Forum Thread

I honestly feel so, so drain and tired of all the yelling. Its been 8 days since I've been moved to my grandmother apartment ( After being kicked out of my decease great grandmother apartment by her son ) and already it's slowly starting to feel like my old, mother home ( Before I've decided to move out back in 2015, as I had about enough of that place. ).
I highly dislike angry yelling, whether it'd be directed towards me or someone else in the household. I've always feel the urge of covering my ears and just telling them to shut up already...
But who the hell would even listen to me anyways? Most of my family is ALREADY notorious on not wanting to listen on what I have to say and simply would brush me off, viewing me as someone lesser and nothing more than an idiot. This isn't even an overexaggeration. Considering the fact that:
1) For a very long time, they ( Aka, most people in the family that I've known and lived with ) would always brush me off, try to change the subject, ignore me, or simply tell me to "Shut up" whenever I have something to say. While this isn't an everyday occurrence, it does happen some of the time. Hence why I'm not too chatty around them.
2) Since I was a kid, most of my family ( More specifically: Mother, siblings, grandma, uncle, several "step fathers", and father [ When he was ACTUALLY here ] ) made it VERY well-known that I was stupid. An idiot. A buffoon. They call me stupid more times than the people online and school combine. Hell, it still hurts that my father compares me to his STEP daughter, praising how she is much more smarter than me because of her high grades ( Basically an equivelant to a 90+, while mine was close to average )... All because I said that I don't want to talk about school anymore ( At the rare times that I get to see him in the past, he always talks about school, school, school. Not "How are you", not noticing my art when I want to show him, not acknowledging the times when I ask for a listening ear when I was feeling down in the dumps... Just school )...
I give less of a damn if a stranger or someone I barely know calls me stupid. But if it's a family member, then I pretty much feel upset and hurt by it... Especially how often I get called this ( Still do. Just today I was yelled at, being called stupid )...

And before I get off topic... I just hate angry yelling.
There really isn't anywhere else I can go to not hear it ( Can't even go outside to the park, due to both cold weather and that grandma will spam call me, just to get uncle to scold me and tell me to come back home now ). And the ear plugs I got doesn't fully block out the sounds.
I wish they can stop. It's just so draining, so exhausting... I'm just at a loss at this point and just want to call it a day.

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I've been holding my tongue back for a while now. That being...
I don't like being called "strong" and "smart".
Why? Because I am neither of those things!
I'm not strong because I gave up trying to stand up to my family, I was never able to stand up to myself at the bullies back in my school ( Elementry, Middle, and High school ), I can barely handle so much from yelling before I start to cry, I'm a coward who can barely speak out on how she truly feels irl, I keep my mouth shut and hide in my room whenever a fight in my family breaks loss, I fake my smiles and happiness for so long to the point that I sometimes struggle to express proper emotions ( Due to the fear of upsetting and being hit by my mother, if I dare express a negative emotion. ), afraid of going to far or new places by myself ( Like recently, how I was very anxious to go to the doctors on my own. To the point that I had someone change the date... ), and I couldn't even protect the dogs from being abused from my step father ( I've tried to put my foot down once when he was hurting my Snowballs... He got on my face, yelled at me to shut up, and hit my brother dog with a broom stick... I've tried begging to mother to let him stop, but she won't listen )...

I'm not smart because I barely reach average on a majority of my grades, struggle to pronounce some words, sometimes either Google or ask what X word means, sometimes use the wrong word in a sentence, not knowing some things in the outside world ( I keep myself indoors and in my room most of the time ), or even not knowing much about the law ( Except for a small handful of common information )... Hell, I feel like my brain sometimes freezes when I try to think of a proper sentence or words.

I am far from being strong and smart... I consider myself an average and prefer to be referred that way.
Just because I'm more confrontal and standing my ground towards people on the internet, doesn't mean I can be this way irl...

