Did you? Not that I know of.
Why do you want to? Cause I feel I should.
Do you even like the person? No. I think they're a conceited, arrogant, elitist, self-righteous jerk.
Again. Why do you want to? I can't stand that they don't like me.
You don't even like them. What's the problem? They hold a lot of weight with...others.
Ah. So it's not about this person. It's about your image. Perhaps.
What about that one Tumblr Ask? The one that was basically: Do you wanna be popular-liked or good-person liked?
Yes. That one. What happened to keeping that in your mind? Gah! Leave me alone! I'm so frustrated right now.
Do you want any of these people in your life? At one point. Before. But now? No. They jumped to conclusions about me and didn't give me a chance to express myself properly.
Did you mean things in the way they were taken? Of course not! I really do have a problem with words.
Who cares how they see you? I do!
Do you do things to intentionally cause problems? *shuffles feet* Occasionally.
Was that your purpose then? No! I just wanted the unnecessary hate to stop! Instead, I created more.
Again, I ask. Do you want these people in your life? No. I can't stand judgmental people.
Then what is your real concern? That their unceasing hatred will turn people against me.
Do you care if people who don't know you do that? Kind of. Should always get the other side before making a choice.
Do you care if people you like and trust do that? Of course! It makes me feel unwanted and unloved.
But you have several friends--some made from this pain--who love and support you. I know.
Why don't you focus on them? I try. I'm scared to get too close and truly be myself. That they'll leave me when they see how weird I am, or that I don't feel and think like the majority on most topics.
I know you know the truth about that. Yeah, yeah. If they do leave, I'm better off without them.
Do you know what else you should do? *silence*
Stop wasting your time on this. Stop giving these people power over you. It's hard not to.
No, it's not. It's quite simple. We both know deep down, you like to cause trouble and then get upset when it gets out of hand. *silence*
These people don't care about you. Stop trying to fix things that cannot be fixed. Move on. It's a no-win situation.
That's your excuse to let the wound fester. Stop caring about what people who hate you think of you. Stop worrying about being backstabbed, abandoned, manipulated, lied to, etc. You'll regret everything you miss out on like that. :'( Life can be so hard and cruel.
Keep focusing on the positives, and the people who truly love you, and you can do anything! *silence*
While I think I have you in an understanding mood...Apply this same logic to your old Facebook Roleplay friends who haven't spoken to you in years. They will forgive you in their own time. And if they don't... *sighs* Then our friendship, however much it meant to me, wasn't meant to be.
Perhaps it was, but only to teach you the lessons you refuse to learn because you cannot seem to let go of the pain you feel you deserve. *shuts the mental door, preventing logical me from speaking more, crawls into bed, and cries myself to sleep*

Hmmm. I wonder if I could add a scene like this to one of my projects to create some drama? Might just do so. I'm trying to learn to turn negative things into creative pieces of art or writing. It's kind of hard, but feels nice to get things out in a more productive way.

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I really wish I could stop waking up with a feeling like my head is stuffy from a cold. That's been happening practically every day since about May of 2020. Sometimes, I have a combination of muscle pain, dizziness, shivers, sniffles, and a sore throat with it.

Hmmm. Wonder if I'm getting up too fast and just wind up out of breath--with the rest being completely unrelated to that but to allergies and the amount of physical work I'd done recently? Guess I'll have to try getting up slowly and see if that helps.

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Finished the second book in the Circle of Ceridwen series. MUCH better than the first. Still not quite what I'm used to, but it held my interest well enough to make me wish to continue the series. I shall take the next few days to write 5k words, chapter 6 in Angel of the Shadows, an RP reply, and post. And then I shall start on "Aftermath: Life Debt" by Chuck Wendig.

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*yawns* 268 words in Forevermore. Not as much as I'd hoped to get written, but it's at least something. The scene's flowing really well, too. I'm just way too tired at the moment to continue. So hopefully, my Muse still wishes to cooperate with me tomorrow. Good night, everyone!

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So six hours of writing time wasted today lol.

