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Forum Thread

It's not easy being shiny

Forum-Index Fanmades Fanfictions It's not easy being shiny
enderknux
OFFLINE
Trainerlevel: 39

Forum Posts: 1,818
Posted: Sun, 09/08/2015 01:48 (8 Years ago)

PLEASE feel free to post comments and critique. Be mean, hate on my grammar, I honestly wanna hear it... It will help me. So be honest, don't lie.

(sorry for not much action- don't worry we are getting there)

Prologue
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Snape yawned quietly, curled up on his vine rug, as the fire crackled and burned harshly in the dead of night. It was about 1:15 in the morning as Snape jumped with a start. "What's wrong?" Zero, his shiny Manectric friend, said staring at him. "Wha-! Why are you still up?" Snape said, his chest still pounding form the jolt that awoke him. The Manectric stared at the shiny servine quietly for a few moments then responded, quietly repeating "What's wrong?". "Bad dream- Cinnamon is still alright? Right..?" Snape mumbled blushing. CinnamonRoll, who went as Cinnamon was a shiny Lopunny... and also Snape's dream girl. Zero noticed the blush and started singing quietly "Snape and Cinna sitting in a tree-" He started but was quickly stopped when Snape stuffed a vine in his mouth and mumbled "Shut up,". Cät the shiny Espurr softly snored sitting on Loyalty the shiny Pontya's back as Loyalty's chest bobbed up in down. Kricketunes could be heard as the two shinies shared a moment. Snape removed the vine from Zero's mouth and softly mumbled "Go back to sleep- we all need the rest," as he layed back down and drifted off.


Chapter I
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Snape awoke, but this time slowly and happily. The sun shinnied cheerfully, as he finally opened his eyes fully. Only Loyalty and Cät were awake. Cät was a dorky shiny espurr, with a high IQ and much knowledge of the world. Loyalty was fairly shy and kind secretive, but he'd never keep anything from Cät. The two were true friends, they never argued or fought. Sometimes Snape thought they could read each others mind. Cinnamon was spread out cutely mumbling in her sleep "Not the cotton candy- no eee" or something like that, Snape couldn't tell. He quickly looked some where else, because he didn't want Zero to wake up and see him staring at Cinnamon. Cinnamon, being the only girl, was put in an awkward place at times. She was an excellent cook, but was best off in the candy and sweets department. Zero twitched as if about to wake up but then stopped. Snape mumbled "Get up lazy butt," as he shook Zero with his vines. "I don't wanna" He replied sleepily. Snape sighed "Cinna made Bluk Berry waffles,". This was a lie, but Zero loved her waffles.
If it'd get him up it was worth it. Snape was right, as soon as he finished the words, Zero was up. "Hey! She's not even awake!" Zero said angrily. "Too bad, help me wake her up," Snape sighed as they walked over to her and were about to shake her.

"What did you two think you were doing?" She said jokingly, her eyes opening with a flash; absorbing the light. "Oh- uh... um, Good morning?" Snape coughed, blushing. "How long have you been awake?" Zero asked with a look of displeasure on his face. "Not long, but I heard Snape waking you up. I assume you still want those waffles?" She replied getting up and tying on her apron. "Would any like to come help me gather Bluk Berries?" She said with a friendly smile looking Snape in the eye. She knew he liked her, but she didn't care. When he deiced to tell her, she'd share her feelings, but until then she stayed quite. "Uh- Sure?" Snape said once again blushing after a few moments of silence. As the two walked deeper into the forest to gather the berries, Zero laid back on a rock. Cät's eyes glowed and he started levitating his books so he could read them. "Zero?" Cät said calmly. He replied with a quick "hmm?". "Nevermind," Cät calmly but quickly re-drawed the question he was about to ask. Zero wondered,'What was he about to ask?' but didn't bother.


dkos
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Trainerlevel: 56

Forum Posts: 1,238
Posted: Sun, 09/08/2015 02:25 (8 Years ago)
I'm here to point out a few things.

I've noticed in your writing is that it doesn't flow. The sentences seem short and chopped.
"Snape yawned quietly curled up on his vine rug. The fire crackled and burned harshly in the dead of night."

Take this for example, these two sentences don't flow together. To fix this, it would be easier to combine them.

"Snape yawned quietly, curled up on his vine rug, as the fire crackled and burned harshly in the dead of night."

That sounds much better right? Longer sentences sound much better and flow easier, so always look for what sentences you can combine as you write.

You've also got some grammar/spelling mistakes, that I'll highlight as fixed.

It was about 1:15 in the morning as Snape jumped with a start. "What's wrong?" Zero, his shiny Manectric friend, said staring at him. "Wha-! Why are you still up?" Snape said, his chest still pounding form the jolt that awoke him. The Manectric stared at the shiny servine(no comma) quietly for a few moments then responded, quietly repeating "What's wrong?". "Bad dream- Cinnamon is still alright? Right..?" Snape mumbled blushing. CinnamonRoll, who went as Cinnamon was a shiny Lopunny... and also Snape's dream girl. Zero noticed the blush and started singing quietly "Snape and Cinna sitting in a tree-" He started but was quickly stopped when Snape stuffed a vine in his mouth and mumbled "Shut up,". Cät the shiny Espurr softly snored sitting on Loyalty the shiny Pontya's back as Loyalty's chest bobbed up in down. Kricketunes could be heard as the two shinies(only one "n") shared a moment. Snape removed the vine from Zero's mouth and softly mumbled "Go back to sleep- we all need the rest," as he layed back down and drifted off.


click for art shop :]
enderknux
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Trainerlevel: 39

Forum Posts: 1,818
Posted: Sun, 09/08/2015 11:10 (8 Years ago)
Thanks you so much. All fixed.
It was pretty late but still... XD


enderknux
OFFLINE
Trainerlevel: 39

Forum Posts: 1,818
Posted: Wed, 12/08/2015 10:57 (8 Years ago)
bump. been I've bit busy with school, art, an amazing roleplay, and this. So it may not get updated as quickly as before. Thanks for waiting~