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hira's thoughts
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Posted: Sun, 22/09/2024 20:52 (8 Months ago)
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sleep anxiety is so real these past
few weeks like let me sleep!!
maybe its because i have so many what ifs and what could have happened but whats in the past is in the past, i cant ever change that im aware. i know of it
i dont want to be hurt anymore, honestly
i want to reconcile but i dont want to be hurt again. please let the April Incident be the last hurt i receive this year /lh
maybe its because i have so many what ifs and what could have happened but whats in the past is in the past, i cant ever change that im aware. i know of it
i dont want to be hurt anymore, honestly
i want to reconcile but i dont want to be hurt again. please let the April Incident be the last hurt i receive this year /lh
Posted: Mon, 23/09/2024 12:37 (8 Months ago)
ue.... i just want butoukai madara.... ueueue....
Posted: Thu, 26/09/2024 04:00 (8 Months ago)
what if i pulled on shu's current banner just to piss yuki off (im not a valk oshi) /lh
Posted: Sat, 28/09/2024 15:20 (8 Months ago)
thats 4 5 stars...
Posted: Sun, 29/09/2024 13:38 (8 Months ago)
getting him in a single free pull feels.... what is my luck honestly
Posted: Thu, 03/10/2024 07:56 (8 Months ago)
oooo vanquisher shu u wanna come home so bad just so i can torment yuki /j
Posted: Fri, 04/10/2024 17:49 (8 Months ago)
// vent. kind of over the place. i cant articulate my thoughts well
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good lord my head hurts lol thinking
is seriously not my suite lololol
im gonna be a second year degree student on monday and i genuinely... things Are Not getting better for me
the semester hasnt started yet and im already stressed out
highkey might have to give my counsellor a knock on her office even after i ghosted her for 2 months :ahayeah: its just... Not Getting Better
i spent the whole year mostly studying and going outing with like the same 2 people i met on discord (mio n faith. i love them /p) and i cant seem to get along well with my coursemates, try as hard as i might. we are not gonna address my attempts or ideations. we just arent. we will not. that just doesnt exist to the world /lh
the April Incident just messed me up in the worse way possible huh... wish i never met them.
im gonna be a second year degree student on monday and i genuinely... things Are Not getting better for me
the semester hasnt started yet and im already stressed out
highkey might have to give my counsellor a knock on her office even after i ghosted her for 2 months :ahayeah: its just... Not Getting Better
i spent the whole year mostly studying and going outing with like the same 2 people i met on discord (mio n faith. i love them /p) and i cant seem to get along well with my coursemates, try as hard as i might. we are not gonna address my attempts or ideations. we just arent. we will not. that just doesnt exist to the world /lh
the April Incident just messed me up in the worse way possible huh... wish i never met them.
EDIT:
// seperate vent. not related to above vent. 5/10/2024; 9:30 pm
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i dont want an apology. i want the
guilt to eat you alive. thats what you deserve afterall.
Posted: Fri, 11/10/2024 10:00 (8 Months ago)
Oh no, your chain of Frigibax broke! A freshly hatched Woobat reset your PokéRadar
Chain ended: 244
Shinies: 0
Posted: Sun, 13/10/2024 15:27 (8 Months ago)
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i freely block, yes. i have a dni list
for a reason. im a pretty chill person unless you do or support the
usage of ai 'art'. if you dont do that and still find yourself
blocked, id rather save myself the hassle and avoid a problem
entirely
this isnt directed at anyone specific. dont go on a witch hunt on me for blocking when the block button exists for a reason. im simply utilising it for my own peace of mind so theres that.
this isnt directed at anyone specific. dont go on a witch hunt on me for blocking when the block button exists for a reason. im simply utilising it for my own peace of mind so theres that.
Posted: Wed, 16/10/2024 05:22 (8 Months ago)
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yippee yahoo yay /s dysphoria saying
hi after 5-6 years of being happy and coming to terms with myself
:')
its probably because im on Shark Week and it just amplifiesnit further but mh. still. gahah. ill never be the person i wish to be :'))
"the answer to dysphoria is transitioning!!!" unfortunately i live in a conservative country with conservative parents who blatantly told me theyd disown their own children if any of them come out as trans. i cant afford to get kicked out of uni when ive come this far (but really, its the academic victim in me speaking /lh)
all in all. i need to get something off my chest (literally)
its probably because im on Shark Week and it just amplifiesnit further but mh. still. gahah. ill never be the person i wish to be :'))
"the answer to dysphoria is transitioning!!!" unfortunately i live in a conservative country with conservative parents who blatantly told me theyd disown their own children if any of them come out as trans. i cant afford to get kicked out of uni when ive come this far (but really, its the academic victim in me speaking /lh)
all in all. i need to get something off my chest (literally)
Posted: Tue, 22/10/2024 03:01 (7 Months ago)
the post con blues hit hard gasdfghjkl i miss my cos mutuals...
met yuki physically for the first time and we instantly brainrotted over enstars gasdfghjkl
i also... 👉👈 made a new enstarrie mutual when i did a tiny detour when i went grocery shopping last saturday. highkey funny how we just stared at each other and they were like "are you leo" UNFORTUNATELY I AM!!!!!!!
