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Filip's diary.
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Posted: Sun, 30/08/2015 22:59 (9 Years ago)
Uh.. I wasn't wroliting here for a long time..
So.. um..
Few days ago my dad came back \o/
And today.. eh.. I was just again fighting with Kye..
I really want to show her how much I love her, to tell her how I feel, but.. I don't know how..
And.. I wish I wouldn't be an .. I wish I could know how to make her happy.. maybe one day I will find out how to do it, but.. at this moment I don't know..
And.. I again feel that feeling.. I'm scared that I will cut again.. I've cut myself few times, but nobody knows about that..
and I don't remember what I was doing today.. and yesterday.. I just.. don't know.. I guess I will forget a lot soon.. like.. most of my life..
So.. that's all for today.. Bye my diary, see you soon..
Posted: Sun, 20/09/2015 20:09 (9 Years ago)
Yeah, I again wasn't writing for a long time, sorry..
So.. school started, friends are kinda trying to get to know me closer.. once they saw my cuts, but.. I'm too scared to ask one of them to promise to never tell anyone about them..
And new girl came to our class.. she looks kinda beautiful, but I don't really want to be her friend.. I just.. want to be alone.
And.. I think I will cut tonight.. few days ago I just curled up on bed and started crying.. my mom says that I was really scared, I was barely moving.. I don't remember that.. I barely remember anything..
And.. I just want someone to be here, with me.. I want to tell that person my problems, but.. I'm always alone.. last thing I remember is that.. that I was happy..
I hope that nobody can read that.. if you are reading it, please, stop.. it's about me, and.. I'm bad..
Eh.. that's everything for now..
Good night..
Posted: Tue, 06/10/2015 23:11 (9 Years ago)
Eh.. Ya, so.. I'm being ignored 13rd day by someone very important to me.. I guess she broke up with me.. But it's fine as long she will be happy.
Um.. school is fine, just.. I feel really depressed.. plus she is ignoring me.. I'm crying all the time, but.. I can't tell anyone about it.. Why can't I just cut? Beacuse I'm trying to stop cutting.. I don't remember when I made my last cut, but I'm sure that it was very long time ago. I kinda feel ignored by everyone, but I know I'm not ignored, just everyone have their own life and stuff.
But.. why I can't tell anyone how I feel? Why is it so hard for me to trust even my best friends? I think I will never know the answers..
Oh, and about school.. I was writing something like competition (I guess) from English, and.. I did it xD
and.. my dad will come back soon.. yay
So.. I guess that's all..
Posted: Wed, 14/10/2015 20:05 (9 Years ago)
Um.. so..
Kye is really sad.. her life should be better for her.. she is a good person, with beautiful heart and soul..
Um.. My dad comes back soon \o/ like.. in Sunday after this Sunday
Nothing interesing is happening.. I'm still just trying to have some fun by talking with teachers and playing some games on pc, and by talking with my friends on PH..
I.. don't want to talk about this what happened.. only few people know.. maybe later.. Everything I can say Is.. that.. I feel really sad.. and lonely all the time.. life without sense is stupid.. I'm not showing it tho, I must act like I'm fine, but it's fine for me, I know that nobody worry about me beacuse of it
And.. I feel bad today.. I must keep laying on my back or I will vomit.. eh.. tomorrow I'm going to doctor..
And.. that's all I guess.. I want to write more, but there is nothing left for me to say..
Good night, have sweet dreams
Posted: Thu, 15/10/2015 23:26 (9 Years ago)
In the morning I felt better, so I haven't go to doctor. School.. it was boring, like always. But that guy was fighting with that new girl .o. It was weird and kinda funny.
And.. hm.. it's 1:23am, I just can't fall asleep xD
Ish feel better than yesterday, but.. eh I still want to cut. I just don't like being like that, I want to be normal, but there are so many things happening.. I just can't concetrate.
And I want to make like new pokemons xD but ony draw them. And I was thinking about drawing my own manga, but ehh :'D Ish suck at drawing, I need to be better xD But maybe one day.. :'3
I will keep laying here for a moment more, then just go to sleep. Tomorrow is friday <3
Um.. so good night~
Posted: Thu, 29/10/2015 00:50 (9 Years ago)
Soooo..
