Forum Thread

27.06.2016, Monday

Haaai <3
Finally, summer x3
I know, Im not writing a lot here, and not writing a lot with some people. Im sorry. They might guess who they are tho xD If you know who you are, Im sorry. You can message me soon, I will happily answer and talk with you. If any of them wont read it, I will just message them xD
And I ended this school. Finally. Gosh, this hell is over xD If I would have to be there one year more, Id kill them xD
OH AND the results of exams <3
95% Easy english (38/40)
93% Hard english (37/40)
56% History (18/32)
59% Polish (19/32)
61% Math (17/28)
68% Nature things (19/28)
(Nature things are Chemistry, Biology, Geography and Physics)
Im so proud of myself <3
I might write my marks tomorrow maybe x3
and my drawing gets better finally ;w; Im trying to draw more and more, on bigger paper (just normal A4 instead of books xD)
Annnnd...
So far my life is still weird, but Im trying. Things are getting slowly, really slowly, better. Its a good thing x3
And... I think thats all for now
Good night <3 ya, gonna sleep at 2am today and earlier tomorrow, trying to learn how to get up earlier so I can get up to work xD

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06.08.2016, Saturday

Hai <3
Its been some time-
But yeahhh---
So, Pokemon Go actually came out, and its really fun to play. As a kid, Ive always had a dream to have a pokemon, and catching them, and looking at them... It feels like making my dream come true, it just makes me so happy... I actually started going outside just to go to Pokestops, even alone xD Im really happy beacuse of it
And, I got a bit more into drawing again. Actually Im trying to draw pokemons for my whole new generation, but its hard to find good ideas x3 But I still got few, so its good, I just need to draw. I will show everything later here~
And 7th gen of pokemons is coming soon \o/ They show more and more pokemons, new forms of old pokemons, new moves, that whole Z-Move, and "Diamonds, that will work like Mega Stones, but not exactly that same", so I really cant wait for it
I still sometimes have bad thoughts... but Im staying positive, Im trying to smile to everyone, I really am trying. But then here is my new friendo on ph, and I just... Im just about to cry... I have no idea how to make her happy... Im feeling really really stupid around her, I just cant think properly... I want her to be happy, I wish I could do it...

Ekhm, anyway-
Its actually 5:47am, so Im going to sleep xD
Good night <3

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03.09.2016, Saturday
Hello hello
School started o/ Around 36 people in my class, while 9 (counting me) are boys :'3
I was really stressed and stuff, I was even crying when I got home but
Now things are getting better, I start to remember more people, I might get friends soon- Maybe
The worst thing is waking up at 5:40am and finding classes where I have lessons xD but Im slowly remembering them
Yeah, Im still pretty nervous, or like, nervous af, plus the scary things and someone probably getting bored off me again but eh, I will be fine xD Not like they are one of most important people in my life pff... of course they are
Ekhm anyway-
Im going to write kind of update of the thing I did on the first page of this diary, I will probably do that tomorrow, adding few things, too
So... thats all xD Night, sweet dreams <3

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Hai hai~
It's been uh, kinda long since I posted anything here, I know. School stole most of my time, and when I had time, I was just too lazy x3
A lot of things have changed-
I'm almost 17, I got my own 3DS and Pokemon Moon, I've got cool friends at school (we all love memes I swear they are really awesome, we meme every day), I've got that game called Spore, and I made few pokemons there xD I'm also still trying to draw, I'm going to learn a bit about anatomy, color theory and shadows, that stuff x3 Annnd I'm sick since monday, but today I threw up three times, so no school till Friday, hopefully even longer xD
Oh, and I've got my S+ (6 in Poland) grade in English <3 It was actually easy af xD
About my depression... Well, we could say it's almost gone. I still have some habits, but I'm getting better, I got a lot better already.
Ah, right, and my new obsession, Marshmello <3 #MELLOGANG I totally love his music, and just his style- I love him okay
Anyway xD I'm going to just keep learning how to draw, how to make things in Spore, and just study in school x3 Teachers aren't that cool, but at least I can try to talk with them
So I think that's all for now? I won't be posting a lot I guess, I'm too lazy xD