also yuki asking me what got me into enstars in the first place and the one immediate thing that tumbled out of my mouth was "gambling addiction" (shoutout to them for letting me talk about my enstars origin story /lh vvv)
erm not much happened aside from me being partially deaf (whats new pussycat) and i overslept for todays class
anyway, merch haul (its all enstars) (thank you yuki for the eichi poca)
Posted: Thu, 24/10/2024 06:09 (7 Months ago)
Hunt started: 23/10/2024
Hunt ended: N/A
Chain: 11
2
4
0
Posted: Tue, 29/10/2024 08:39 (7 Months ago)
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how much remorse does one have to show
for me to be able to forgive them?
i know, i know. 'you should only accept someone's apology if you're ready to forgive them' and all but truly, i cant help asking that to myself. just how much remorse should you show for me to be able to forgive you? its scary how, the more you show remorse for your (past) actions, the more apathetic i grow towards you
i guess saying that meeting you was my worst mistake is giving you too much credit. because otherwise it wouldnt snowball to me meeting mio and faith. i shouldnt be alive past 16 but here i am.
i know our frontal lobes arent fully developed then but. m. that still doesnt excuse the things you did to me honestly. the hurt you gave to me.
and i hate that amidst my apathy for you now, i find myself still wishing the best for you and still have the slightest bit to forgive you. only slightly. please dont take me as a fool like you did then.
sure, meeting you gave me psychological torture (/hj), self-doubt and attachment issues in the long run. add gaslighting myself in the long laundry list as well why dont you? /lh
i hope this is the last time ill even think or talk negatively about you.
i know, i know. 'you should only accept someone's apology if you're ready to forgive them' and all but truly, i cant help asking that to myself. just how much remorse should you show for me to be able to forgive you? its scary how, the more you show remorse for your (past) actions, the more apathetic i grow towards you
i guess saying that meeting you was my worst mistake is giving you too much credit. because otherwise it wouldnt snowball to me meeting mio and faith. i shouldnt be alive past 16 but here i am.
i know our frontal lobes arent fully developed then but. m. that still doesnt excuse the things you did to me honestly. the hurt you gave to me.
and i hate that amidst my apathy for you now, i find myself still wishing the best for you and still have the slightest bit to forgive you. only slightly. please dont take me as a fool like you did then.
sure, meeting you gave me psychological torture (/hj), self-doubt and attachment issues in the long run. add gaslighting myself in the long laundry list as well why dont you? /lh
i hope this is the last time ill even think or talk negatively about you.
anyway i love my friends. wouldnt trade them for the world !!!!!!
Posted: Thu, 31/10/2024 12:48 (7 Months ago)
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Posted: Thu, 31/10/2024 15:27 (7 Months ago)
in which i wanna stream art but its 11 pm as of writing this and i dont have the energy to talk (funnily enough! for a yapper like me) and faith holds me at gunpoint forcing me to talk if i were to stream (all in good light hearted /j banter)
ive been seriously demotivated to draw as of late, no idea why so i decided to settle on one of my countless wips
its not general jing yuan i swear ;;;
im currently in week 4 or 5 in uni. i cant remember. this semester feels too lax im kinda worried gasdfghjkl
cant gaslight me if i cant remember my own schedule when im this far in the school year /lh erm... rent life is great, the walk to and from class is nice + the bus ride on the way to my faculty is longer than if i were to live in the dorms (not to mention my ex dorm unit had a water shortage problem for two days??? thank god im renting outside)
ive been getting *really* into photocard decorating now. me being into enstars doesnt make it any better for it (bcoz u kno... official pocas / pashakores...) and of course i gotta buy photocards of my blorbos everytime i hit any local cons
uhhhhhh other than that?!?!?! im excited for cf2024 hehe... bebe's first LCB group photoshoot.... looking forward to it...
Posted: Sat, 02/11/2024 13:51 (7 Months ago)
without overexplaining things, yesterday was.. well, it wasnt stressful at all. it was exhausting. mentally draining to be exact. your honor, even my lawyers are speechless
of course, we had our enstars watch party last night and yaaaay we finished the anime
im sitting faith and mio down to watch the movie next. this is my cocomelon /j
can i just go about a day without attracting weirdos because what the heck, pursuing a degree was a mistake /lh /hj
two days in a row.... give me a break, seriously....
anyway,
obligatory JPstars pull + yuki's live reaction(s)
i say himeru's next bcoz yuki got eichi and himeru 5 stars instead of arashi's at home gacha card (its ok, their wife came after like... 150 pulls and 30 MYR /lh)
"you know its serious when an art student does maths" - yuki, 2024
Posted: Wed, 13/11/2024 13:23 (7 Months ago)
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(meeting and) talking to two people
who hurt me (in the past) is not on my 2024 bingo list.
