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SakuraWolf23's Mysterious Hellscape
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Posted: Mon, 05/05/2025 17:17 (2 Months ago)
*sighs* According to mom's biopsy results, she is positive for
Moderately differentiated malignant neoplasm; favor metastatic HPV associated squamous cell carcinoma
AND
The differential diagnosis would also include mucoepidermoid
carcinoma.
My paranoia is back because the second one is cancer in the salivary glands, which can start in the parotid gland. And I had two cysts in my right parotid gland just a few weeks ago. Swelling seems to have gone down, though.
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Posted: Mon, 05/05/2025 23:35 (2 Months ago)
Multiple Health Updates:
Mom is waiting on a referral to go through, and then she will be heading to Spokane for surgery to remove the mass in her neck. Hopefully, her cancers were caught early enough for her for surgery to work on its own.
As for me. During dad's appointment today, because of my mom, we asked about my parotid gland. The doctor said not to worry since my previous issue had no pain, and was just cysts alone. If it reswelled and hurt, THEN we can worry.
And dad...I haven't posted about it yet because it wasn't that concerning. But two days after he got out of the hospital, he developed a rash on his feet and lower legs. We went to the doctor later that day and were informed it was likely a minor allergic reaction to something and that it would clear up with Benadryl or other Antihistamines.
Today, five days after that, we went back for the hospital follow-up, and to discuss the rash (which I think looks better because it's not as inflamed, but dad thinks looks worse because it's more freckled). The doctor played with it a bit and then sent pictures to Dad's Oncologist.
She seems to think it's Vasculitis caused by Cancer. Whereas both dad and I believe it's Vasculitis brought on by Carvedilol (which he began the day before he was released from the hospital). If it is Carvedilol, he will have to be switched back to Losartan. We will likely know more after we meet with the Oncologist tomorrow.
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Posted: Tue, 06/05/2025 00:35 (2 Months ago)
Five Days Ago
Me: *during a conversation about how my future will be* You know. I don't think the problem is that I fear being alone. Even if I don't feel confident in myself, others do, so I feel I'll be okay. I think it's more the realization that you won't be here much longer. And I wish I had more time with you. The thought of you not being around... *starts crying*
Dad: I'm the one dying, and it's not really affecting me. But when I think about you, or mom, or... *trails off and starts crying as well*
><><><><><
Two days ago - Beginning of our rewatch of House MD
"Look, I realize it's tough to break bad news to families."
"Not as tough as hearing it."
"And I guess being the poor guy dying is the toughest of all?"
"No. It's easier to die than to watch someone die."
Me: *silently starts crying again*
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Posted: Wed, 07/05/2025 19:45 (2 Months ago)
Just mowed the yard for the first time since my heart surgery!
Before:
Halfway through, heart pounding, sweating, dizzy, nauseous, shaking, panting heavily.
Today:
Got 85% before the batteries in the lawnmower died. No pounding of heart, mild sweating, no dizziness, no nausea, no shaking, slight difficulty breathing.
OMFG! I'm crying again. The difference is so amazing! I never should have let this go as "normal" for so long.
I owe the surgery (and likely my life) to dad, too! If it wasn't for five weeks ago, when I called him after a half-mile walk to let him know my heart rate was 180, and he told me to stay put and that he would get me. He has heart problems of his own, and he told me he was worried I would die before him, because, as an otherwise healthy young adult, I shouldn't have that high of a heart rate.
After learning how scared he was, I contacted my cardiologist that day and scheduled the appointment. I wish I had brought this to my doctor's attention 8+ years ago instead of just three. They might have been able to find dad's SVT and Afib earlier. Before getting Covid and Cancer in 2020 took all his energy from him. Maybe he'd still have better mobility and strength now. Maybe he wouldn't need to be on Oxygen 24/7...
*sighs* Could've, Should've, Would've. All we can do now is make the most of the time we have left.
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Posted: Mon, 12/05/2025 16:20 (2 Months ago)
*whimpers* Can I PLEASE not deal with a kidney stone right now?
I'm still in pain from dismantling and removing dad's old bed from his room on Friday. Today, I get to remove the mattresses from there, drag them all the way outside in back to the van. Then go into the guest room, dismantle the bed in there, and re...mantle? it in his room.
Why am I sleeping in his room after years of finally sleeping alone? Because he's still recovering from the hospital, and he'd rather I be in the room where I can hear him. He does have a remote-controlled alarm, but there's always the chance it could fall down beside the bed. It's just best and safest for me to be with him for now.
Then I've still got to clean up the weeds around the house, get the first load packed and ready for our move. I'm trying not to do much, but can't really help it when there's a lot that needs to be done. Thankfully, this load is just a bed, some shelving, and the security system. I have all summer to get everything packed.
