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SakuraWolf23's Starry Skies
Forum-Index → Diaries → SakuraWolf23's Starry Skies
Posted: Fri, 19/03/2021 02:03 (3 Years ago)
Dad asked for my help with something, and I forgot, so he went to do it himself. I noticed and came out to help, but even though he was out of breath, and struggling, he made it clear he would finish it because I hadn't gotten to it in time. Well. Technically, it was mom's fault cause she was supposed to have moved the items when she was done going through them. So, in tears, I went to her place, walked in, yelled at her for a minute, and then left. Not long after that, my brother came in and chewed me out.
I've...Never had my brother yell at me like that before. He's been pretty darn mad at me on multiple occasions, but this...This sent me into the worst panic attack I've ever had. I could barely breathe, and my words came out in stutters. Neither my brother nor dad seemed to care much, as they both felt I'd brought it upon myself. And apparently, one or both of them was under the impression that I was faking those actions for pity. But once I'd stopped the "justifications" and attempts to explain my point of view, everyone calmed down enough to have a mature conversation.
It's times like this that make me hate myself so badly. Like...I'm sorry I'm so dumb when it comes to social interactions. I hate the fact that it takes me so long to change my bad habits. I really wish I could just push a button and instantly be the person everyone wishes me to be. But I know deep down that, without the pain that comes with the lessons, I wouldn't actually learn anything.
Moments like this are horrible for my psyche. I always dwell on the incident for a long time. Dark thoughts enter my mind, and, for a while, I truly believe that people would be happier without me. I mean...Look at me. I'm 30. I have physical and mental handicaps that prevent me from getting most jobs. I live with my dad, with my mom and brother nearby. The only local friend I have, I rarely see. I've never had a non-online relationship. Never been on a date. Never done so many of the things that most people have done by the time they're 16. My life has been nothing but a pathetic waste. I can either do the hard thing and be resilient in my desire to make myself a better person. Or I can take the easy way out. Neither option is really appealing.
I'd like to say that, at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that I'm proud of the person I'm becoming. But that's not true. I shouldn't be proud of an inch of growth a day when I have a mile of the highway to travel. Being happy with such small achievements just proves how little I actually want to change my life. I shouldn't need the "epiphany" moment to happen. I should do everything in my power now to prevent so many problems and heartaches. But I'm scared. Though I have several friends, I have nobody who I feel truly understands me. And therefore, nobody, who can efficiently help me through this.
Was planning on stepping back from the internet for a while after the Type Race ends on PFQ. I'd still log in a couple of times a day. But, for at least two weeks, I wanna spend three hours on games instead of 12+. I want my life to have meaning. I won't find my purpose in life if I keep going like this. One day, I won't be going through this alone. But if I don't take care of me first, I'll always be the person that nobody wants. Not as a friend, and especially not as a partner.
Anyways...Gonna check my Shadows for the day and then throw myself into writing for the rest of the night.
Posted: Fri, 19/03/2021 05:15 (3 Years ago)
Posted: Fri, 19/03/2021 17:12 (3 Years ago)
Ahh! So worth 55 Gold Cones!
Mia Corvere, Melanism Carrier
Mister Kindly, Melanistic
Posted: Sat, 20/03/2021 05:59 (3 Years ago)
Posted: Sat, 20/03/2021 20:00 (3 Years ago)
Posted: Sun, 21/03/2021 01:35 (3 Years ago)
Title: Kitten Updates
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Cally.
I've made mention of how skittish and untrusting of us he is, even though it's been four months since we found him and his two siblings. Their mother was one of my cats, who, for some reason, thought it was safer to give birth outside, and we never found where she had the litter. They just randomly followed her here when they were about 7-9 weeks old. We actually had another female give birth around same time, so perhaps that was why?
Anyways...For the last three days now, he has stayed inside practically all day. He rarely runs from us. He willingly comes to us and demands attention for a few minutes. Sometimes even goes to sleep in our lap for half an hour.
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Porcupine.
He, like the other four kittens *knows* not to come into the dining room when we're eating. They all just plop down at the edge of the living room/dining room and watch us. Sometimes they still try to sneak on in, only to get squirted with our handy dandy spray bottle.
Recently, Porcupine has discovered that getting wet is worth it. If he sees a piece fall to the ground, he will run in, grab it, and run off, completely ignoring the 1-5 squirts we give him for disobeying.
I've made mention of how skittish and untrusting of us he is, even though it's been four months since we found him and his two siblings. Their mother was one of my cats, who, for some reason, thought it was safer to give birth outside, and we never found where she had the litter. They just randomly followed her here when they were about 7-9 weeks old. We actually had another female give birth around same time, so perhaps that was why?
Anyways...For the last three days now, he has stayed inside practically all day. He rarely runs from us. He willingly comes to us and demands attention for a few minutes. Sometimes even goes to sleep in our lap for half an hour.
*************************
Porcupine.
He, like the other four kittens *knows* not to come into the dining room when we're eating. They all just plop down at the edge of the living room/dining room and watch us. Sometimes they still try to sneak on in, only to get squirted with our handy dandy spray bottle.