im kinda distracting myself from the thought of sitting through a 6-7 hr road trip and meeting my abuser by Keeping It Together and going 'oh well at least i can go to the borders of thailand :)' because, truly, who am i if not for the fact that im good at making it seem like im not actually stressed out when i am deep inside
i hope i am just a silly little creature to you guys. nothing i say is not and should not be taken seriously after all. why ask to be taken seriously at times when people wont do so, why not just go along with their whims amiright. puts on my silly jester hat. does my silly little dance
i know i said i wanted a change of scenery after being upset with my housemates earlier this week but not like this!!!
anyway im counting days till i can meet mio n faith again. might get that makoto nui as an early bday gift for faith. mios travelling rn so erm maybe ill hang with them next week or the following month. idk
im aware that im growing an unhealthy attachment towards both of them and im working to... detach myself? lower my expectations? just so the situation with [REDACTED] last year doesnt repeat itself. come late december and thats a full year since i last talked to him. yippee (?)
unrelated note, cant gaslight me when im already messed up in the head from various things ive committed to myself (and others inflicted on me to the point of me blocking said memories out. shoutout to miss rona's world tour for uncovering them)
i genuinely Dont Care what happened. good for you. sorry that happened. idk.
call me heartless, call me spineless, maybe thats me but thats also on you. you kinda did this to yourself
im kinda distracting myself from the thought of sitting through a 6-7 hr road trip and meeting my abuser by Keeping It Together and going 'oh well at least i can go to the borders of thailand :)' because, truly, who am i if not for the fact that im good at making it seem like im not actually stressed out when i am deep inside
i hope i am just a silly little creature to you guys. nothing i say is not and should not be taken seriously after all. why ask to be taken seriously at times when people wont do so, why not just go along with their whims amiright. puts on my silly jester hat. does my silly little dance
i know i said i wanted a change of scenery after being upset with my housemates earlier this week but not like this!!!
anyway im counting days till i can meet mio n faith again. might get that makoto nui as an early bday gift for faith. mios travelling rn so erm maybe ill hang with them next week or the following month. idk
im aware that im growing an unhealthy attachment towards both of them and im working to... detach myself? lower my expectations? just so the situation with [REDACTED] last year doesnt repeat itself. come late december and thats a full year since i last talked to him. yippee (?)
unrelated note, cant gaslight me when im already messed up in the head from various things ive committed to myself (and others inflicted on me to the point of me blocking said memories out. shoutout to miss rona's world tour for uncovering them)
i genuinely Dont Care what happened. good for you. sorry that happened. idk.
call me heartless, call me spineless, maybe thats me but thats also on you. you kinda did this to yourself
Posted: Fri, 28/03/2025 15:43 (2 Months ago)
long time no gambleposting err... i have no excuses for that (i keep on forgetting)
tried pulling for FS2 leo on ENGstars, got bunevenly's oshi instead (shakes fist)
"i hope i get my oshis" the devious trickstars (and hiiro amagi):
oh err ensekai collab pulls!!! got everyone for enstars and only toya for prsk T__T i wanted akito but like... whatever... was on 53 pulls, 0 dias and on the last collab day for it anyway
aside from that, ive been playing a lot of fortnite with oomfs lately (going back to my pre-covid roots i fear /silly) cant remember why, i think it went smth along the lines of "oh yeah i was there when kenshi yonezu did a concert in fortnite" to mio going "theyre collabbing with kimetsu soon we should play it together" and err boom
also yuki kinda dragged me into charisma house which then i got dragged by them to do a chrsm cos for anifest+ next month www theyre going as ohse and im going as rikai... doing the walk of shame when i show up at the con in a cube of rikai's png. joyous day!
also been not so lonely in uni anyore (thats a partial lie ww), made some friends (from differing courses) from my club + err ive been talking / been feeling included from my classmates so thats nice
my psych has been ghosting me for almost 4 months now so uhh,,, i think its time i find a new psychologist o(-<
Posted: Thu, 22/05/2025 17:04 (28 Days ago)
lots of things happened in the past few weeks (stuff that i wont disclose due to rlly personal things) but err i think im doing better? questionable considering my crashout earlier today
my field trip got cancelled!! kinda glad it did, i dont have the energy to meet new people. also im a single mom (gn) of three (fishes) now. i have yet to seriously name them. i think theyre female guppies, maybe tetras? i dunno, for sure it isnt a betta fish
also joined a 1 minute cosplay competition for the fun of it last saturday, did meet new cool people yay
ive been thinking of expanding my horizons a bit when it comes to cosplaying, nothing like going pro and modelling, though, nuh-uh
o(-< just some harmless fun stuff
i did promise kaeru i was gonna do mizu5 mzen matching cosplays with them by the end of the year.... and i did tell sylas i might do USA rinne.... honestly a lot going on in my cosplans but im taking a hiatus for a while wwww (ive still yet to do yan)
im so low on energy god all i do is sleep for 12 hours on a thursday afternoon o(-<
Posted: Mon, 16/06/2025 07:52 (3 Days ago)
art by da oomf ever...
bestest 100MYR purchase yet
been crashing out an awful lot this week (mostly due to my assignments wwwww) so thought id treat myself (and technically oomf as well) by getting a piece of my selfship teehee <33