Forum Thread

Firstly, let me state that I, by no means, intend to criticize anyone in this forum, nor do I intend to claim ownership of certain characters unless explicitly stated.

If I do, at some point, betray this disclaimer, please alert me to that through PalPad or PM and I will revise my words to make them clearer.

Thank you.


xxxxxWell.. As with many of my posts, I started by checking the box just above the post button; "Hide my signature for this post". That's a bit ironic, considering I just deleted all the content within my signature a matter of days ago.

xxxxxI've been gone for several months at this point. Four or five, maybe even six. Why did I come back? I guess I felt the need to try and fix the project I'd started, Sea Beasts... So much for that, all the people interested have since unsubscribed from the forum and taken to avoiding it; after all, I bombarded the forum with different forms for a few people in particular, expecting such haste from them filling it out that I wanted to open the signups to public within a few days. Shame on me, for that. Old habits die hard, this isn't the school building I used to wander in, where people would help Fourth-Grade-Me until I could understand it all.

xxxxxI'm not fully sure why I began to write this diary. I've got a personal information storage "Diary" with some so-so abilities that are just rewritten things I found under Creative Commons when I was younger. The ideas stayed for a while, and they popped up when I started to think about abilities; not a conscious effort to rewrite those Creative Commons ideas, but still what happened. It's not like I profited off of them, I just liked those topics so much that I took a liking to them, and wanted to become them briefly, even if just through text.

xxxxxBack to the first try of the last paragraph, I'm not certain as to my own intentions. I suppose I'm just... Scattered. I've been on and off this site for nearly six years exactly at this point; maybe I just thought it was time to take my fingers to the keyboard again and write like I did when I was upset, back in Freshman year of high school. Just write my thoughts, the little ideas that pop up. But this time, I'm not upset. I'm not even agitated. Well, I've got a bit of a headache from caffeine withdrawals and, most likely, dehydration, but I don't feel anything against that. It's just a natural process, no? I keep glancing at my phone, checking for notifications, but it's just games and YouTube alerts, nobody is sending a message my way. Not like I'd respond; I'm already writing something.

xxxxxMaybe I should address the title of this before I end this initial introduction.. "Losing Oneself." I do believe I'm lost. Some of the old friends I had here seem distant, maybe even spiteful. I close my eyes, and I see a little scene. Once, a little beast, assuming itself popular and well-loved from the few friends it gathered. Of course, it could never run for the Mayor of the Town; there wasn't enough support for it, for that. Why not get more support? Go hunt down a terrifying mercenary or monster, something that frightens the town. But then encounter it, and lose an eye. Stumble back to the town, but find that nobody wishes to be near that little beast now. It's hideous now, with that missing eye. Scare it into the woods, up a tree. That's where it belongs, where it can watch, but never partake, for fear of making another mistake.

xxxxx"A Recollection of the Recent Times Gone By." On the day of this post, it's been five years years and three-hundred sixty-two days since I made this account. But, counting the odd leap year dropped in the center of that, it's been five years and three-hundred-sixty-three days since I made this account. Of course, on the day of this post, January Thirteenth. Where did the months go? Well, let me check.. They went into a bad relationship, a good relationship, they went to the Emergency Room and into a social life filled with backstabbers. Six years? They went into middle school, surprisingly. The only thing I have left of that place... Thankfully. It's hard for the peers of a middle schooler to appreciate any sort of writing... Aside from certain genres of fiction books, save for the rare case of a middle school genius, who devours every piece of literature in the school library. Six years ago, I hated writing with a burning passion. I always pressed too hard with my pencil, and gave myself lasting pains in the right hand. I blamed the notebook and the graphite in my pencil for it, not knowing that it was simply a flaw in my mind; I couldn't control the pressure I used. In the seventh grade, I first sat down in front of a blank word document and put my hands to the keyboard. I was disturbed, back then, and decided to write a gory tale of a gladiator, whose hand had been sliced away and replaced with a sickle. It wasn't my proudest moment, as a writer, but it started something I never expected. And six years later, I think about that moment. It didn't take long for me to find the forum here, and make my first mistake...

xxxxxI've taken a bit to look back through my old gift log... I got to see old friends, people that have left the site... People that are planning to leave.. My very first plushie was from Zarkesh. It was a Weedle, I'm not fully sure what happened to earn me that bug, but it's an ancient little memory... Farewell, Zarkesh, when you do go. You've changed so many lives here.

Continuing Later, And Signed By My Old, Deceased Names,

Interna_Chaotica
Gilded_Empress
The_Blackguard_Empire
Goat~Mum
Dafitfish5

May you, who identified me in the past, rest easy; you set the stage for this whole thing.