Recently, Porcupine has discovered that getting wet is worth it. If he sees a piece fall to the ground, he will run in, grab it, and run off, completely ignoring the 1-5 squirts we give him for disobeying.
New Laser Light
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OMG! Finally got a new laser light,
and I am giggling and crying watching the different reactions.
Cally is just all "Whatever. I ain't chasing that."
Porcupine meows when it vanishes
Gray and Grayskull play with it like normal cats do
And Creamer!! Oh my gosh! Creamer is the most amusing, just going absolutely berserk trying to catch it. Even managed to make her run around in circles for thirty seconds.
Cally is just all "Whatever. I ain't chasing that."
Porcupine meows when it vanishes
Gray and Grayskull play with it like normal cats do
And Creamer!! Oh my gosh! Creamer is the most amusing, just going absolutely berserk trying to catch it. Even managed to make her run around in circles for thirty seconds.
Stray Kitten
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I heard loud meowing that sounded like
one of my cats was hurt. So I ran outside to check.
Nope. It's a gray or black baby kitten that looks like it's been lost and alone for a while. Tried to capture it. Even had it cornered, but it escaped into the orchard.
Went back outside with a bowl of food and meowed at it, but it had no interest. But it did only look like 5-10 weeks old. So I left a trail of food from the orchard to my doorstep.
It's not likely it will figure out its way through the cat door, but if I can let it know that my house is an available source of food, warmth, and safety, I might be able to lure it in in a couple of days.
Nope. It's a gray or black baby kitten that looks like it's been lost and alone for a while. Tried to capture it. Even had it cornered, but it escaped into the orchard.
Went back outside with a bowl of food and meowed at it, but it had no interest. But it did only look like 5-10 weeks old. So I left a trail of food from the orchard to my doorstep.
It's not likely it will figure out its way through the cat door, but if I can let it know that my house is an available source of food, warmth, and safety, I might be able to lure it in in a couple of days.
Waking up to Loki
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Such a lovely moment to wake up to
Loki beside my face, loudly purring at my ear, wanting me to rub my
fingers against his nose. As usual, I couldn't hold back a chuckle
at the act. Not sure if it's because I'm scratching an itch he
can't reach, or if that's "the spot", but it's so adorable.
Brownie
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Brownie! I'm not going to let you in
my lap anymore if you don't stop clawing at my hands and
interfering with my typing for attention. *sighs* Still love the
brat, though.
Reading with cats
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Ugh! Worst part about trying to read
with cats? I've been on the couch for an hour. Three cats on me,
and one snoring above my head. I need to get up to stretch and then
get ready for bed. But anyone with cats knows that their comfort
comes first. XD
Stuck in Tree
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Brrr. I'm freezing right now! Went
outside--with no jacket or gloves on--to shovel snow from our
walkways, and wound up standing under the tree for ten minutes
coaxing one of my cats down from halfway up the second biggest tree
in our yard. Silly kitty. Trees are for smart cats.
Angel's Box
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After some fighting, Angel has won possession of the box from the
others, and is now taking a much-deserved nap.
Wet Cat Food
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About a month ago, I bought a 30-pack
of wet cat food for $12. Every Saturday, I've given the cats two
containers of it. I wait till at least six of the seven are inside,
and then start opening the cans. And OMG. The cats come running and
meow so desperately for a couple of spoonfuls each of the yummy
treat. And it's so precious! *happy crying*
Posted: Sun, 21/03/2021 06:17 (3 Years ago)
In December, dad and I agreed upon no fanfics or roleplays. Dad wanted me to focus purely on things that could be published. At the beginning of February, we changed the agreement to roleplays and fanfics after every 5,000 words written in publishable pieces. But I'm beginning to wonder what I should do. I have so many stories to tell about my girls in the Star Wars 'verse, but several of them I wanna be arced. And I just don't have it in me to keep stressing out 2-3 weeks going by between responses.
The above could be easily remedied by pushing myself to do 5k words every two weeks. Or I could alternate weeks between Publishable and Fun. Or do Publishable, Publishable, Fun, Publishable. Either of the last two would put 50-75% of my focus on main projects AND relieve the mental stress.
I'll bring this up to dad tomorrow. He knows I want to do it all. We just gotta find a balance that shows him I'm not wasting my time, energy, and future.
Posted: Mon, 22/03/2021 05:41 (3 Years ago)
Oop. Went to change Mister Kindly's eyes to Indigo, but didn't realize I couldn't customize a Breeding Male once it was set up for stud. Guess all these Applicators and stuff I get from the Lunar Event, I'll save up for a future stud.
Posted: Tue, 23/03/2021 06:22 (3 Years ago)
$60 left of my birthday money. Going to try and make it last for at least a few months. Hopefully, I'll still have like $20 in December to spend on desperate wants, like those above two books. Would bring my collection to 5 books totaling 21 stories relating to Drizzt Do'Urden.
Posted: Tue, 23/03/2021 18:00 (3 Years ago)
I just had to permanently remove someone from my friend list for being excessively cruel and hateful to another person. NOTHING warrants an all-out attack on someone else. I've been on both the giving and receiving end of such hate before, and I know firsthand how both can utterly destroy you.
