"It's fine especially since I've talked about him a bit, though I
wouldn't say talked is the right word, I haven't talked about him
for a while now to anyone not even my dad. When I told my dad about
our relationship, he was happy that I had someone that I loved and
would talk to other than him, and for once he looked like he was at
peace with himself which I hadn't seen him look like not since my
mother's death. Whenever I brought Alex to the house my dad always
teased us of how he would propose to me when we were older and how
we would give him grandchildren. My dad loved Alex and all the
different personality traits he would bring out of me, my father
truly believed that he was the one for me and I did too. It's been
about 3 years since his death and when he died wasn't a nice time
for me, it was like losing my mother but by that time I knew what
death was and how real the world was and the realization hit me
like a boulder to the head,
'He would never come
back.........................and it's your fault......' my
thoughts said to me after hearing the news. I talked with his
mother and she said that he was going to get some flowers for me to
surprise me that day and they were in an argument him defending my
magic and my right to go to school when the light went red and she
didn't see it so they were hit. The flowers he had gotten were
ruined after the accident and I wasn't ever the same after that. I
kept having nightmares of the crash and how he fought for my right,
I kept thinking
'It's all my fault! I should have NEVER fallen
in love with him CAUSE THEN HE WOULD HAVE NEVER DIED AND HE WOULD
STILL BE HERE WITH ME AND...and.....and then he could fall in love
even if it wasn't with me... I still think about even now , I
wonder what it would be like if he was still here and hadn't fallen
in love with me,
What would it be like? Would we eventually fall
in love? Would he have stolen someone else's heart? Who would he
end up with? What would he think of me now? Does he still care
about me even though he's gone? but the questions that keep
showing up in my head are
'If I could talk to him again what
would he tell me? What would he say to me? What would he do? Would
he care? If I died? If the roles were reversed what would he feel?
Would he carry the guilt I do? and
If he was alive would
we have ever had any future together?" I screamed not
caring if the entire world had heard me or not, had felt the guilt
I carry with me everyday, had acknowledged the pain I had been
though and even now I'm still holding on and won't move on from
him. Tears fell freely from my eyes as I said everything and let
everything that I held onto go for once.
"I don't need you to respect me, I respect me. I
don't need you to love me, I love me. But I want you to know you
could know me, if you change your mind..." -Steven
Universe.
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