First
Kye left. I'm kinda glad that I made her leave me, but in this, same time I'm sad beacuse I had to hurt her.. and, well, she was my sense of life, so yea xD
Btw it's.. weird. Moment ago we were in love forever, but now I'm like dead for her.
And.. yesterday I was in town and everything I remember is that I was in a car and my tummy was hurting, then I was standing next to that weird, tall, metal thing and there was food under me, and then I was in my car again and my tummy was hurting a lot more xD
Hm.. also I'm trying to open myself to my best friends, and like.. get friends in real life xD It's not like these best friends here aren't enough, just.. everyone will leave me sooner or earlier, so xD
And.. well that's all I guess..
I barely remember myself, and my best friends.. it got just worse..
So.. Good night o/
Posted: Thu, 12/11/2015 22:11 (9 Years ago)
Ahhh whole month xD
Not so many things happened.. I'm slowly feeling a little bit better.
And school is boring af ;; I hate it, and everyone in it.
Thing with Kye.. well, I don't really know what's happening, I just hope that she will be fine.
I became someone's dog :'3 and she told me about that awesome game "HunniePop" <3
And.. no. If I die, it would matter. Maybe no for me, but for other people, for my best friends. I'm glad that I have them <3
Uh.. that's all I guess.. Good night <3
And.. I started wondering today.. why am I like that? Why am I this, who I am?
Posted: Sun, 20/12/2015 23:03 (8 Years ago)
Yo
I'm.. I'm slowly becoming normal me <3 Depression is still coming back sometimes.. And every night.. but.. There are people who help me.
And yesterday I watched my 30TH ANIME! <333 It was "Date a Live 2". It was awesome <3 I wish that you will remember me forever.. I was almost crying <3
And.. My owner. I'm still her dog, and I'm really happy. She helps me a lot. I need her a lot. I.. I know that she will leave soon.. but I'm happy at this moment.
Also, my.. my sister Infinity.. She's the sweetest in whole universe :v
And Fanbae left </3 I'm sad beacuse of it, but he will come back soon. Or if he won't, I will go to him >:c
And it's almost Christmas.. I want to wish everyone happy Christmas, to find people that will care a lot about you, and I want to meet you all again after Christmas and New Year <3
I'm going to sleep soon. Also, I don't feel really good.. but.. Good night o/
Posted: Sat, 02/01/2016 02:17 (8 Years ago)
Happy New Year <3
Yesterday was awesome, I hope this year will be good for everyone <3
And IT'S FINALLY SNOW HEREEEE <33333
Hm..
Also, something weird happened. I kind of "woke up" in real life... that's really weird, I don't even know how to explain it.
Anyway, I fell asleep yesterday at 7am, and woke up 10 hours later xD and then I was sleeping two hours more xD it's 3am, and I'm still sleepy xD
Um.. some friends kind of don't know who I really am... it makes me kinda sad, but well, at least they are trying, and it makes me happy <3
Ohhh, and my friend SweetMelody drew this for me <3 I really love it <3 it's my persona as a Fox, so it's my Fursona <3 And my Fanbae is drawing my pokesona for me <3 It's the best start of a year ever <3
So, I guess that's all.
I also want to thank everyone who's here for me... it makes me less depressed, and it helps me a lot... Thanks to all of you, you are the best <3 They know who they are :v
Good night o/
Posted: Wed, 06/01/2016 23:05 (8 Years ago)
Ew, school started xD I had free day today tho. I was sleeping to 3pm xD
And, few days ago, my Fanbae started drawing my pokesona ;w; And... I want to apologize to him for being such an a**hole and stuff, he was really annoyed... ehhh
And ~Infinity~ made like pixel version of it <3 I will show it at the end.
And SweetMelody drew me a Fursona <3
I don't really remember anything else xD But these days were fine.
So good night <3
Fursona by SweetMelody
Pixel version of my pokesona by ~Infinity~
NOBODY is allowed to steal any art, even that I showed. If youlu will steal it, I will report you. Only Owners of that art are allowed to use it.
Posted: Sat, 30/01/2016 02:16 (8 Years ago)
Ahhh I was waiting whole week to post something here xD
So, I almost died again few days ago. It's kind of weird feeling... I still wonder if I did good thing with staying alive, but eh.