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xxxxxA bit delayed, by two to three days, depending on the location of the reader. That's my bad, I lost track of time. Last week was midterms for the school, so my sense of everything was thrown violently off. That being said, I had a total of seven credits available to earn from passing those tests, and successfully earned seven credits this past semester. I expected a horrible failure in a few classes, considering I only had vague ideas of what I was reading, but I never got below an 80%, which is.. Splendid. That's a B average, for the American grading system I'm stuck in. Not much happened, aside from those midterms in the last week, so... Not very much to report on for the past week. However, there was a pretty fun event before today. It's been going on for a while, since I've been nearly obsessed with the Global Trade Station. I've actually been circulating my wealth, not sitting on it, so I've been gathering more materials, beasts, rare items... It's been great.

I suppose that's it for now, since I've nothing more to report. Maybe next week, I'll go a bit further into the past. A couple years, maybe?

Continuing Later, And Signed,

Interna_Chaotica

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xxxxxSaturday again, hm? Time is flying, over here. I swear, I was just writing that last post a few hours ago... I guess it's just been rough, trying to settle into the new shcedule of Semester II of my senior year. It's gonna be hell this year, I can feel it. Well, this semester. Last semester wasn't so bad. I got the freedom that came with having a free period in the afternoons, I got to go home as soon as third period ended... I figured I'd have a similar scenario this year. But now, I've also got a free period for first period, not on the same day as the other free period I've got. That, let me tell you, was a total mistake. I'm struggling to figure out if I can sleep in or not half of my days, and the other half I'm usually late to class. Not like I'd want to go to my first period class. It's Probability and Statistics, an advanced math class. And it's full of the worst people in my school. Homophobes, racists, misogynists... And they hate school. Hate it. They only show up so that they can skip their later classes. They don't listen to the teacher, they don't respect her, or all the work she does to teach us. They mess around, play phone games, tell her off, cuss her out... All because they took one of the two available math classes. The other math class? Accounting, with a different teacher. Simple, extremely simple. The only reason any of those guys aren't taking it is because they can't figure out how a computer works... It's... Sad, honestly. They fried their brains with whatever they're buying off the highway, and now they're taking it out on that poor teacher... She didn't work for a Doctorate's degree for that long to be disrespected by high schoolers with no future...

xxxxxHappier topic now, hey? I'm finally getting back into the roleplaying scene, after such a massive absence. Of course, I had to go to the first Hunger Games roleplay I spotted... And as luck would have it, it was one that involved supernatural abilities, a nice little callback to TGGAkane's Supernatural HG RP series. That was a fun time, when those ran. I could almost always count on clicking the forums and seeing one either active or starting. Another one I've signed up for, made by ~Fahrenheit~, is getting delayed, but we've all got hopes that it's starting pretty soon (Hey, Fahren, if you read this - I hope you're doing alright, and nothing's been too stressful). It's going to be a new sort of roleplay for me; a sort of slice-of-life, if that life you're slicing is a fashion model with a major personality flaw behind closed doors. I can't wait, it's gonna be really fun. I've seriously missed getting to write with the people here... On that note, a shameless plug before I sign this off...

I've got a massive project underway, I'm opening it to the public for sign-ups really soon; come check out Sea Beasts, and "sea" if it catches your interest!

That's it for now; no deep-dive into the past this time, only some good news and some awful scenarios.

Continuing Later, And Signed,

Interna_Chaotica

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xxxxxSo... Not a wonderful week, this last one. Terrible to report, but relieving to share. Let's start most recently, and go from there.

-I was forced into attending a small, exclusive country music concert that was put on by a famous man I'd never heard the name of. The room was too small, the acoustics were hellish, and the speakers were far too loud. The small room reeked of spirits and was stocked far too full with drunken adults. I was the only person under twenty that was there.

-The school week was painfully slow, and neither classes nor play practice were at all enjoyable. I went from an intolerable class to an aggravating drama practice this past Friday in a matter of seconds. I also gave up on an idea for my senior project, but I've found potential in another idea.

-I've just been feeling generally low. I've had to take a few leaves of absence from communities I'm usually very active in due to some minor mental strain, and the guests to those communities don't make it better.

-I haven't been performing as well as usual, in terms of the games I play... It's only been this week, and it seems as though it's a mixture of the previous point and my... Less than incredible internet connection.


xxxxxSo.. My week, summed up. I wish it had never happened. On this Saturday night, I've felt a little low; I keep spotting things that make me think of people, but when I go to check in on those people I find an unpleasant surprise; they've vanished, or they've manifested hate for me in some form... It's an odd feeling, in all honesty. Leaving for months, then returning to something you never even knew had happened. I don't even have the smile for a signature this week... Something small, that's all there'll be..

Cheers,
Chaotica