Forum Thread

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She waits in the shadows.
For a light to chase the dark away,
A smile to brighten up her day.
For a hand to hold, a heart to guide,
A shoulder to lean on when she cried.

She waits in the shadows.
For arms that hold her when she’s in fear,
A comfort that is always near.
For eyes that share more than a glance,
A gentle soul to share her dance.

She waits in the shadows.
Knowing she’ll never see that light,
Hand always empty, heart never bright.
Knowing her dreams will never pass,
Her hopes brittle, as dry summers grass.

Yet still,
I wait in the shadows.

Title: To My Friends

Warning - This post may contain emotional triggers.

I'm not very good at explaining things, especially when talking about myself, so sorry if some of this is confusing or hard to understand. I think I've managed to edit out all the mistakes, sorry if I missed any.

I also want to say right from the start, I am not looking for any extra attention or sympathy from this. Basically, I feel like you guys deserve an explanation as to why I've been so messed up recently. The amount of friendship and support I have had from people on this site is overwhelming and I don't deserve it, especially after the way I have treated some of you. This post is not an excuse for my behaivour, more of an explanation.

First off, as most of you reading this will have already realized, I am rubbish with dealing with both people and emotions, especially my own emotions. I was bullied quite a lot as a kid, I was basically a church-going, glasses-wearing, book-reading, goody-two-shoes nerd who wore second-hand clothing and was rubbish at sports, so they had plenty of ammunition. It wasn't long before I started believing the words they were throwing at me. I soon discovered though, that crying only made it worse, it just gave them another tool. So I stopped. I taught myself to stop showing emotions. I just bottled them all up and locked them away in a deep, dark corner of my mind. I know now that it was a bad idea, but back then I was just a kid and I didn't know how to handle it.

Locking things away became a habit, a habit which I kept up all through high school. A habit which would have seen me gone from this world if mum hadn't come home early that day. A habit which, despite all my effort, is still with me today.

When stuff happens that I can't handle I shove it away into that deep, dark corner with everything else. The trouble is that every now and then something triggers a release mechanism of some kind and it all comes bubbling to the surface. Usually it's because of certain days of the year - Valentines, Christmas and New Year, and my birthday. Days that should be happy. But because the biggest issue that I'm trying to lock away at the moment is the feeling of being alone for the rest of my life, these days only seem to emphasize the fact that another year has passed and I'm still alone.

My birthday is coming up and this year I will be turning 25. I decided on my 21st birthday that if I was ever going to have a boyfriend, it would be by my 25th birthday. You see, I've never had a boyfriend before, no guy has ever given me a second glance. It's my own fault, I know that, I'm so shy around people, especially guys, and I never know what to say. It doesn't help that I'm not at all pretty or attractive either.

I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid that I'll never get to experience love. And with every day that passes it's becoming more and more likely. In fact, it's inevitable. And it's messing with me so much that I'm pulling away from people. If I'm going to be alone, might as well get used to it now. Then maybe later it won't hurt so much. So I lash out, I snap at people that are getting to close to me so they'll realize that I'm not good to be around, that I'm better off alone. At least, that's how my messed up brain thinks anyway. Deep down I know I shouldn't act like this but it's like I'm not even in control anymore.

I'm not blaming all this on anyone but myself. Not even the bullies from school are at fault here, I mean plenty of people get picked on at school but they turned out fine. I guess I was just to weak. I wasn't strong enough. I'm still not. I've been in low places like this before, but I haven't been this low in a long time. I hardly sleep, and when I do I have nightmares. The only time I smile is at work, which is only because it's the only place were I've managed to keep that part of myself separate. I'm terrified that one day it will be too much and I'll break down at work and lose my job. I don't think I could handle that.

I know I need to change, and I'm trying, I really am. I don't want to be this version of m anymore. I'm just scared that I'm still not strong enough.

So, sorry for going on like this, I just felt that because you had all been so good to me, and I've been such a jerk in return, you deserve to know the truth. What you do with it is up to you. I'll understand if you decide to un-friend me. You don't deserve the way I've been treating you and I'm really sorry for everything I've said.

sorry

happy happy happy happy :D

with smilies and puppies annd all that stuff

happy happy happy c:

no tears, no frowns, no "im ok"s

happy happy :)

masks and lies and all that stuff

happy :|

if i tell myself enough, maybe ill believe it

eventually.

Title: Another Anake Story

Anake walked down the darkening streets, the twilight sending her shadow long and low ahead of her. Her mind was a turmoil of mixed emotions and thoughts.

He looked at me.
So, doesn't mean anything.
He smiled.
Probably looking at something behind you.
Guys don't notice you.
Nobody notices you.
You're a shadow.
Those deep brown eyes, so kind, so soft.
Why would he look at me though?
He wouldn't.
What if he did?
It doesn't matter, he wouldn't stay.
Not once he knew you.
He would turn and run.
Like everyone else.
Just forget him.
You don't need him.
You don't need anyone.
But what if...?
What if what? What if he was different? What if he was the one? There is no one for you.
He deserves better.
So much better.
He doesn't want you.
No one does.
No one.
Go back to the shadows.
Back where you belong.
Alone.

Anake stopped and stared at the rising moon as a solitary silver tear slid down her cheek and dropped to the pavement. And with one last look over her shoulder she continued out of town, her grey fur blending in seamlessly to the shadows, disappearing into the darkness.