Oh, and on Ph... I think someone hates me now
And I feel really unwanted by everyone. I don't know why, but... I just feel like I'm annoying everuone around me.
And today I had kind of bad day. I woke up at 3pm, and I wasn't eating anything today, just some of breakfast.
And... Sometimes I become randomly sad. It annoys me, but eh.
But, if we won't talk about sad things, everything else is fine uwu So Good night <3
Posted: Sun, 31/01/2016 05:35 (8 Years ago)
Today was weird day.
I feel pretty much ignored, rejected and unwanted by literally everyone. Even my best friend was yelling at me.
I wasn't eating again. And it's actually 6:32am of Sunday, but I can't fall asleep. I guess I'm too hungry.
But... this day was kinda fun. I'm trying to draw something... other xD I will post pic of it here when I end uwu
That's all <3 Good night, have sweet dreams <3
Posted: Mon, 01/02/2016 02:03 (8 Years ago)
This day was... just bad xD I fell asleep after 6am, woke up after 3pm, and changed into normal clothes at 6pm xD
And again, I ate almost nothing. Just some pizza. Now I want to vomit whenever I see food. It's been 3rd day without eating.
And that question I saw today "If you could have one wish that would become true in a moment, what would your wish be?" I started thinking about it kinda serious. I guess I would want a one-use button, that would reset my whole life. Nobody would remember me, I wouldn't remember anyone. Sounds good. But I'm not sure... I don't want to lose these people I met... It's really hard decision.
But, anyway, from today I must be empty inside, I must get stronger. Also I will start kind of working out, and try to stabilize my sleeping time.
So... good night <3
Posted: Sun, 13/03/2016 01:07 (8 Years ago)
Yo
It's been... kinda long, wasn't it?
So... I've lost few friends. I regret hurting them from my whole, stupid heart. Ya, I'm weak, I felt hurted too, but... I just don't know how to say sorry. So I will just shut up.
I was sick last week, now I'm only coughing. Now I have to go to school again... to all those bad people... teachers... I must be smart.
And... eh, I guess that's all... I don't want to stop writing, I really need someone right now, but whatever...
Oh, also, I... I remember more things from my relations with Kye. She... wasn't bad. She was a nice girl. I want to apologize to her too. I'm the one who was being an (tho I noticed it earlier and I was apologizing but eh)... And she told me once that I've changed. Ya, that's actually truth... She doesn't liked it tho, but well, not everyone will like me. And she has changed too, but it's just my thing, sorry my diary.
So, that's all. Good night
Posted: Wed, 30/03/2016 03:27 (8 Years ago)
Ugh, I write so rarely here, tho I think a lot about writing here. I'm probably just too scared to share my emotions xD
Also, not much is happening. It's just after Easter (happy late Easter o/ ), and really not much is going on.
As always, losing a friend, getting back another friend, depression. Eh, I started eating really not much, I barely can eat a bit of my breakfast. It's getting annoying, but what can I do. And depression thing, I just have bad mood like second or third week, and I just have enough of taking those pills, I'd happily throw them away, but mom will buy just more and try to control me even more.
Annnd... dad is going away soon... again... for whole month, maybe longer...
Anyway, I've got contact lens, and I can actually wear them \o/
And I made a DeviantArt account <3 But I'm really lazy to add something there.
Okay, that's all for now, my school starts in less than two hours so
Good nightttt
Posted: Thu, 14/04/2016 21:27 (8 Years ago)
Yo...
So... well...
School is fine, my exams are soon, and I feel like I will do them pretty well... I will study in Saturday a bit, to not study in Sunday, and it will be probably fine...
I think I've made new friends.. I mean, I know they will leave soon, but still...
And I feel... I feel just awful... I have enough... I want to just be alone, without any love... I want to have normal friends that will like me, that will stay a bit longer than month or two... I mean, I have few friends that are like that... but we don't even talk...
Eh, I think not taking pills is harder now than earlier... but well... I feel a bit more free...
But then again, I feel really awful... I keep lying to my friends... It's obviously my fault that they leave...
And..... I miss Kye a bit...
Anyway, I got a bit stronger... I don't cry anymore... I'm just stronger inside... a bit...
This world sucks, in real life I have only my demon... But he's not here all the time...