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I'm not obviously to the fact that people are upset and / or disappointed at me that I have a lot of characters... I've known about this for a very, very long time.
I didn't even neglect the fact that a handful thinks that I'm "Letting the characters rot" or "Not even using them". Judging, not bothering to ask what I even do with them or what my ideas are...
...
...
...
Some are used in rps, some used in private mini stories ( I'm self-conscious on showing and felt that I need to be better in writing ), some I still hope to use in a ask blog ( Have one... It's on hiatus, as I regret starting out without finishing the collection, gathering sprites, piecing the story together, and plan things better ), and all I have ideas played around through pictures in my mind ( Aka, imagination. It brings both comfort and push away my bad thoughts... )...
A select few friends on Discord had actually asked and interested to hear my ideas... I've grown more comfortable discussing about it, since I was aware that people there actually wanted to learn more about my ocs. Even praise and loved what I have to say...

But here? I don't do that... No one asked, I don't know who is interested in hearing, and sometimes I grew wary on winning an adopt, due to knowing that someone is being judgmental, growing distasteful ( Possibly even distant ) towards me, and / or throwing their fingers and assuming that I do absolutely nothing with these characters...

...

I like collecting them...
I like playing around and expanding my ideas with these characters...
They make me happy...
It makes me smile and gleeful when peeps in the Discord chat loves hearing about my ideas....

I just wish more was understanding of this...

And no... If I happen to lose on a bid on an adopt, I don't overreact or act negatively over it.
Yes, while I will feel slightly disappointed on not winning the adopt or not getting to it in time, that feeling goes away very quickly. Why? Because, by the end of the day, there will be other adopts out there. That I can try again on something else. Not only that, but you also can't get everything in life. You win some, you lose some. Just gotta move on to aim for other things...

And yes, I know some of my characters have no names... It's rather tough to give a fitting name to a character that has already been used by a different oc of mine.

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... I don't mind being told on what I'm doing is wrong, if it is actually harmful or hurtful...
I don't remember if I've ever said it online, but... If I haven't, then I will say that I am trying to better myself as a person.
I want to know what I am doing wrong ( Actually wrong ) and try to fix that. But people may also need to understand that I will try to explain myself, just to give a better perspective and understanding.
However... This isn't me going "LOLOL, IF I MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I DID THAT THEN YOU ARE DEH WRONG!1!1!1". That's not it... It's moreso that I don't want things to be one-sided or bias. That explaining may help bring a better understanding. Hell, if it was still wrong and I was told why it was ( Not in a disrespectful manner please. Prefer to keep it civil ), then I am willing to accept the fact that I am in the wrong and apologize for it.

I've done wrongful stuff in the past. Some that is impossible to repair, a few that has been repaired, and others that I am trying to fix or felt stumped.
I will go as far to admit this: Irl, I was a very terrible friend to my bestie. Back when we were in high school, I would sometimes release my pent up anger ( Build up from the stress at home. Still no excuse to let it out in someone innocent ) at her. Even go as far as spitting and biting. Our friendship was put to an end at around... 2014?
When time went by and I was living at my great grandmother home, I was feeling more and more bad about my actions. I knew other websites my bestie was on, but I held back and bit my tongue. I didn't want to admit my wrongs. It took me until 2019 to finally go up and apologize to her on DeviantArt. Even asked if we could be friends again and repair our relations like old times ( I've also stated that, if she doesn't want to be friends, then I respect her decision ).
We're friends again.
And, even though she probably still doesn't want to, I am still willing to let her hit me for being such a terrible friend back then. We had a lot of good times ( ComicCon, SpringFest, Movies, rps, parks, goofing around, spending time in homes, ect, ect ) and I took that for granted.

I am far from perfect. BEYOND from that.
There is still a lot I need to fix. Both myself and relations with others ( Well... Those that I am still able to see ).

Just... Don't see me as someone who can make no mistakes. As stated from the previous rant, I am just an average person.

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This is all I can say for now... There was more I wish to say, but it honestly feels waaay too personal.

At least now I feel a bit better from typing this.
Please don't contact me about this. Would, well... Feel awkward, if I were to be honest.
I know some people, mostly friends, said that it is ok if I want to come to someone to rant to. But... Sometimes I feel bad bombarding someone with rants upon rants. It isn't healthy and don't want my friends to feel drained from it. Or even assume that I only come to them to rant.
Deepest apologies. I just don't want to always go to a friend to rant and I hope you would understand.
Erm, well... If you're reading.

Also not using emoticons in this, as I'm normally not in the greastest of moods when ranting. It simply doesn't feel like it would fit in her.

... That's it for now.