Forum Thread

Last week, a cold wind blew in from the north, bringing with it the promise of a blizzard and howling winds. Even though I remained indifferent to the prospect, my brother Calverus's face was alight with joy at the prospect of playing in the snow, and he badgered me incessantly to go outside when it did. So, our time was filled with the usual can-we please, the buts, and you promised we would, echoing all around the house like cries from baby robins. It was annoying but it was beautiful too, in that strange way that one can find their baby brothers to be both lovable and irritating in one breath. I was not one for winters - I had never been fond of cold weather and I would have to shovel out the entrance in order to even get outside - but a promise made in our family was kept. That was our first rule.

It was going to be a while before Cal got back from school. Rickety floorboards creaking underneath my feet, I peeled open the cabinets, flung open the doors and went up and down a flight of stairs several times to get some stationary. With every step, I could hear the moan and creak of floorboards ten times its years, always on the verge of falling apart. With each pass through the kitchen, I was reminded of the larder, which would always need stocking. I tried to ignore the sting, but a deep ache settled anyway.

It didn't matter that we couldn't afford much more, not when a low income meant that we lived a hand-to-mouth existence. Empty pantries and empty stomachs were a staple here. All we had was what I was going to put on the table through what money I earned. District Twelve was impoverished at best, and inhospitable at worst. The sons of a Seam miner who had long passed, we had few amenities and privileges. There were many nights in which we went to bed with growling stomachs and sunken cheekbones. What we had, we had to ration. We had to make it last, especially since food was always scarce. With wintertime on the horizon, the game that I snared in the woods would be leaner than usual.

Was it legal? Absolutely not.

Was it necessary? Yes.

I refused to accept any other alternative. My brother had to eat. My brother, who lost his baby fat before the age of five. My brother who sucked on the marrow of rabbit bones after we devoured the meat. My brother, who had the gentle eyes and brilliant laugh of a mother he was too young to even remember.

My brother had to eat. And for that reason, I was at the table, pen in hand, gazing without really seeing at the paper below me. Cold lines ingrained themselves into my vision. A simple form, with a slip for my name, district, and home address. One basket of grain in exchange for another slip in the bowl. Again and again and again. Only I was to take out tesserae, and not my brother. I kept telling myself that he knew nothing of this, that the grain I brought back could be disguised as a woodland offering. So far, it was working.

The creak of the door made me jump, and in the sudden startlement, I promptly froze. Crap, he's back already? Surely, it was another few hours? No, it was too early! The wood creaked again.

"Cyrus? Cyrus, I'm home!" My brother singsonged, lively, cheerful.

Time was short. Turning instinctively to my left, I ripped open the drawer with a screech that echoed through the house in a discordant note and crammed the form inside, thoroughly crinkling it in the process. To say I barely made it was a gross understatement. I turned from my desk when Cal leapt towards me, questions pouring forth from his lips. "What - what was that? Hey!" A short scuffle ensued, more with words than actual actions.

"Cal, it's nothing. I'm surprised you’re back by now."

Yeah, it's mighty surprising eh? You never even saw me coming. Maybe I could be a hunter." He paused, robin-egg-blue eyes, my mother's eyes, still fixated on me.

"Me take you hunting…Hah, dream on. You’d probably freak out at the arrow itself and run all the way back home.” Never mind the fact that I only knew how to set a snare.

Calverus expressed his opinion of my statement with an eye-roll. “Just lemme see it already!”

"An' I'm telling you it's nothing. None of your business." He advanced towards me intent on cracking the drawer open to see what I had so hurriedly stuffed inside. Thud went my footsteps as I made the mistake of moving in front, blocking it with my body. Even at the tender age of fourteen, I still outweighed Cal in height by at least three inches.

However, if Cal was bothered by this, he didn't show it. "If it's nothing, then why are you blocking it. Come on—" A soft whine pressed at the edge of his words. "You can tell me. Whatever it is, however horrible it is, you can tell me." He gasped dramatically, as if he had uncovered some great and dreadful secret. "Oh, are you passing notes in class? Do you have a crush, Cyrus is that it?" A big smile cracked across his face and he burst out laughing, silly and uncontrolled.

I immediately pursed my lips, huffing. "No." I said bluntly, "It's not ... I don't have a crush — Calverus!"

"Cyrus has a cru-ush —what?"

Calverus danced on his toes, his face still flushed from the outdoor cold. Not used to being called by his full name unless I was to scold him, he hushed immediately, a petulant scowl playing on his lips. The sight was rather amusing, but I stifled a grin. Not only would it give Cal the wrong impression, but it would give my brother a chance to open the drawer. My sigh dragged through the silence, and with each passing moment, my ire grew. Usually, my brother coming home was a good thing, but with each word, the words on the form stared harder into my eyes. Shadows lingered on my brother’s face, sallow from hunger. Could I tell him? I mean it’s not like he didn’t know. A flicker of doubt blossomed in my chest, fragile as a seedling. I could sneak it out when he was asleep, make up some version of a stupid excuse for my absence. If I spun it good enough, he wouldn’t even ask questions.