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Posted: Fri, 16/05/2025 05:14 (2 Months ago)
Posted: Sun, 18/05/2025 02:04 (2 Months ago)
I was sitting doing the Shadow Radar and thinking about how I was going to rewrite the chapter of Angel of the Shadows. I couldn’t remember if I’d changed the names of two of the antagonists (Mally and Iggy) and was considering leaving them as they were.
But then I got to thinking. I was made to hate my previous usernames (Wildfyre and FireWolf), and that it wouldn’t be right of me to make someone else hate their gaming tag just because I hated them. I also realized that that would make me hating the person, and though I’m not a Christian, I firmly believe in “Hate the sin, Love the Sinner”. So from now on, all references to people I hate will be in personality only.
I can write you as an enemy I can stand up against. A nemesis I fight with often. Someone who eventually sees the error of their ways. And in the end, someone I can forgive. Even if you’re none of those things. Even if you’re not worthy of my forgiveness. Because I’d much rather attack you in a way that doesn’t hurt you as an individual. That doesn’t make you wish you weren’t alive. That doesn’t make you feel any of the emotions I’ve felt from being attacked. Or whatever word you want to use that justifies your actions against me.
I know people haven’t spoken about me in a while aside from the private incident on Facebook that got dragged into the public. And I know because of that silence, this is kind of me stirring the pot. But it’s not meant to be problematic at all. This is more me realizing I was doing something wrong and taking steps to change it. To be a better person.
And I’m sorry
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Posted: Mon, 19/05/2025 20:24 (2 Months ago)
So, I found my Wolf Hat, which I lost at the end of February. It was in a spot I knew I'd looked several times. My guess is I'm not supposed to wash it, as it looked so completely different from what it did when I originally bought it, that those minor differences were likely why I overlooked it.
I brought it out to dad, crying because it wasn't soft anymore, looked yucky, and no longer had any fluff in its cheeks.
Dad: Have you brushed it?
Me: Huh?
Dad: *holds out hand, takes a brush to it a few times, and hands it back*
Me: *the specific spot feels and looks as I remember* :O
Me: Can I do this with blankets that have lost their softness, too?
Dad: Yes. *seems shocked I didn't know this*
Note that this was also about twenty minutes after a conversation about how, although my plants aren't sentient enough to understand me, they do, in fact, react to my soft tone telling them how pretty they look and how well they bounced back from forgetting to water them while I was in a lot of pain. Like, practically hours after I watered them, they were perking up. And that some plants actually prefer metal/rock music. I've heard this before, but never actually believed it. But, now...
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Posted: Tue, 20/05/2025 05:23 (2 Months ago)
*yawns* After a day of:
Half an hour of weeding, a thirty-minute doctor visit for dad, an hour spent filling out paperwork we got in the mail from Social Security for dad, a roleplay reply made, and then two hours of streaming, this little wolfcat is heading to bed.
And sadly, making a dentist appointment tomorrow (because it's been several years, and I'm now having problems with my teeth, and I HATE the dentist SO MUCH). Wait. UGH. We have to go to town tomorrow to pick up my new ADHD meds, and two meds for dad. So there's a couple hours not being able to do anything.
Oh, well. Will try to find the time to pack three boxes and write some more for my Dreams of Darkness project.
Oh! I also finally watched another episode of The Mandalorian today, S2E15. I don't really like how they ended that, because I feel they could have used a man like him.
Good night! May the Force serve you well!
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Posted: Wed, 21/05/2025 03:41 (1 Month ago)
Lmfao.
A month ago, I told my ADHD Doctor about my Wolff-Parkinson-White and that I'd be getting surgery for it. I informed him I took Zoloft and Hydroxyzine for Depression and Anxiety.
The doctor initially prescribed me one med, and then changed it to Clonidine after he "thought more" about its interactions with the heart. I looked up the side effects and found that it could lower blood pressure. I hadn't told him that I had naturally low blood pressure. But why would you even think of telling a Behavioral Therapist about that?
When I brought it up to him in MyChart, it took about a week to get a response, and then another two weeks for him to contact my PCP to discuss my chart with her and my Cardiologist to see what could be prescribed.
So, a month after my first appointment (today), I picked up Vyvanse for my ADHD. As usual, I checked the side effects.
"To make sure this medicine is safe for you, tell your doctor if you or anyone in your family has ever had: Depression, mental illness, bipolar disorder, psychosis, or suicidal thoughts or actions."
Okay. I'm pretty certain Zoloft is used for Depression. And I know I brought up Depression, psychosis, and suicidal thoughts during my intake session. AND that several people in my family had Depression.