I just keep thinking every night about cutting, but I still haven't did that... But I'm just closer and closer to doing it... I just want to end everything... I won't have a future, I never had any...
And well... I think making this diary was a bit good idea... I can take few things out of me here...
Well, that's all for now, good night <3
Posted: Sun, 24/04/2016 22:30 (8 Years ago)
Yo o/
Another boring Sunday xD I don't really remember when I fell asleep, but I woke up at 3pm xD
Today was really weird day. But I drew some Jellysonas \o/
And jfc that person, who probably hated me and still hates, wrote to me ;x; I got so scared and stressed jfc I couldn't move xD but I actually missed her, it was very nice to talk with her again.
And yesterday my friendo messaged me, with explaining why we aren't talking, and it was cute xD and we will talk again soon, she's just busy, but I can wait <3 I missed her too ;w;
And Lupa, my best friendo, made that awesome drawing for me omg it's so adorable and sweet, I wanted to give her tons of kisses and smooches <3 (but she hates them so I had to stop myself xD).
And my dad came back from Germany already! <3
And... eh. I feel just bad. I was kind of fighting with my mom again. And that stupid feeling... ehhh, I really hate being alive, but whatever. I must be fine, so I will uwu
That's all for now, good night <3
Posted: Tue, 26/04/2016 21:51 (8 Years ago)
Yo
Today was just another, kinda normal day, but I need to let my emotions go again.
So, today on Sports that fat guy was yelling again, nothing new.
But someone very awesome wrote to me o/ I missed that person af tbh.
And on first lesson, that teacher said "You all probably can't lie yet, but you will learn"
I felt weird. I lie all the time. It makes no sense.
Anyway.. umm... I'm still kinda too lazy to draw those Jellysonas for few people, but it's mostly beacuse I get like 4~5 hours of sleep a day since some time. I hope they aren't mad. I'm too scared to message them xD
Anything else... oh, right, my big friendo told me to do something important. I have to just sit, take a paper and pencil, and write down all the good and bad things about humans. It's weird that some people take my hate as a joke tho, I literally hate most of the humans, only some are fine, and I really mean it.
But welp, time to go
Nighty night~ <3
Posted: Mon, 16/05/2016 00:05 (8 Years ago)
Oms I'm writing it 2nd time beacuse I accidentally closed the page after writing everything fml
But anyway
Hai <3
I was in Germany today, with my dad \o/ I love traveling
And we bought pizza, but it was so small xD but still yummy uwu
ohsatan what did I write here before xD
Oh, and I kind of want to learn that "vent art". it seems like it might help me when I'm sad... it's funny to cry and laugh in that same time tho xD
Okay, now school
My grades are fine, I'm making them good <3 I think (like, literally 69% sure) that I will have good grades at the end of school. I hope so xD
After it... new school. New people, new places, new things to learn... I'm kinda scared tbh. I have no idea what I want to do in my life. Beacuse of depression I feel like I'm 14 years old, and it makes it kind of harder to think about future ehhh
But I'm trying my best. And I have kind of plans for life. I want to end this school with good grades, next school with good grades, and go to studies. After studies I will find another work, so I can get a lot of money. I will give some money to parents (and brother if he will want or need it), and then I will fly by a plane to the person I love, stay a bit with her, and then maybe fly away to a small, friendly city, where we will live in happiness x///D Kinda stupid plans, but still something, isn't it?
Not as much as earlier, but I still wrote a lot xD That's all for now
Good night, have sweet dreams... tomorrow is another day <3
Posted: Mon, 23/05/2016 00:09 (8 Years ago)
Hai <3
So... stuff. Yesterday (Saturday) was funreal of my teacher's dad. He died on Thursday beacuse of lungs cancer.
Today was communion of someone from my family. Man, I haven't seen them 10 years... I was so stressed and scared of them.
And ya, I still fight with my dad... I really don't want to tho, but I don't know, we just do that... Eh. It's pretty obvious that I'm not the son my parents want.
Now I'm feeling pretty bad, I wish I could talk with someone honestly... but I'm still too scared to tell anyone how I feel. I will be fine anyway, I guess I'm just over reacting.
I got to sleep around 6 hours in Saturday, 5 hours in Sunday, and now I will sleep 5 hours again since it's 2am.
Anyway, good night <3