Byeeee, best wishes from me and my adorable Jeni <3

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haha no anime

ohcrap
end of school is in this friday

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First month of summer just passed, ay
It was awful. Kinda cool, had lots of ice creams, started talking with few people, but.. I just can't, it really is too hard for me to be alone. There was always that someone who would listen, cheer me up, and just be here just for me, not anyone else.
No matter how much I try, I'm just left alone, and I just can't accept it, I don't want to. Everything felt so fine, so real, and just
Went away
Sigh
Wish me luck, me
Hopefully you will be here tomorrow

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I cried
A lot
Almost let almost everything out
I've changed since she's gone, and I really don't like it
She probably won't come back. Doesn't matter how much I miss her, how much I cry, how much I want to.. eh. She just won't. Guess she doesn't care anymore?.. I don't know, she never explained why she's leaving.. She said she will come back.. But eh. I'm sorry. Just sorry.

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Maybe my shop? I just need to put it somewhere :'3




Hello there o/
I'm Filip, and this is my.. place to make cupcakes. Yup.

FIRST, THE BORING IMPORTANT STUFF
Rules :'D

Show hidden content

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Just don't break them or I will get mad.
> If you break any of the rules, you will get a warning. Three warnings, and you won't be allowed to order anything here. <
> Don't rush me please, each cupcake needs some time, and it's NOT up to me how much <
> Please don't ask for too complicated things, the cupcake's size is 19 pixels by 21 pixels, I don't have a lot of free space :'3 <
> No, I will NOT make the cupcakes bigger. It's the original size, and they just will stay like that. <
> Please don't post unrelated things here, like asking to visit your shop, buy something else, etc. <
> Password is : Couldn't find it. (Yes, with the dot).
> I won't give you the cupcake until you pay, BUT pay after I have completed your cupcake, I will pm/pp you when done so. <

Now that we are done with it,
what do I mean by cupcakes? Literally cupcakes :'3
Here are few examples:

Show hidden content

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Belogs to Tobey
Belongs to ilovcows
Belongs to Sansica
Belongs to November

And few close ups:

Show hidden content

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Belongs to Tsuko
Belongs to osacrys
Belongs to Tobey

REMEMBER
It takes some time to make one, can take even an hour, or more, if the decoration needs it or you change your mind while I'm doing one.

You want one? That's great. I can make ALL the cupcakes.

How to order one?

Bake me a cupcake!
Base > -color- (Originally brown)
Topping > -color-
Dots > -color- (just leave it blank if you don't want any dots)
Decoration > -Here I need actual description of what you want, where, color of it, just as much information as possible I guess?
Private stream > Yes/No
Password > -password-

Private stream - I will pm/pp you, so we can find good time for the stream. I will set up the stream (join.me), so you can watch the progress. It makes my job a lot easier.
Also, just remove the "-", they aren't needed at all.

Now, my favorite part, aka, PAYMENT!
I don't want much to be honest. I'm trying to make it as good as i possibly can, but it's still just 390+ pixels. All I wanna do is make you happy that you got them. I hope that 15k isn't too much?

Okay, so
Cupcake - 15k
If you want me to edit your cupcake somehow, just palpad me, it won't cost anything.

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I don't want you to act smart. There's no need to keep repeating how much I should move on, how much I should forget. I don't need it.
I don't want you to say happy words. You don't have to lie that my life will get better anytime soon. I don't need to hear it.
I don't want you to be here if you are a fake friend. I don't need people who are here just to hurt me.
I just, want someone who will listen. Listen, and actually hear. Who will hear my whispers even tho I will be yelling.
Who will try to cheer me up even tho I'm happy.
Who will just be here to calm me down after I cry.

