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☆ pyralspite's diary ☆
Forum-Index → Diaries → ☆ pyralspite's diary ☆
Posted: Mon, 04/12/2017 05:40 (6 Years ago)
i got my betta, but i'm really worried for it. i was gifted 3 baby bettas along with nix, and i named them coal, shrimp and dust. nix is rather sluggish and dosen't move much, while the three are zooming around in their own poop. i want to change their water but i don't have any dechlorinator. i wasn't prepared to get more than one fish, so coal, dust and shrimp are in the same tiny container. coal is also getting pretty feisty and occasionally chasing shrimp and dust around, i might have to separate them soon. dust is the smallest but they're still eating well, shrimp's coloration makes them look so much like a shrimp i had to name them that. coal is the largest and is probably going to be blue with red fins when they get bigger, i can see the blue tint starting to appear on their scales. i'm really excited to see what color dust turns out to be, they have greenish-blue tinted scales and i think they'll be the prettiest.
Posted: Tue, 05/12/2017 14:19 (6 Years ago)
coal attacked shrimp. they bit off part of shrimp's tail fin and bit him multiple times. shrimp's body turned visibly cloudy red under his scales and it looked like he was bleeding. shrimp's having a lot of trouble swimming and it's pretty much confirmed he's going to die. we immediately removed shrimp and dust from the container and put them in two others. my sister really liked shrimp and we agreed that since i had nix and three baby bettas, i'd let her have shrimp. she's really unhappy with coal and wanted my mother to dump coal in nix's tank and let them get eaten.
even though coal is now kind of a murderer, (they're not a murderer until if shrimp dies,) they're still turning out to be a really beautiful fish, and they're still one of my first pets. even if i'll still blatantly prefer nix and dust, i'll still love coal.
in other notes, i've started on a piece of art for my derg fate, and i'll get started on one for his brother fantasy. because i'm so terrible at designing characters i think i'd get the most practice out of drawing my dragons.
Posted: Fri, 08/12/2017 02:49 (6 Years ago)
i love my new avatar it's perfect hhh
i do still love the lighthearted nature-y aesthetic but dark and rainy just calls to me. my fursona is still gonna be a cream cat because i love cream cats. i feel quite split between my peaceful starry wind aesthetic and the dark and monochromatic one. you know what, i think i'm sticking with my starry wind one it sounds so much better than monochrome.
can't decide if i prefer my ink monster sona or my cream cat one.
shrimp's dead. hopefully he's in a better place than i could ever give him.
Posted: Sun, 10/12/2017 09:26 (6 Years ago)
spent an entire two days drawing and designing cat versions of coal, dust and shrimp. i'm really satisfied with them, though my sister still wants me to put blood on coal's teeth or claws.
ugh i messed up my secret santa drawing, so i decided to remove the lines and just color the sketch. i'll do another better piece alongside it because it sucks.
i wonder who's drawing tenebris?
reminded of why i hardly post art i make online. i only notice the mistakes after i post them.
i finally understand why people are so happy to be gifted art of their character no matter the quality. can't really word it though. i was really happy to see the cat hugging snake and the floating cat and my ghost reuniclus. even if i'm absolutely terrified of showing my art on dA, or any art website really, i'll continue to draw for others and receive art in return. it makes me really happy.
i do like my art. it's just that i'm worried about if others will like it, or if i got something wrong and they were too polite to say it and i never know, or if i just suck at it but i've come so far since my first shitty wolf oc who had a too big head and just plain sucked, and my eyes are just seeing what they want to see.
i want all my art to be perfect in every way and i know that's not possible but i'll try anyway.