*googles Can I take Vyvanse with Zoloft? and finds article that speaks of 7 Medication types NOT to be taken with Vyvanse*
"Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) [...] are used to treat a wide variety of mental health conditions like depression, anxiety,[...]. Examples of SSRIs include ZOLOFT!"
I am well aware that doctors weigh the risks and benefits when prescribing medications. But I also know that doctors CAN and DO make mistakes.
So, dad's advice right now is...
Based on the wrongly prescribed medication the first time (unintentional and can be overlooked due to it not entirely being his mistake), the length of time it took to get things sorted, and the fact that Vyvanse is clearly stated NOT to be taken with Zoloft due to a risk of Serotonin Syndrome...
That I not take this medication either. He said he would go with me to the next appointment to "have at" the doctor because he knows how non-confrontational I am. Even if I did have the courage to bring it up myself, I wouldn't argue it to the extent that dad would. I'd get too anxious, worked up, and agree just to move on.
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Posted: Thu, 22/05/2025 04:10 (1 Month ago)
I'm looking to sell some of my OCs/Art. I lost connection with them, never fully connected with them, or always intended to sell them (the ones by me). They're all for the price I paid for them or, when it comes to my art/fills, what I thought they should go for.
ToyHouse
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Posted: Thu, 29/05/2025 20:58 (1 Month ago)
Okay, so the dentist checkup is done. He said my teeth looked very good for not getting a checkup in 7+ years.
I have five cavities. Two or three of them are on teeth with prior restoration just underneath the filling. This means that the previous filling will be removed and a new filling placed. The teeth getting the secondary restoration will be watched for fractures and later receive crowns.
It's a good thing I chose NOW to go in due to sensitivity to cold on two of the teeth. One had a cavity approaching the center of the tooth where the nerves are. This minor pain could have become waaaay more severe if I'd waited.
Tomorrow, I get to call to schedule appointments in July. One will consist of a cleaning, one for one to two cavity fillings, and one for a consultation for braces (I've actually wanted braces for years, but a mix of self-consciousness and hating the dentist kept me from doing it).
Sadly, Molina doesn't cover Adult Braces. Google says the average price is $3k-$15k. Based on the parts the dentist said would need to be fixed, dad is expecting the lower side. But the quote from the consultation will determine if we actually go through with getting braces or not.
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Posted: Sat, 31/05/2025 16:49 (1 Month ago)
[Gaming - PokeFarm Q]
Rant
-_- Yet ANOTHER First on Site Melan gotten by one individual. How in the world does this person always have so much GP? I've got 44k, and that was from my dad and me saving for several months.
WHY do they insist on trying so hard EVERY TIME? I would try only for FoS Melans of ones I found insanely cute. NOT for EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKING. NEW. RELEASE. Especially when you have insane luck with specials.
Don't even start on me getting so many FoS Hoenn Shadows. Even though they're all a matter of RNG, in my opinion, it's different. Yeah. If there's a Legend/Starter, I won't take a break until I catch it. But it's by far more of an equal opportunity for the community than Melans or Shiny Megas.
I hate the FoS Melan Obtaining by one person as much as the Spriters claiming FoS of the Pokémon they created. Yes. They deserve a Shiny. But the community deserves the fun of the competitive race to see who gets the FoS.
Seriously, though? Give others a chance!!!
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Posted: Mon, 02/06/2025 15:46 (1 Month ago)
...
Dad pings me into the bedroom. I go in there, and he's breathing super heavily. He asks me to hand him his oxygen. Since he usually has it on all night (and during the day only when out and about or otherwise active), I asked him why he wasn't wearing it.
He told me he went to the bathroom (I didn't know) and that he'd planned on getting up (I remember that; apparently, he decided he wanted more time in bed). Here's the kicker.
Dad then started complaining about how I made him unload all the boxes of flooring into the trailer, and crawl around under the vehicle to fix something.
I'm just standing there like O.O. Obviously, I'd never do that, but my point is...
You seriously freaking got your body worked up over a dream? Lmfao. You should probably try not to follow through to the end on most workout dreams.
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Posted: Thu, 05/06/2025 05:38 (1 Month ago)
My 100th Shadow of Hoenn is Seviper! I was hoping for Spinda, but I like Seviper, so it's okay. 55 more to go! 9 Legends and 5 Starters. Not looking forward to the days to weeks without a new one, though. -_-
Johto was Unown I, and Kanto was Aerodactyl.
And I swear. I'll get to continuing Angel of the Shadows. Just in the process of doing A LOT of work to pack things, tidy up the house, and other real-life priorities before our move. Not to mention dealing with both parents having cancer.
