Forum Thread

sleep anxiety is so real these past few weeks like let me sleep!!

maybe its because i have so many what ifs and what could have happened but whats in the past is in the past, i cant ever change that im aware. i know of it

i dont want to be hurt anymore, honestly
i want to reconcile but i dont want to be hurt again. please let the April Incident be the last hurt i receive this year /lh

good lord my head hurts lol thinking is seriously not my suite lololol

im gonna be a second year degree student on monday and i genuinely... things Are Not getting better for me
the semester hasnt started yet and im already stressed out

highkey might have to give my counsellor a knock on her office even after i ghosted her for 2 months :ahayeah: its just... Not Getting Better

i spent the whole year mostly studying and going outing with like the same 2 people i met on discord (mio n faith. i love them /p) and i cant seem to get along well with my coursemates, try as hard as i might. we are not gonna address my attempts or ideations. we just arent. we will not. that just doesnt exist to the world /lh

the April Incident just messed me up in the worse way possible huh... wish i never met them.

i dont want an apology. i want the guilt to eat you alive. thats what you deserve afterall.

i freely block, yes. i have a dni list for a reason. im a pretty chill person unless you do or support the usage of ai 'art'. if you dont do that and still find yourself blocked, id rather save myself the hassle and avoid a problem entirely

this isnt directed at anyone specific. dont go on a witch hunt on me for blocking when the block button exists for a reason. im simply utilising it for my own peace of mind so theres that.

yippee yahoo yay /s dysphoria saying hi after 5-6 years of being happy and coming to terms with myself :')

its probably because im on Shark Week and it just amplifiesnit further but mh. still. gahah. ill never be the person i wish to be :'))

"the answer to dysphoria is transitioning!!!" unfortunately i live in a conservative country with conservative parents who blatantly told me theyd disown their own children if any of them come out as trans. i cant afford to get kicked out of uni when ive come this far (but really, its the academic victim in me speaking /lh)

all in all. i need to get something off my chest (literally)

how much remorse does one have to show for me to be able to forgive them?

i know, i know. 'you should only accept someone's apology if you're ready to forgive them' and all but truly, i cant help asking that to myself. just how much remorse should you show for me to be able to forgive you? its scary how, the more you show remorse for your (past) actions, the more apathetic i grow towards you

i guess saying that meeting you was my worst mistake is giving you too much credit. because otherwise it wouldnt snowball to me meeting mio and faith. i shouldnt be alive past 16 but here i am.

i know our frontal lobes arent fully developed then but. m. that still doesnt excuse the things you did to me honestly. the hurt you gave to me.

and i hate that amidst my apathy for you now, i find myself still wishing the best for you and still have the slightest bit to forgive you. only slightly. please dont take me as a fool like you did then.

sure, meeting you gave me psychological torture (/hj), self-doubt and attachment issues in the long run. add gaslighting myself in the long laundry list as well why dont you? /lh

i hope this is the last time ill even think or talk negatively about you.

(meeting and) talking to two people who hurt me (in the past) is not on my 2024 bingo list.

im kinda distracting myself from the thought of sitting through a 6-7 hr road trip and meeting my abuser by Keeping It Together and going 'oh well at least i can go to the borders of thailand :)' because, truly, who am i if not for the fact that im good at making it seem like im not actually stressed out when i am deep inside

i hope i am just a silly little creature to you guys. nothing i say is not and should not be taken seriously after all. why ask to be taken seriously at times when people wont do so, why not just go along with their whims amiright. puts on my silly jester hat. does my silly little dance

i know i said i wanted a change of scenery after being upset with my housemates earlier this week but not like this!!!

anyway im counting days till i can meet mio n faith again. might get that makoto nui as an early bday gift for faith. mios travelling rn so erm maybe ill hang with them next week or the following month. idk

im aware that im growing an unhealthy attachment towards both of them and im working to... detach myself? lower my expectations? just so the situation with [REDACTED] last year doesnt repeat itself. come late december and thats a full year since i last talked to him. yippee (?)

unrelated note, cant gaslight me when im already messed up in the head from various things ive committed to myself (and others inflicted on me to the point of me blocking said memories out. shoutout to miss rona's world tour for uncovering them)
i genuinely Dont Care what happened. good for you. sorry that happened. idk.
call me heartless, call me spineless, maybe thats me but thats also on you. you kinda did this to yourself