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Eh
I said I'd try to be happy for her
I want to be happy
But everything is so.. different since she's gone. Im not really myself I guess..
I want to believe that she's happy, and that everything will be okay. But I just.. I dont want to believe it I guess.. Its so difficult without her..
Im trying, I really am
Im trying to make others happy
Im trying to help as much as I can
Im trying to make myself happy
But just.. its not working, nothing's working.. I cant be happy, or I just dont want to be happy when she's not here..
I think about her every single day, I keep getting more and more sad as days go by, and nothing is getting better
I miss her
A lot

..plus few other things that make me sad and worried, but.. what's the point of mentioning it now
Good night

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It's weird how quickly everything can change
One day I'm feeling better, with two best friends
Next day one of them hates me, and I don't even know why, and just
Nothing makes sense, and there's no point in doing anything anymore
My body refuses to even get up
I refuse to try, and I refuse to eat
Just
Eh.
I let her ignore me, I let her do everything she wanted, I was waiting, all scared and depressed, but I was waiting..
now she's just gone, forever
I guess I'm not allowed to be happy
What's the point of living, if I'm constantly hurting everyone around me, and there's no happiness

---

Lost another close friend
"we don't talk much anymore, we should stop being friends"
I don't really know.
Not the first person that went away from me, not the last one
Lots of people left recently
I'm trying, I'm trying my best to be a good friend. to remember about everything, to do everything they want
I'm really loyal, I don't talk bad stuff about them, I accept everything they want
I'm always here, for all of them, ready to do anything
But they just leave.
What am I supposed to do then? I mean,
of course I'm not good enough,
I'm not funny, not very talkative..
But I'm trying my best for everyone
What's the point of life if most of them just leave

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I'm just, not feeling good
I don't know what to draw, it keeps stressing me out and making me upset
I feel like talking about my feelings, but I don't know what to say, and I don't think there's anyone to listen
I'm just sad
Maybe it's just because of the drawing, maybe I still can be fixed, but who knows. It might be too late.
My moods keep switching randomly all the time, it's really not fun. One moment I'm trying to be positive, few seconds later I want to give up on everything, another few seconds pass and I don't care about anything, and a lot more
I'm trying, but I don't know if I'm trying enough? Or if I'm strong enough?..
Eh, we will see I guess

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Its been some time
But again, im not feeling to well
there's barely anyone to listen, im mostly alone
I dont even talk with anyone, I dont feel like talking with anyone, or doing anything
hey I got a graphic tablet and im learning how to draw
theres a lot on my mind, I still want to hurt myself, I almost did it already
but there's barely anyone to listen
am I alone again?

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its been a while
again
but hey
world seems more colorful without my pills
all the things, voices, weird feelings
I kinda enjoy being scared of that, and I definitely enjoy not taking my pills
also I hatched 3 shinies in a row yesterday so thats cool

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ive been taking pills properly for some time already, but the weird feeling its still here, its been almost a year, almost a hecking year, even in my birthday, even during the summer, even during the wedding, even when school started, even when im with friends, it just won't stop, im so tired of it but its always here, every day, when I wake up, when I eat, when im at school, on the bus, when I go to sleep, its just not stopping, its driving me crazy, and no one knows how to help me
ive been lying again, wearing different masks, doing dumb stuff
I feel like I lost few friends because Im not talking to almost anyone, literally just few people, so thats why there are times when im just alone, because everyone gets busy, everyone needs sleep, everyone needs to take care of themselves and others, so I understand it and its kinda cool, but sometimes I just want to cry so badly, but I just dont know how to
I cut last time like, few months ago, it was more like scratches tho, and I dont do it anymore, the feeling of wanting it is pretty much gone, except for some nights when im alone
weird, sometimes I hate being alone but its what I want, I dont even try to change it, I know there are people who would try to help, but like, I just dont really know how to explain how I feel, I cant even explain it to myself, I dont really know how I feel, all I feel is this dumb feeling thats here since almost a year. im not saying I dont feel other feelings, I still feel happy or sad sometimes, but most of the time its just this weird feeling thats not letting me do anything, I can't even relax, its really bad
I failed two of three mock exams, I passed only english, I got 48/50 points, but my friend got 49 points and it just made me feel even worse, I thought im good at english, but apparently im bad even at it, but on the real exam I'll be more careful so I'll do my best again to get the 100%, and I hope he gets 100% too, he really deserves it
I got special math lessons with a private tutor, tomorrow is my third lesson with him, he's kinda scary but he's helping me so thats good, I start to understand more and more things
its 11:03pm and im trying to sleep but I just felt awful and needed to talk a little, now im feeling a bit better
I wonder if anyone ever reads this? probably not but eh, its cool, not like it really matters
anyway im gonna try to get some sleep, good night, remember to take pills in the morning!