Then learning that dad might ALSO have to have chemo and radiation if this current treatment of his continues not to shrink the mass in his neck. And now I'm worried cause remember. If no treatment works, it shortens his life from 3-5 years to 6 months-2 years.
I don't understand why all this is happening to me. I wish I could have some good news and happiness for once.
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Posted: Fri, 06/06/2025 00:42 (1 Month ago)
It's been many years since dad made his grilled cheese sandwiches, so I thought I'd try making them myself. Y'all are probably thinking "whoopdee. It's not that difficult."
Okay. So first, I made them what dad calls "the right way" (though I technically did it wrong XD).
First, I toasted the bread in a frying pan and then added butter and garlic pepper. Apparently, I was supposed to add butter and cinnamon and melt 'em WHILE toasting the bread. And according to him, I wasn't toasting them enough to get truly toasted because I was nervous of burning them.
Second. I cut enough block cheese to add 1 1/2 slices per sandwich. Dad came in about that time, and "saved" the meal by cutting and adding enough slices for 1 1/2 pieces PER piece. He took over then, closed them all up, and toasted the sandwiches just a bit longer for the cheese to melt.
Third. We cut them diagonally and ate each bite after dipping it into tomato soup. ^.^
Dad says it tasted surprisingly good for the mix-up in steps, but that it was better with cinnamon. I told him I thought I did very well remembering the steps (albeit out of order) since it had been so long. And that I was glad I'd done it without asking him for help.
Of course, that got a response of "Not asking is why you mess up so many things." Welp. Sorry. But you won't always be around to supervise me. And I have to learn how to do things myself. Even if it winds up being a strange way that works for me. So long as I'm no longer co-dependent, I'm glad! ^.^
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Posted: Fri, 06/06/2025 16:28 (1 Month ago)
Soooo....My brother messaged me regarding mom's consultation yesterday.
They went over her scans and everything and established that, although she is not terminal, her cancer is NOT curable. They are discussing with a Tumor board to see if they can get some more biopsies done (don't really know why they've needed so many) because the area they want to do now is close to some major blood vessels.
My mom had told me she was also going to have a chemo port put in, so I expected, like, daily chemotherapy or something for 6-8 weeks. According to my brother, she will be receiving treatment for the rest of her life. The doctor said he had another patient who's been on treatment for five years now, and is currently cancer-free, but he's scared that if he stops treatment on them, the cancer will come back.
I'm trying so very hard not to freak out, but I'm crying right now. It was bad enough knowing that my time with dad is guaranteed to be cut short. But now knowing that I might not have as much time left with my mom either? I can't. I just freaking can't.
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Posted: Sat, 14/06/2025 04:54 (1 Month ago)
Lmfao. Why is it that when several people hate someone for doing something, it's okay?
But when I mention that I hate the same person for the same reason, I'm suddenly a whiny witch?
If you're going to call me out for voicing my opinion, call out the others doing the same thing!
In my mind, calling out only me is harassment.
On the other hand, I'm glad something was said about me.
This poor widdle wolfcat was feeling forgotten. :'(
Not that I want you to attack me, but damn.
This September makes FIVE YEARS.
MOVE THE HELL ON ALREADY!
Like seriously? Both parents have cancer. One is terminal. One is incurable.
Most of my day is spent packing for our move, taking care of rl priorities as spoons allow, and caring for dad.
Pretty soon, I'll also be taking care of my mom while she's going through chemo/radiation treatments.
I STILL have to deal with how dad handles me, and I hardly have time to write or game/stream anymore.
Don't think I don't know what you're secretly thinking.
That everything happening to me is punishment for my past actions and beliefs.
If you genuinely believe that, then why do you keep saying things to hurt me more?
Why don't you just sit back and enjoy the negative things continuing to happen to me?
You don't need to rub salt in the wound and make me feel worse about myself.
I can't tell you how many times I've seriously contemplated kms over the last two months.
How many times I cry myself to sleep, think I'm unworthy of love, that people are friends with me out of pity.
Please just stop.
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Posted: Sat, 14/06/2025 06:42 (1 Month ago)
Dad: *calls me into the bedroom* The next time you go to the store, can you get me Fudgsicles? It's been a while, and I want some.
Me: We've got some Moose Track Ice Cream Sandwiches. Do those count?
Dad: No. I want Fudgsicles. But I'll take one of those.
Me: No. It's 11.30.
Dad: *holds out hand like he's holding up a card*
Me: Are you seriously playing the Cancer card?
Dad: *like Stitch* Yes.
Me: *rolls eyes and gets him one*
Dad: Why you no get one?
Me: Because I don't have Cancer.
Dad: *looks at sandwich, looks at me, holds out hand* Want to borrow my card?
Me: Ooh. *smiles, takes, hands back, and walks out to get my own sandwich*
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