(thin lines, chalky texture, roughish but natural feel, beautiful with a shine that you can't quite decipher-)
Posted: Wed, 20/12/2017 09:15 (6 Years ago)
really unmotivated for the secret santa. i finished it, but i absolutely hate it. i wanted to redo it, but i had no motivation to a third redraw. i suck at drawing chus.
i cleaned out nix's tank. there wasn't enough water to replace the water i poured away, so currently nix is suffering with a low water level. i'm so sorry nix, i promise this'll never happen again. by nighttime, i'll have more water for nix and hopefully he won't hate me for this incident.
i don't think i want to own pets ever again. i love them and all, but i'm stressed out really easily with my precious children not having ideal living conditions. i want them to have the best of the best, and i can't give that to them, and i beat myself up. it's still an upgrade from their former conditions in the fish store though, and for that i'm happy.
i wonder how patchwork is. i would've got him instead of nix, but if i didn't get nix he would be suffering in an air-conditioned too-cold office at the mercy of strangers and i couldn't let that happen to him. i hope patchwork's okay.
my art standards are slowly getting higher, whether or not this is a good thing remains to be seen.
i have inspiration for a bnha shipping fic but i don't have confidence to write it. i'll try anyway.
i hatched a mega-able gastly this morning?? they were all at the brink of hatching when i logged on and then all hatched soon after so i completed my advent calendar task without knowing. he was chain 21, even though he's not a shiny (or a shiny mega, but i'm not nearly that lucky) i still love him but i'm not sure what to do with him as i don't want to get a mega stone unless it's for a shiny mega. don't really have the money for that. maybe i'll sell him.
edit: i checked route 53 and there was a shiny slowyore there?? i caught it but as happy as i am i have no idea what to do with it
☆ jan 26, fri ☆
so. um. i don’t wanna disturb anyone by posting here, and i don’t really want anyone to see this anyway. so, to keep things simple and easy to understand, i hecked up. and i don’t want to talk on the forums ever again even though they are my life? i’m sad and sorta confused. i was just tryna prove a point, like i always want to, and i was drunk on determination. i disturbed someone and so they asked me to stop, and maybe they didn’t mean for it to burn so bad. i can’t tell if they’re angry at me or what, and maybe they didn’t mean it to hurt so much but i’m hurt anyway and i don’t want to show head nor tail ever again.
let’s call that person snap, because they have a lovely green stripey snipsnap in their lair that stood out to me amongst all the others. so, snap. i’m really sorry for bothering you, but that scry you posted really called out to me. it was the reason i showed you another in the first place. my mind saw it and went, well of course that’s ugly! you can’t just slap those genes onto random colors and expect it to look beautiful. it filled me with determination to maybe change your mind. that led to the first scry. you kinda just shrugged and went, eh still ugly. so i showed you another and you told me to stop. i’m really sorry for bothering you just because you don’t like some genes. they aren’t very popular and you share that sentiment while i don’t and i’m sorry for trying to change your mind.
i won’t ever know if you hate me or what but i’ll never bother you again even if my life depends on it. i promise.
Posted: Sun, 20/05/2018 03:35 (6 Years ago)
wednesday was the first time i’ve ever felt like i had a future.
it was just a little portfolio making course, with people who taught animation and game design and illustration and stuff like that offering to take a look at what you got and how to improve it so you can have the best shot you can take at getting into that school. i went, and was too shy to actually show anyone my works. they’re horrible, i can’t see how anyone could like them, but those are my eyes.
i.. want that future. i’m chasing after it with all i got since i’m nothing and i want to be something to someone. i want to inspire someone like i’ve been inspired by random strangers on the internet showing off doodles they did of their cats. it’s all i can ever ask for. it’s all i’ve ever wanted.
i’d like to be something. i wish i could be something.
coal and dust died of unknown reasons. nix still doesn’t have aquarium substrate. they still don’t believe that a big tank is good for him, and no this measly 0.5 gallon isn’t enough for him he doesn’t like it no he doesn’t.
i’ve been fine handling things without having to vent here, excluding that one time i dreamed of calling a suicide hotline and vented everything on my mind to an imaginary person who doesn’t know me but was willing to listen. i’m glad i didn’t actually call a hotline, it might not have played out so perfectly as it did in that dream. it made me feel a lot better.
lately i’ve been getting up really early in the morning, a few hours after midnight, to grab my phone and earpieces and watch anime or read or anything not mentally taxing. it’s relaxing, even though i get little sleep. it makes coping with thoughts of worthlessness easier.
dreams have been popping up more frequently, all of the same sort, but i don’t feel like giving details on the internet where anybody can see this. it feels a tad bit too private.