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Hello : )
It's been 8 months since I wrote something here the last time
where do I start uhhhh
School. I passed my finals, I got kinda bad results, but I got accepted to both schools (I chose the first one), my results are:
Basic polish 33% (23/70)
Basic maths 50% (25/50)
Basic english 98% (49/50)
Advanced english 90% (45/50)
Advanced geo 15%
Advanced maths 12%
Speaking polish 73%
Speaking english 100%
Now it's summer (my third month of summer currently), I'm at work right now, I'm renting out sunbeds (plastic chairs/beds that you can lay on). It's kinda stressful, and it's kinda difficult to manage with the money, but I'm doing it I guess? I've made like 3-4 mistakes during these two months
I drew something a few days ago, a stressed killer whale, the tail turned out kinda weird but I think it's acceptable.
And yes, the weird feeling inside is still here, it's not letting go of me at all, and still no one knows how to help me
I don't really know what else to say honestly, I'm at work, stressed and bored, I really want to go home
So um, see you later, remember to drink water and to take your meds : )

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Hey
It's summer, so of course I'm stressed. The whole virus thing is crazy, and it seemed like our school wasn't ready for online lessons
I have a crush apparently, she's like, really amazing, if someone asked me what do I like the most about her, I'd have to say everything, she's just, amazing :') but it's stressing the heck out of me
One of my closest friends... she's gone. I didn't even know that I'm blaming myself for it, but apparently I am. It made my bad thoughts come back to me, and I just can't get rid of them sometimes, but hey, I'm hanging in there, it's not that bad
My personality? It seems to be VERY boring, since people mostly say "you're nice" and that's it. I'm not saying that I mind being nice, but I wish that they could see something cool about me, literally anything. But on the other hand, is there anything cool about me?
Life's weird, man.

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24.09.2020, Thursday, 1:28am

Hello :)
For some reason I've decided to read EVERYTHING from this diary, and it was a hell of a ride, I could feel some things I felt back then, and I kinda noticed some things that've changed?
My day today (well, yesterday?) was alright, woke up at 10am (5 hours of sleep lolol), did some basic morning stuff like shower and eating. Later it got meh, and well, here we are
Life's been very.. weird lately. Weird isn't the best word, but I wanna use it xd I'm not really sure how to explain it tho, like, my mental health has been weird, my moods have been weird, my school situation is weird, my relations with some people are kinda weird. Oh, yeah, I've been using Discord a lot more since a long time, and no regrets :D I met some cool people there!
Well, lemme try one thing. I'm Filip, I'm from Poland, and I'm 20 atm. I do have some problems, but I'm working on them, and I'm not doing it alone, as in, got some things diagnosed, and I'm willing to become a better person. I'm really trying to be as nice and calm as I can, but I feel like I overreact too much, I'm super sensitive sometimes, I still lie from time to time (which is really bad and I'm working on that as well), and uhh.. I think that's all? I want to see how many things will change in the future :D
We all mess up sometimes, all of us, and sometimes, it's not only fault of one side that you're fighting with someone. We all have different problems, not everyone can deal with them, and sometimes we just don't want to be around others, and that's fine. Just stay calm, explain everything in a nice way, and understand their point of view. Together, you can work things out :)
I've lost some close people, and I'm still gonna lose more. I really miss all of them, and I'm happy that I got to meet them, they're great people.
Anyway, I should try to sleep, but I won't, so goodnight :)

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