Maybe the story that I had a crush wasn’t a bad idea after all, even though I rarely attended school.

Maybe I could say that I got into some trouble with the Peacekeepers. Anything to keep Cal from asking questions. Keep no secrets from each other. Rule number two.

Was it possible to keep a promise without keeping secrets as well?

"Cyrus, come on-just tell me already—"

"Stop it right now!" I said, finally losing the grip on my temper, "This isn't funny, at all, Calverus, and you know it. When I say stop, you stop, understand?"

The moment the words were out, I regretted them. My brother winced at the harsh words I uttered, lowering his head with a whine. His shoulders bent inwards and his eyes scrunched shut briefly. There was no crying, but I felt guilty enough without it. Fabric crinkled under my hand, and the clock ticked on. For a few moments, that was the only sound. And as the silence grew brittle, I could hear my thoughts racing in the silence. A harsh wind swept the grounds outside, An idea began to take shape in my mind, improbable and vague. There was no guarantee that it would work, but in a life that was surrounded by deficit and death, a slim chance of success was better than none. In this life, inaction led to death. One who falls asleep in the snow sleeps for a hundred years.

I reached for his shoulder, a normally comforting gesture, but he abruptly jerked away. “Stop it!”

“I- Cal...” My eyes turned back to the barren landscape outside, and the woods beyond, the trees that concealed a fruitful bounty. In the sky, clouds swelled with rain, full to bursting and hanging low, as if weighed down by their burden. And still, my brother wouldn’t look at my face, not directly. His eyes remained fixated on the streets beyond, somber and gray. Miners trekked past, their hands weathered and aged, black with coal.

District Twelve. Where you can starve to death in safety.

“It was supposed to snow today.” Calverus mumbled, his voice just loud enough for me to hear him. I almost asked him to repeat himself had it not been for the lonely warble in his voice. He’s just your little brother. He didn't mean it. Shame burned hot and low in my gut, eating away at me like a living animal. He didn't mean it.

I made sure to take two steps back before trying to speak again. Calverus was not timid per sé, but any sort of shouting on my part spooked him. "It will tomorrow." I said carefully, minding my tone more this time. I didn't want Cal to be suspicious, not for this, "Let's get your homework done- so tomorrow we can go out early before school starts and play a bit." I could see him opening his mouth to complain again, and I sidestepped the argument before it began. "Get it done, and I'll see if I have a little somethin' around the house. An apple?" I needed time to think.

"I was trying to tell you earlier. I finished it already."

"Oh." So much for that tactic. "Well, go do your bed. I'll fetch something anyway."

"Now? But-"

"Now, Calverus. I'm serious. And maybe I'll show you what I was hiding. No promises."

Cal's pace was slower than usual, and his eyes lingered on mine before he disappeared. As if he suspected. As if he knew. But the moment passed like the flap of a butterfly wing.

The door slammed, leaving me alone in the silence.



“No, no, no, no, no.” Gripping a tree, white with the promised snow from yesterday, I tried to keep from shaking. Not just from hunger, but from the sight in front of me.

The snares I set just yesterday were empty. All of them.

Only a little bit of rabbit fluff indicated that there had been any activity at all. Armed with only a small blade I was supposed to use to cut vegetables, I scanned the snow for footprints. Give me a sign here, please. Anything would be welcome at this point, anything to account for my disappearance and put off the form for tesserae.

How could it have been that no animal visited this place at all? No rodent, no squirrel, not a hare to be seen. What were we going to do? My thoughts raced, becoming increasingly hopeless. What were we going to eat? Going back wasn’t an option either. There was no chance for me to sneak out again, not after this. I had to find food, or a really good excuse for sneaking away. In the background, a steady thump thump echoed - Calverus throwing snowballs. I hoped he was having a good time.

There was no other chance for food. Last year was lucky - I hadn’t needed to bring back tesserae. What little dried jerky we had was already eaten. If my snares yielded nothing, then I would have no choice but to pay another visit back into town. Sign the form again, or get a new one.

Go to town, sign the form, and drag the wagon back all before Cornetin got suspicious and really started asking questions. Easier said than done.

“Cyrus?” Calverus was calling my name again. “Quit your brooding and come o’er here! I built a snowman, wanna see?”

“I’ll be a moment.” I called, starting to make my way back. Crunch crunch crunch went the snow. “I hope it’s all big and nice!”

“It sure is! Kinda fat actually! I never seen anything that’s fat before. ”

Course you haven’t. I sighed through my nose, stifling a small sigh. The tesserae would wait until tomorrow, again. Cal would only stop asking questions if I looked at his snowman, that’s how children were. Just til tomorrow. Cyrus was beaming proudly next to the grossly disproportional snowman cat he’d constructed, big in the waist and small in the head.

And who knows, maybe my snares would yield something. Winter was just beginning after all.

But even then, I wished I could tell him.

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