First cause I spent four hours creating a Shiny Mega Hunt Tracker. I'll fix the Typhlosion tomorrow, and then go through and choose 10 to hunt next. I was thinking of going in order of favorite to least favorite, but I got to thinking that it's kind of like food. When dinner includes something I don't like, like beets, it's better to, instead of saving it for last, eat bites in between your favorite part and other parts of the meal. That way, you at least have something drowning out the taste. Confused? Basically, hunt least favorites in between everything else so I'm not totally bored out of my mind during those SM Hunts.

The last two hours were because I decided to put Angel of the Shadows on PokeHeroes as well as WattPad and AO3--mainly cause I got to thinking that many would prefer it on a site they know is safe and/or have an account with rather than create an account somewhere else. So I reworked my Angel of the Shadows Database, and at some point in the next two weeks, I'll create a thread for the Fan Fiction so you can follow it here. It all depends on when I can get 5k words done to put some energy into this. Approximately 4700 more to go.

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A major reason why I encourage people to get to know others in spite of the things said about them.

Several people on my list are those who said or did some inconsequential thing taken out of context and exploded beyond reasoning and are really swell people. One even randomly messages me asking how I'm doing, and it never ceases to surprise me because I've only had a few people over the years show that level of care.

Some from a situation two years ago, I hated for a year, and then realized how dumb I was being. Of those people, one is very kind and helpful to me. One still annoys me by their seemingly unnecessary usage of the word "moist", but they're actually a very helpful and sociable person. One doesn't talk to me often--probably cause of their DID--but they are always there when I need them.

There are also a few I'm wanting to reach out to. One person I disliked also wound up being a very helpful and outgoing person. Not to mention, she's quite talented at art. I believe I've found in her the first person I wish to commission for a piece for my Wildfyre. Just gotta wait for her commissions to open again.

Goes to show that things aren't always what they seem. Just because people associate with someone you hate, doesn't mean you should extend that hatred and distrust to them, too. Who someone chooses to have as their friends doesn't necessarily define who they are, because it could also just mean that the individual is a kind, open-hearted, open-minded person who chooses to see the good in others, rather than the bad. And that makes them worth the chance.

:O I've always said that I won't use preferred pronouns because I have a horrible memory. And yet, I just verified preferred pronouns before posting. I've...Never done that before. Seems these people mean a lot to me. So much so that I've deemed them worth a few extra seconds or minutes of my time. People you care about should always have the time made for them. I know I'm quite a selfish individual, but now that I have people to keep, I'm going to make more efforts to show people how much they mean to me while I still can.

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Iobit came out with a Screen Recorder program, which I've been using to film my party on PFQ to hopefully catch a Melan hatch. But I just realized that technically, I can do silent streams now. Though there are probably not many things people would watch without sound. So going to look into a mic.

Hmmm. That means if I research into Mobile recording programs, and art apps--cause I can never remember the art app names even though people have told me many times--and buy a stylus, I could also stream art!

*squeals and vibrates* Exciting stuff!

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If you needed more proof I'd be a bad mommy, here's this:

My brother came in about ten hours ago. Apparently, at that time, with dad's help, he decided to hide Aleu (my wolf plushie). It's almost bedtime, so I reached behind me to take her into my room and notice she's gone.

For giggles, dad decides to leave out the above part. Instead, encouraging my first thought that he'd put her out in the car when he went to prepare it for the trip to town tomorrow. So I walk out into the 30-degree weather--with no coat on, cause, dumb--and spend five minutes looking in the car to no avail.

Come back in, and he's just smiling. This is when he tells me he helped my brother hide it "in a spot I couldn't see". Found it within ten seconds based on that "hint".

TEN hours. It took that long for me to notice she was missing. From a spot I'd looked at dozens of times today. Which I kept questioning, knowing something was wrong, but not being able to place it.

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*sighs* Another day without writing. And tomorrow's not shaping up to be a good day, either. Dad and I have to go to town. And then, when we get back, we have to have a discussion with my mom and brother that's likely going to really make her super mad because she's going to take it the wrong way and throw a guilt-tripping pity-party like she usually does. So yeah...Anxiety at that already starting to become a problem. Hopefully, I have the time and desire to write at least 500 words tomorrow. On the plus side, I woke up this morning with something on my mind and tried to get the right words to say. But as the day went by, I thought on it less and less, and then completely forgot what it was I wanted to talk about. Sounds like it wasn't that important or beneficial if it's that easily forgotten.