In all honesty, I should have kept said person out of my life after they upset me with an intolerant statement regarding one of the main coping mechanisms for people with anxiety. But now that I know what kind of person they truly are, I don't see myself ever letting them back in.
Posted: Wed, 24/03/2021 02:08 (3 Years ago)
Waiting for one book to come in (which is four novellas to the Temperance Brennan series), and then I'm gonna take some new pictures of my shelves. ^.^
Posted: Wed, 24/03/2021 05:21 (3 Years ago)
Still haven't done much of anything for exercises since I last said I would start doing them again. But that's 'cause too many things fell onto my plate at that point, and it's so difficult to get enough spoons to do a few things a day. The weather is finally starting to get warmer, which means I'll be doing 1-2 walks around the block each day.
On the plus side, I've been feeling so much better. Things haven't been bothering me as much, and I'm not instantly jumping to the worst conclusions at people's tones. That's prob only a temp thing cause being very easily upset is just a part of me that I can't change. Yet. One day, the right person will be able to help with that. Whether they be a friend or more.
Anyways...Good night, everyone! May the Force serve you well! <3 ^.^
Posted: Wed, 24/03/2021 21:56 (3 Years ago)
I came home with four more to add to my already full list of things to do lmao To-Do List
Posted: Thu, 25/03/2021 01:55 (3 Years ago)
Going to spend a few minutes getting caught up on games, and then go back to 31 Spooktacular Short Stories. Maybe now that the character took the story in a different direction, I might get to finally check off the first of 31 short stories. And only 2300 more words to write before I can do the roleplays and the next chapter of Angel of the Shadows. ^.^
Posted: Fri, 26/03/2021 05:14 (3 Years ago)
My brother took me to town to buy a bunch of DVDs that I found for sale. Very nice condition. Little over 200 of them for $300. And there were 109 of them I wanted to keep, so money well spent. Oh. Not to mention that most of 'em were Bluray.
Notables:
Harry Potter 2-8
Twilight 2-4
15 Marvel/DC
The Hobbit Trilogy
The Lord of the Rings gorgeous boxed special edition sets
Star Wars 4-6 boxed trilogy
Star Wars 1-3
Avatar
The Hunger Games
Posted: Sat, 27/03/2021 23:00 (3 Years ago)
!
Posted: Sun, 28/03/2021 03:29 (3 Years ago)
Downloaded PaperColor and Ibis today and attempted to draw with my new stylus and glove. But ran into the issue of my hand activating the zoom, which I know it's not supposed to. I'll spend some more time figuring that problem out tomorrow, but hopefully, I can soon delve into this new experience!
Welp. Gonna get some writing in now! Hopefully, I can reach my goal of 5k soon cause I really wanna work on chapter six of Angel of the Shadows.
Posted: Sun, 28/03/2021 16:44 (3 Years ago)
As I only have $33 of birthday money left, I'd rather keep ahold of that just in case I find something I desperately want.
I do still need to learn the ins and outs of a program, so I'm not going to use this as an excuse to put this off yet again. It shouldn't be that hard to transition when I finally get a decent glove, so for now, I guess I'll just practice with my hand above the screen.
Oh! Not related, but I just realized I actually only have 600 more words to write--instead of the 2500 or so I thought--before I can work on the next chapter of Angel of the Shadows. So that might actually be up by the end of the week! ^.^
Posted: Mon, 29/03/2021 05:33 (3 Years ago)
Will get the last 500 words written tomorrow, then rewrite chapter five of Angel of the Shadows, as I thought of a better path to take. Not to mention that I honestly feel upon rereading it that it was kind of rushed. Once that's done, will write the sixth chapter, make a few roleplay replies, and then start the word count goal over again.
Also. Thank you to everyone for being so supportive and encouraging of me. I know I used to constantly talk about all the things I'd accomplish, but kept getting hardly anything done. Without your belief in me and the fact that I could become the person I saw I was meant to be, I don't think I would've kept pushing forward. Especially if I hadn't received any of the amazing support over the last few months.
Which, thank you as well to all of you who saw the real me and stayed by my side. I should've been focused on you all along, and I caused myself more pain than necessary by dwelling on the negatives. But I decided that I desperately needed a positive mindset. I've said it before, but I mean it now. From now on, every time I see something that hurts, I'll think of something that makes me happy. Eventually, I truly will be enlightened.
This is my year! I know it! I can feel it! So much positivity from it already. Nothing worth doing ever comes easy, though. So I just gotta keep working hard and putting the pedal to the mettle if I want to achieve any of my major goals by the end of the year. People, even family, keep doubting my ability to succeed. I'll prove them wrong!
Posted: Mon, 29/03/2021 21:33 (3 Years ago)
You know...I've never before seen the world band together so adamantly about something before. That should be enough of a clue to realize that, however much we try to deny it, we have an actual, legitimate problem that needs to be addressed. I might not be able to do much to help, but I'll find something. Doing anything is better than nothing.
The other part of me feels: If only the world could speak as one like this over other things, the world would already be a much better place. Hopefully, I get to see such passion for change again before my time is up.
Ahh! Befriended my first Rarity 1!