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Title: 02-22-21

-That conversation with mom and brother took three hours and went much better than expected.
-Happened to find a set of Temperance Brennan books on eBay. Unsure if it was a 12 or 18-pack, as it wasn't very clear. But either way, $30 was a great price from everything I'd seen in the half-hour I looked.
-Got nothing written today, but dad helped me figure out what the third favor is that Anya will be asked to do and how it will provide drama to the scene.
-Came up with a lovely picture idea for the Sinfully Sweet cats on a cat tree. They're going to be portrayed acting as their sin. Like, Sloth and Glutton on the bottom, with Glutton reaching into the food bowl. Pride on top, Wrath not on at all cause the tree is full, Lust and Greed fighting over a toy kinda thing.
-Ordered my first commission! Paid 12.5M Credits for a piece of art of my Pokesona, Wildfyre! Super excited!
-Asked dad about a mic. Apparently, I have one built into the earphones that I haven't used since I got them. So going to have to find them and take a look-see. Think I know where they are.
-Accidentally got the wrong type of Stylus while at Walmart. Got a 5 pack for $8, and was supposed to get a 1 pack for $5-$8
-Realized it's been a little over three weeks of avoiding chaos. Or mostly lol. I failed three times, but that's still soooo much better than before. Really proud of all the effort I'm putting into this!

Here's hoping I can FINALLY get some writing done tomorrow. *crosses fingers*

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Update: The headphones I knew where they were were not the ones I was looking for. I had no clue where the one with the mic was, but while I was trying to find a couple of tools for dad that I'd misplaced, I found the one with the mic! So yay!

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Higher or Lower really ticked me off with its annoyingness. For most of the last 100 games I played, it wouldn't take me past round 6. And when it did, it still wanted to be a jerk by doing the >2 and <9 stuff. Still down by a LOT, but chose to stop at the last super win.

Logged in to PFQ to hatch a set of eggs before heading to write, and now I'm crying. The winners for the Dragon Type Race raffle were drawn, and I won the Albino Sikannos that I really wanted. And I'm just so very happy! This did so much to erase the hurt and stress of the last few days. My other prize was an Albino Gible, which has meaning to me because of the random Shiny Mega dad hatched from the Lab here back when he was active. Just...Ahh! *falls to knees cuddling my two new Pokemon*

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Woo! 247 words written! Hopefully, I get more done tomorrow. Spent too much time today on PFQ and at least two hours helping dad out around the house with various cleaning and construction. Oh! And at some point in the next week, I'll take a try at a stream or recording. Might even do that Sinfully Sweet cat picture or the cover for Forevermore.

Anyways...Good night! <3

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So. Update on the dry hand issue.

Softsoap brand still seems to irritate my hands tremendously. Dove, not so much, but still does. Cocoa Butter Lotion didn't work. Corn Husker's seems to have increased the problem to where I am developing cracks in the skin that can open and bleed if I do enough bending of the hand. And it now burns each time I wash my hands.

A quick bit of research says that I might be showing early signs of Dermatitis. I said I would go to the doctor a few weeks back when the dryness in between my fingers was causing such discomfort, but I didn't. Now that I'm having bleeding cracks, I'm going to call the doctor Monday and set up an appointment. Perhaps they can help me find something that works.

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Forgot to mention that yesterday, I was thoughting about the third favor Mikhail asks of Anya, and the ending came to me. The ending is the performance of a ritual. So, with that revelation, the plot for the three favors fell into place.
Favor One: Find and retrieve five items made of silver that represent Water, Fire, Earth, Air, and Soul/Spirit.
Favor Two: Find and retrieve two statues, one ebony, one ivory. Any design, so long as they symbolize light/dark.
Favor Three: Commit an act--any crime--that results in the loss of innocence.
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Walked to the Hardware store today. It's a block farther than the post office, but still around a mile round trip. Anyways. My lower back is in soooo much pain. Not only from the walk but from helping dad move really heavy stuff around the house yesterday AND shark week.

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